9 year olds jealousy over 2 year old sister.

[singlemumoffour]

Hi,

Just need some advice, the last month and half my 9 year old boy has been acting up, he has been having tantrums, shouting abuse, going around and annoying everyone, back chatting, got an attitude and lashes out by throwing things and smashing things up and screams and shouts and is just pure angry.

He is horrible to his sister especially, calls her names, tries to whine up her, deliberately takes things of her. I think it’s a case of sibling jealousy, he always says she’s the golden child the now favourite. I’ve spoken to him about this and told him that’s not the case and how she just needs a little more keeping an eye on as she’s small like he did when he was her age but his behaviour is really taking its toll on me, I’m drained. I know I need to spend some one on one time with him but I don’t have any help or support from family or friends so I don’t know how to facilitate this? Can anyone give me some advice? I want to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Thank you in advance. 😊

Does the 2 year old go to nursery?

What time does dd go to bed and what time does ds go to bed?

I read the book Siblings Without Rivalry (I think it's called), it's quite old but has some good advice.

One bit I remember is when one child says you favour the other, it's best not to get bogged down in 'yes I do x for child 1 but I do y for child 2' etc etc.

What they are really asking is 'do you still love me? am I still special in your eyes'?

So the response to 'you love x more than me!' or similar is to say, honestly, I love you so so much, you're my favourite boy in the world, or whatever you'd normally say to express your love.

I find to my surprise it does work, the conversation usually ends there and we both feel better.

No not until September

Well that’s a hard one because I’ve got my daughter into a routine with bedtime and when she then goes to her dads it gets ruined. My son goes to bed at half 7-8pm

I have told him I love him, it’s so hard thing is my daughter does get a lot of attention just because I’m on my own with her and I have to have eyes up my ass as she’s into everything at the moment. I hate being on my own with the kids I wish I wasn’t never thought I’d be in this situation to be honest but I’m dealing with everything on my own. I’m so stressed and drained and feel useless.

Do they have the same dad? Why can’t you spend an hour or two with him while she’s with the dad and you can always drop him off a bit later?

Half seven is very early, spend quality time with him in the evening?

7.30/8 is a very early bedtime for a 9YO. Can’t he stay up a bit later after his sister goes to bed and then you can use that time for some 1:1 time like play a game she wouldn’t be able to do, or at the weekend watch a movie that she’d be too young for. What he’s most likely craving is 1:1 time with you and the evenings are the most obvious time to make that happen.

Plan to do something with your DS, something only for the 2 of you. You could do it when 2 year old is with her dad.

It could be reading together after the LO is in bed. Rollerblading, martial arts, painting, dungeons and dragons.

The activity doesn't matter the time together does.

Sometimes kids act this way as they dont know how to regulate their emotions, so take it out on the ones they love the most. Has anything happened in the past that he is not able to process? Bullying? Threats, or anything that he may have experienced that you know off?

Its not always jealousy, it can be outside factors he is unable to express properly.

Just a thought.

They go to their dads the same weekend. I’ve planned to do something with him this Friday as he has a non pupil day and my daughter goes tomorrow.

Do you think that’s early? Just if he doesn’t get enough sleep he’s really irritable the next day and is even worse.

Could you change it so they both get one on one time with you?

This could be the case actually. He hasn’t said anything but I’ll speak to him when he is home from school.

His bed time is about right. Maybe the little girl could go to bed by 7:00pm.
Would your son relish being incharge of helping your daughter with something that you normally help her with?

Doing her hair in the morning or reading her a story?

It could encourage feelings of nurture and also feelings of being trusted as being older.
They could develop a team of their own - without you - if they regularly do something nice together like playing a lego game or board game.

Yes I think it’s really early. Just thinking about after school activity timings for my 8YO- her school runs clubs for Y3/4 until 6.30pm every night except Fridays so that’s home at 6.45pm not having had dinner yet and they’re really popular. Brownies for 7-9YOs is 6-7.30pm. Guides is 10+ so only just older than your DS and that’s scheduled for after Brownies so doesn’t even start until 7.30pm. Her tennis lesson is for 8-10YOs and that’s 6-7pm. So I think consensus is that 8-10YOs are capable of being out doing stuff until 7.30 and aren’t usually in bed at that time. We do 8.30 in the week and 9 at weekends and her friends are all about the same. By contrast my 4YO in nursery usually goes to bed at 7.30pm and talking to other mums that seems pretty typical for that age.

Our eldest was a week shy of 9 when our youngest was born and the jealousy was strong. Thankfully, it was taken out on us, not baby.

No advice except keep doing what you’re doing and make time for one to one time with your eldest.

FWIW, they’re adults now and completely adore each other. It’s a beautiful relationship. Hang on in there.