Brother - abusive but in horrible distress. Might die. How do I manage this?

[byebyemrpumpkinpie]

Not sure where to start with this. Will try to keep it reasonably short.

My brother's a very complicated person. He's not well (mentally, and - partly related to substances - physically). He has lots of positive qualities (although these are increasingly obliterated by what's going on with him), is/was one of the cleverest people I know, and has the capacity to be really kind. We were thick as thieves as small children, and I have a really fundamental, deep-down love for him. He's also been abusive to my parents for decades. Mostly horribly coercive and controlling (although there's also been some violence in the past, when he was younger). My old, increasingly frail parents spend their whole lives secretly dancing to his tune. Honestly, this would be hard to over-state.

He has addictions. His body is now not in a good way. He might well die in the next few years - possibly quite soon.

If he had been born a couple of decades later, he'd had got a high-functioning autism diagnosis, I'm almost certain.

I spent years - decades - so scared for him, so very very sad about what his life's become. Missing the "old him".

No one who knows him could see what he's like now without their heart breaking a bit. It's so, so sad.

But in recent years, I've been so LIVID about what he does to my parents (and also livid with their decades of enabling) that I've gradually had to reduce contact. I love him, but sometimes I also really hate him.

Him dying is now a real possibility (although it has been before - so MANY TIMES - and he's pulled through, and I've felt duped and exhausted). What do I do? Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice?

TIA

You protect yourself. You can't fix him.

But if he dies, will I ever be able to live with it that I've left him so lonely?

Thank you for your advice.

You haven't left him lonely, his own actions have done that. I agree with the other poster, you can't fix him. Only he can do that IF he wants to be fixed.

You haven’t left him lonely - he made the choices. So what do you do ? You stop beating yourself up for the decisions your brother made

@byebyemrpumpkinpie That's a very sad situation for you as you were close as kids. Does he live close to you?

I feel very sad for your parents too, going through this hell.

There's not much you can do but be there for your parents and your brother.

Thank you all - really appreciate you replying to this.

My instinct is to leap in when you say this, and tell you about how he's so ill and it isn't all his fault and he's a sad, bewildered victim.

But then this doesn't fit with the terrifying networks of control he's had over my parents for at least 25 years. Or maybe it does. It's so confusing.

You can still love him and grieve for him and protect yourself @byebyemrpumpkinpie your situation is absolutely heartbreaking but sadly so much more common than you realise.

I do think though that you have a responsibility to yourself to protect yourself from harm because it breaks you as a person.

You cannot protect yourself from heartbreak or grieve though they are the human condition.

He and my parents both live (close to each other) an hour from me.

He's made it increasingly hard for me to visit my parents over recent years. The spare room is "his" room (in case he needs to use it - despite living less than a mile away). When I visit, he isolates himself, gets suicidal, gets incredibly hurt and upset if he's not informed about what everyone is doing at all times. My parents will do pretty much anything to make sure he's catered for (because he's so ill, such a victim, etc), because they live in terror that he will kill himself, or die from an overdose. I still do visit, but his control pervades the house.

You need to grieve for the relationships you should have had rather than the ones
you actually got. The old him your brother was a mirage, an act designed to draw the unwary in. He’s long since lost to addiction.

You can only help your own self ultimately. Enabling only gives the enabler a false sense of control.

If you met my parents, you'd never guess. They're highly intelligent, empathic, caring, lovely people. Some of this, I suppose, feeds the system.

I need it to fit into a single story, but there's these two separate ones that I can't reconcile.

The first is that he's a tragic victim. He's ill, lonely, let down by the system, deeply unlucky, confused, kind but traumatised and emotionally vulnerable.

The second is that he's a highly intelligent, very manipulative, abusive and entirely self-focused individual hell-bent on controlling my parents to the point of damage to everyone.

They're both entirely true. The top one is too sad to bear. The bottom one makes me angry and terrified in equal measure.

Yes you will.
My dbro died of liver failure. There was nothing I could do to stop that.
You will make peace with it.

I'm so sorry @NewsdeskJC

Let him go. He doesn’t understand or feel relationships in the same way you do. He isn’t hurt by your neglect, he’s hurt by being thwarted.

He doesn’t hurt because you are hurting, which is more usual for our nearest and dearest. He hurts because things aren’t going his way. That’s what he thinks relationships are about.

Read about narcissism and Fog, not because he’s a narcissist but because it really helps understand some of these complicated people and relationships that don’t quite work as they should.

Awful as it is, sometimes I wish he would die - because his pain would end, and because my parents would get some respite. Except that my parents wouldn't get respite because they would be broken. He'd take them with him (emotionally), so they'd be gone too. And sometimes, I think he wants that.

Thank you.

There's definitely some truth to this. I think he does also empathise other people's suffering. But it's always trumped by his.

I feel like I could have written this post about my brother!

I have no advice, i've got very limited contact with mine now both my parents have passed! I'm not getting caught up in his circus!

Sending support & love 💐

Hi my ex was a diagnosed BPD with depression and addiction issues. He's broke the hearts of the 4 or 5 women who have had a relationship with him. He had minimal family links around him during our time. Messed up all his important relationships with his kids, brother and dad. I half understood his dad had let him down. His youngest daughter was 25 and trying to be in his life again. It was very immature, he'd constantly lean on her fir money and smoke weed with her. Her sister saw through him and couldn't have a relationship with him.

He's 52 now. Had no end of drama with drugs. Told his family I abuse him. He was vile to me in the end and I had done alot and I mean alot of "dancing to his tune" I gave up in the end. His future looks short and miserable. I also expect him to die young. You can't drown trying to save someone who keeps jumping back in. Your life is precious.

I understand completely. I have a v complex relationship with my sister and I am torn between love for her and wanting nothing to do with her.
I understand the guilt and the grief but one thing I have realised is that I cannot make her happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and everyone makes their own choices. It is OK to feel sad about the way his life has turned out but you have to let it go and realise you can't change it.
I hope you can find some sort of peace moving forwards.

I had a similar situation with my Father
I hadn't left him lonely, he had done that to himself
I didn't visit when he was dying or go to his funeral and I have no regrets at all.
He was a lot of fun when I was younger but that man no longer existed for the final 10 years or so of his life so while I can remember some good times he was gone well before he died (not due to dementia or similar, he was just a massive Twat)

It's sad that he has grown into this deeply unpleasant and abusive individual, but if your love could fix it, it would never have happened in the first place.

You loved the child. But you've ended up with the abusive adult and you can't get the child back.

Protect yourself at all costs and then support your parents if the worst happens.