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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is your opinion on this guy and what would you do

12 replies

Candycrushat36 · 17/06/2025 16:36

I'm 8 months out of the worst relationship that ended with the police and therapy.

A couple of weeks ago my old school friend joined Facebook again.I havent spoken to him for 4 years because he left social media. We share the same birthday and we've always got on when we were teenagers. I sent him a message to ask how he was. He's only got a very small amount of FB friends mostly male and in Common with me.

He said he lives with his cousin now and he's really cut himself off from life. His last relationship has done a number on him. He's just starting to try push himself out there again. He has 2 sons. One with his ex wife and one with his brief relationship after her. He has a really good relationship with the ex wife. It turns out he takes the other child to hers and she treats her like her own. So he spends alot of time at hers with the kids.

He went away last week abroad and alone, we kept in contact all week and he shared all his experiences with me. We talked about how happy we both felt and agreed we'd book a date in when he gets back. He's shown so much care and respect for me. Asked lots of questions and been honest.

He flew back yesterday and went to visit his son if he made it back I'm time. He sent a couple of texts then at 2pm radio silence. He messaged at, midnight saying he'd just woke up from a huge sleep. I asked this morning if he'd seen his son. He confirmed he had. So he just didn't bother saying goodnight or telling me where he was. Then he replied at 11am this morning. He's asked how I am but there's only been 2 messages. I know he was seeing his kids again today.

I can't tell if he's distancing himself. I feel hurt if he doesn't want to share small parts of his day when he's with his kids or ex. I am starting to doubt myself and if I'm being silly. But there's an 80% drop in contact and effort and it goes against all he's said. What would you do?

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/06/2025 16:40

" So he just didn't bother saying goodnight or telling me where he was."

Why should he have? As far as I can tell, you're not in a relationship? You've not even had a date yet, at this point you're just two friends chatting, I don't think he owes you constant updates on his location or a goodnight every night, and to be honest I think I'd run a mile if someone was looking to get that close to me that quickly.

Olika · 17/06/2025 16:43

I think you should relax and stop overthinking it. If he wants to go on a date with you he will make it happen. Meanwhile you should continue doing your own things and stop obsessing about texting with him all the time.

AcquadiP · 17/06/2025 16:48

I'd mirror his behaviour and reduce contact with him. It's great that he has a good relationship with his kids but he does sound like he's running hot and cold with you which is a red flag. Personally, I couldn't be bothered to date someone like this but it's upto you.

Candycrushat36 · 17/06/2025 16:50

Good advice. No I don't expect it all the time. It just feels like he's massively dropped it and I feel like if he's loosing interest I'd rather stop now. I think it stems from my past. My ex left me on edge and confused all the time.

I think I'm more looking for red flags. Like is being this involved with an ex wife an issue or is it a positive.

OP posts:
Fastingandhungry · 17/06/2025 16:53

You’re being a bit intense! He flew back yea and kept you updated, messaged this morning and spent the day with his kids after being away and it’s only 16.30.

rainbowstardrops · 17/06/2025 16:56

You’ve only been back in contact for two weeks and you know he’s spending time with his children right now?
Foot off the pedal girl, or he’ll think you’re batshit!

Candycrushat36 · 17/06/2025 16:57

But he was so intense with me 18 hours of the day non stop contact.

It's just been a shock to drop to basically nothing.

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 17/06/2025 16:59

It’s way too early to be this needy OP, just be cool

LadyLucyWells · 17/06/2025 17:01

I think you are wondering if he is still involved in a sexual relationship with his ex. but my first thought was that he was concentrating on the children.

Fastingandhungry · 17/06/2025 17:01

That’ll be because he was on holiday, he has different priorities today, you really need to work on yourself and your confidence before entering a new relationship.

Arlanymor · 17/06/2025 17:05

I would hate it if someone was in touch with me constantly over the course of 18 hours - I have a job, hobbies, other stuff to do - housework, shopping. 18 hours might be a romantic one-off, but it's not sustainable longer term, so I think you need to adjust your expectations there.

Plus he's been on holiday and is now spending time with the children - he's not gone 24 hours without messaging you - he's busy, but he's not ignoring you.

Honestly dial it down, for your own good.

HelloCheekyCat · 17/06/2025 17:05

8 months isn't long to get over any relationship let alone one which was abusive.
probably best to have a longer break before dating again

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