Alcoholic sibling and dying parent

[Calliemom]

I'm really struggling to manage the situation I am currently in and looking for wisdom from wise Mumsnetters. My mother is terminally ill, she has cancer and is not expected to see Christmas. We have always had a close relationship, particularly since my dad died when I was a teenager. I am the oldest daughter and I took on a lot of the jobs around the house after dad was gone while my mum retrained in her career to support the family, she was amazing. I have two younger siblings. One is overseas and is very low contact with the family. The other is the problem. He is an alcoholic. He is what you would call a functioning alcohol, I guess, except that he isn't really functioning - his drinking has made him a thoroughly bad tempered and unpleasant person to be around. His marriage broke up some years back and his teenage kids want nothing to do with him. My issue is with my mother. He has behaved terribly to her, to my younger sister and to me over many decades, and to his own wife. Despite all of the harm he has done to our own family and to his, my mother has never acknowledged that he has a problem and in fact has enabled him in many ways, by always picking up the pieces for him and basically mollycoddling him. I think she felt in some way that it was her fault that our dad had died and he suffered such a bad loss early on. But we all suffered that same loss and didn't end up like him. I long ago gave up believing that he could or would change, so that apsect of it doesn't bother me. But when my mum was diagnosed with cancer, I found myself filled with anger at her - like she never addressed this issue that wrecked our family, and now it is too late. My mother is a good person, but I believe this was a terrible blind spot which has far-reaching consequences for all of us. But the last thing I want is to spend her last months feeling angry with her. Can you help me get some perspective please? I'm so sad but I'm also so filled with rage

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

You cant change the past, only the way you feel about it. You are probably angry that your mother is dying but you cant say that. Anger is a normal stage of grief.

A mothers love. Makes us all a bit blind sometimes.
Alcoholics are all selfish, self-pitying and soul sucking beings who inflict their weakness onto the rest of their families.
Forgive your mother and treasure these last months you have with her
🫂 💐 xx

@Calliemom Alanon Family Groups might help you change your perspective on your family and so help you find serenity in your relationship with your mother during her last months.
If you can find a meeting, in person or online I'd urge you to try it, it doesn't suit everyone but I found it really helpful.

Going to Alanon meetings suggests to me that whether the alcoholic in our family is a parent, sibling, spouse or child we can all be affected by what Alanon calls the 'family disease'. Our thinking can become distorted and we can become unreasonable without realising it.
I hope you have the chance to express your love to your mum, the way you want to, before she dies and feel her love for you whether or not she reaches an understanding of how her blind spot affected you and your siblings.
I wish you peace of mind and all the courage you need for this tough time 🌸

You are unlikely to change your mother now. Treasure the time you have with her. She didn't and couldn't control your father's early passing. Your brother s lifestyle choices are his own. The problem with addiction is it's hard to spot/easy to gloss over until it's a really big problem. You don't need to fix him, you can't fix your mother's response to him. No good will come out of making the next few months about alcoholism.

Once your mum has passed, you won't have any contact with your brother and you can work towards building a stronger relationship with your sister.

Your mum was an enabler, the families of alcoholics can be sick too and they can have imperfect coping skills. Instead of being angry with your mum, focus that energy of working on your coping skills. Get therapy.

(I know I need it I also have an alcoholic sibling and an rip alcoholic parent).