New man feels "different"

[Sofasoft]

I'll try not to make this too long.

I've been widowed for several years, never expected to find (or want) another serious relationship, have developed a busy social life, lots of interests, and a love of going off and doing things alone.

A friend from one of the interests has gradually worked his way into my life, without me even noticing really. I knew we were good friends, but in the end we were spending so much time together that people assumed we were a couple and we thought, maybe we are 😂and decided to give things a go. At least that's how it happened for me, it's possible he was more focused on the objective I suppose.

Anyway, it means although we have only been "together" for a few months, we've been close for much longer. We missed that initial flirtation stage, and indeed all the anxiety around will he call/will we see each other again. He has always been very reliable at making plans and sticking to them calling when he says he will etc.

I'm loving life with him. We still have our seperate interests but we do spend a lot of time together. Maybe my marriage wasn't as good as I thought (and that's the only thing I have to compare it to) but he's so "good". If I tell him he's upset me, he'll take responsibility and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. He'll never tell me I've over reacted etc. He make plans for fun things to do together, he's keen to see me, includes me in things with his friends.

But, the butterflies aren't there. Is that because we're middle aged and things are different, because of the way our relationship developed, because he's so reliable, there are no nerves around dealing with him, or maybe because really we are just friends?

Fwiw I very much look forward to seeing him etc, but it's not the same excitement as early dating has been before...

Got to be honest, with that title, I wasn’t sure what I was about to read!

I think it’s ok not to have the butterflies etc - but are uninterested romantically, or have you pursued it because everyone suggested it? If you are attracted to him, it sounds like you have a solid base for a good relationship.

i hope it works out for you!

@Sofasoft - I am not sure how old you are. Or what you want in life.
Personally - I think the butterflies you are talking about are the fantasy and how teenagers experience (or expect?) relationships to be.

It seems that your one and only relationship prior to this one was "unreliable"? with "nerves around dealing with him"??? - you think that this is what love is supposed to be like?

It reminds me of young me - when my first love was so painful, full of drama, and insecurities. And as as result - for years I thought that love must have drama and pain. While - in reality - a relationship can have love and be secure and drama free.

The man you are describing seems like a great partner that most women look for and normally do not find. Just enjoy and don't overanalyse it.

And yes - it sounds like your marriage seems to have had a different pattern of a relationship. If you are surprised that a man can be nice, take responsibility, plan dates, and not be critical - it says a lot about the kind of man you were married to. Of course - guessing you married young and didn't really know what sort of man he'd turn into.

I think it's unrealistic to expect "early dating" as teenager to feel the same as "early dating" in your 40s-50s-60s.... (don't know how old you are).

I think in the long term relationships in the more mature phase of our lives - being friends is really important. Looks, and intimacy will eventually fade out, but shared interests, being friendly, and caring with each other - is what'll make it for a great relationship in the latter age. I'll take it over "butterflies" on any day.

I would do without the butterflies in order to have a relationship as healthy as that. I think the lack of butterflies is indicative of the fact you had a slow start and not indicative of the fact that you don't want to be with him.

Yes, me too. I thought it was going to be about a man with a strangely-shaped penis or something.

Every relationship is different and you have taken off your rose-tinted glasses of youth and are probably more practical. I'd stop comparing and start enjoying things, find the fun - it's active not passive!
He sounds keen so you can teach him what you like.

It sounds like you see him more of a friend than a partner. Do you find him attractive?

Personally I don't think age comes into it. If the nerves, excitement, passion and butterflies aren't there then it's friend zone.

I also found it strange that he's pushed his way into your life and what he wants. It sounds like there's been no flirting, dates or build up. Just him pushing into your life without making any effort for you.

Do you think 'fwarr' when you look at him? I'm in my late 40s, 'new' partner of nearly 6 years, and I always find myself looking at him thinking how lucky I am. He is as your partner is- reliable, kind, makes plans and he's fun to be with too. But I also want to rip his clothes off. It probably helps that we don't live together!

"I'm loving life with him."

This speaks volumes, enjoy it. Try not to compare it with your first marriage. It might not be that youthful spark. Equally if you are looking forward to seeing him then why the hell not? You sound excited

Wow my potty mind went elsewhere!
I'm middle aged and I still experience butterflies much to my disappointment (would prefer to stay celibate)

I think I'd be happy with a friendship like this. It sounds great.

However (for me) for it to be romantically zoned and therefore to have sex, with him, I'd need to have excited butterflies and feel sexy around him.

How do you cope with sex without fancying him, OP?

How is the sex?

I've been married 30 years .never had butterflies,we just were together doing stuff ,then moved in ,moved around, had kids got married.
Didn't even really think about it ..
Op ,it's sounds like it's working,and your happy ,don't ruin it looking for problems that don't exist

Yeah, the sex is important to me. I'm 55 and with a new partner after a 32 year marriage. My man is all the things you describe, but we also can't keep our hands off each other atm when we are alone. Again perhaps this is early stages (6 months) and we only get to be alone at the weekend.

This is what I was going to ask. If the sex is shite then he is just a friend surely?

Ive experienced butterflies once. He wasnt good for me. It was my nervous system warning me.

Do you look forward to seeing him? Do you find him attractive? Do you enjoy kissing and sex with him?

As long as you actually fancy him, I would pick the relationship you describe over “butterflies” any time. A fun, respectful relationship built on friendship and mutual interests will last and provide more happiness over the long term than one built on butterflies (which fade). I do think that books/ films/ culture have misled women over what is truly desirable in a partner and how that pans out over time.

I have never had butterflies leading to a mutually loving and healthy relationship. I was usually more invested, more interested. I thought butterflies was a mutual chemistry sign of attraction but in my own life sadly it's been a precursor to heartbreak. The men interested in me and who were an objectively sensible normal choice never gave me that turmoil and tug i would feel inside me, it was too peaceful and boring for my drama addicted personality.

I read an article recently which said that people sometimes confuse 'chemistry' with 'anxiety' i.e. being on edge waiting on him to call, longing to see him etc, and that a healthy relationship does not includs these (sometimes) extreme feelings, that it can be unbalancing.

Before DH my relationships were more dramatic, full of extreme highs and lows, either amazing or heartbreaking.

DH was like a calm sea after a storm. He never left me doubting him or us. Coming up to 20 years married and still (mostly!) plain sailing.

Provided you are attracted ro him, I reckon you should just enjoy what sounds like a really lovely relationship.

Yeah there's a theory that the attraction/butterflies/spark is just two people's trauma getting triggered!

I listened to an interview with a lady who had written a book called 'F£ck the Spark'. It seemed to make alot of sense.
It sounds like a nice relationship to me.

I've never felt butterflies with DP of 20 years, whereas I did with every previous girlfriend.

And it's because I've always felt secure with her. Butterflies for me were always about nerves, about being unsure of where I stand. With DP that never existed. From the moment we met we just clicked, I knew how much she liked, and then loved me, I never felt embarrassed or judged if I said or did the right thing. It just felt, right.

As far as I'm concerned, the lack of butterflies is a good thing. Is it maybe less exciting? Yes, but I'll take a generally loving, long lasting relationship over exciting any day.

Butterflies are fleeting at best. Rarely do people still get that feeling past the 2-year-mark. So whether you have them right now or not is ony a temporary situation. They would have faded eventually.

Do you know what I think you're confusing them with? Anxiety.
You don't have to be insecure. You don't have to second-guess yourself and wonder whether he likes you. You don't have to be your absolute best every time to make sure he'll still want to see you again. He's not manipulating you. He's not playing hard to get.
I think you've just discovered what it feels like to be loved as you are. To be good enough.