Married but haven't had sex in 13 years

[BigMusicFan]

Hello all

I would appreciate some advice. I'm not a mum and I'm not even a woman but I thought I might get some helpful comments from the people on this forum.

I am a M49 with a partner who is F49 and we share a DC12. What I'd like advice/views on is this: my partner and I have been together for 21 years. However we haven't had sex since our DC was conceived. We tried once, about 10 years ago I think, but it didn't really work, so to speak. Neither of us have tried to initiate anything since then. Neither have we properly talked about it openly and directly.

I would like to attempt to start a physical relationship with her again, but I feel intimidated by it.

How did we get into this mess? Well I bear a lot of the blame. Even before our DC was born I remember my partner saying that she felt that intimacy was always initiated by herself. I don't think I realised what a big issue that was at the time. Since our DC was born there have been a number of issues. In our son's early years I had some anger management and mental health issues and our relationship wasn't very good for a while.

We are in a much better place now but there have been other problems such as my wife having health issues with severe pain and problems at her work which mean she has been on anti depressants. In the last couple of years I've discovered that I had a condition which I think may have been affecting my libido for some time. Physical affection from me has, I acknowledge, been thin on the ground: I'm not naturally someone who's comfortable with lots of hugging, touching etc, though we still hold each other a bit in bed.

In the early years after our DC was born I think I thought that we would somehow magically start having sex again at some point, but I obviously put off addressing it so that it's now become much easier simply to ignore.

The other big thing is that, if I'm honest, I'm not sure whether I'm physically attracted to her at the moment, even though I love her and I think we still get on well - she has put on quite a bit of weight in the last few years, and doesn't make as much effort with her appearance - maybe again some of that is my fault.

I know, of course, that I need to talk to my partner about this, but it feels so daunting. She might throw it back in my face, e.g. say it's my fault. I suspect that as she's on anti depressants her libido might be low now anyway. I'm also scared because I think if we can't start having intimacy again now it might be over for our relationship - even though I love my partner I find it difficult to face another decade of no sex.

I'd be interested to hear people's perspectives on this. How do you think my partner feels about this? Do you think there is a way back from this? Has anyone been in a similar position?

It's difficult to know what your wife feels because you haven't had a conversation with her. There's a lot going on here. You have anger and mental health problems so you must have been difficult to live with.

You never initiated sex so it sounds like your wife felt rejected and stopped. You seem to have sorted out your libido and are dusting your wife off to see if you can put her to use. Though you no longer find her attractive.

Has it occurred to you to talk to your wife and try and rebuild your relationship? Find out how she feels and focus on building intimacy? Perhaps do a fitness hobby together and get her to lose weight so you can bear to shag her.

I'd say the place to start is to have an honest talk with her about this. Also, try to initiate "low level" intimacy regularly - holding hands while your watching tv, having a few cuddles etc and build on it from there.

Therapy for you both together would probably be a good start.
And starting small in terms of being affectionate . Hold her hand . Random hug.
Small gestures to show you are thinking off her.
My dh does random little things like if I'm reading a book will come in the room waffle something then kiss my forehead, and then go do whatever he is doing. But that little bit of attention makes me feel loved.

Actually use this opportunity to start again. As if you've just met. Sounds like you've both distanced yourself from one another so get to know each other again. Be thoughtful, suggest things you would enjoy together.
Show the initiative she always wanted from you. If she feels valued and loved maybe she will start to love herself a bit more again. If she has nice places to go and fun dates planned, maybe she will get excited to get dressed up again.
You're going to have to put in effort, show patience and understanding, and communicate. You don't even know if she's attracted to you anymore, so work hard on yourself to be a more attractive person.

Thanks for your honesty. You're right I need to talk to her about it.

We don't have kids but have been in a sexless relationship for a few years now. He's always had ED issues which I don't think he's ever seen a Doctor about. I did have some gynae issues early on in our relationship, so there was a period where I held back from sex as it was quite painful. The main barrier now is his ED problems, I did try to initiate sex fairly regularly at one point, but lost interest as it felt crappy to get rejected

Thank you. I should say we do still do a lot of things together. The other parts of our relationship are pretty good now I think. I have recently started trying to get back into the habit of the "low level" touches which I think she's missed over the years.

Yes, thank you, therapy is maybe an option. As I replied above I have started to try to do the "small things" in terms of touches etc but I'll continue to do that.

Thanks. It's true, it will take time and patience to re-establish our connection. I didn't mean my OP to sound as if my partner is the one who's the problem. I realise it's unlikely she is attracted to me currently herself.

Thank you. I'm sorry that you've had similar issues. Yeah to be honest I don't think I properly considered that my partner felt unwanted by me if she was doing all the initiating earlier in our relationship. I don't know what I was thinking at the time.