Advice needed re boyfriend

[Lunalara]

I am another longtime lurker who has recently signed up. I am in a bit of a messy situation and need some advice as to how to move forward.

My boyfriend and I have seemingly been in a great relationship.We get along very well and agree in all key areas. We have had quarrels here and there, but nothing overwhelmingly bad. He doesn’t want to discuss the future with me, but he is also a person to focus on one step at a time. We have been together for 4 years if that helps at all.

Recently, I accidentally found out from a mutual friend that he is unsure about the relationship. This has obviously made me very confused, as he hasn’t been open about any major difficulties about the relationship. Yet, she describes the situation as worse than a rough patch. My head is in a bit of a whirl, as he is not one to discuss the future (hasn’t ever been), but he hasn’t directly told me any issues. We get along on many levels, and if I am honest, I don’t know how to progress with this. It doesn’t help that I am now 27, and I am terrified about starting again.

If the situation is less bad than I am imagining it, I still want to be with him.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

He won't discuss the future after four years?????? Wtf????

You're his for now girl. Cut your losses.

So he won’t talk about the future with you, and he’s confiding in a female friend that you’re going through something “worse than a rough patch”, discussing relationship woes to her, of which you are completely unaware.

Yeah, he’s trying to get into her knickers.

You are only 27, plenty of time for a new relationship! Sounds like he doesn’t see you as the person he wants to start a family with or marry. Try to talk to him about what you want and see how he responds. If he is dismissive again then you should dump him. Take control. Don’t let him waste your time. Heartbreak is tough but you will bounce back.

No the friend is deeply in love with an American guy and wants to move there in December. This isn’t to do with that, although I can see how it may come across that way.

He is only 23 and he has been unemployed since graduating last year. He has a lot on his plate, and I assumed that was why he didn’t want to discuss the future.

I should add that he has talked about marriage and kids with me several times before. But he refuses to discuss a timeline. Idk if that’s a red flag or not.

So he's been unemployed for over 6 months, is he looking for a job. I hope he isn't living with you.

He is only 23! That is very young. He probably has no intention of settling down for years op.

Yeah I know. The thing is that I am happy who wait with him if he knows he wants this relationship. Until yesterday, I believed that he did.

Thanks to all the posters who have responded so far. It feels like a difficult situation overall, and I am going to have to have a tough conversation with him. It’s scary not knowing what to do if he stays ambiguous about the issues.

He has been looking yes. He has a 2.1 masters in Aerospace engineering from a red brick uni, and has some work experience. It has genuinely baffled me how he hasn’t found anything yet.

He's 23? That explains why he doesn't want to discuss the future. He doesn't even have a career yet, or know where he's going in life. 23 for a bloke is not the same as 23 for a woman in terms of maturity, and quite honestly, I think 23 would probably be too young for most women these days to be thinking about the future.
There is a reason why historically most women have been in relationships with men older than them. At 27 you quite reasonably have started thinking about your long term prospects, maybe you're feeling bit broody. That's not wrong, but you are at different stages of life.
You can't unhear what you've been told, so have a conversation with him and tell him your concerns. If he's not 100% sure that he wants to be with you, then move on now, no point in waiting another year or two and then find out that he doesn't want to be with you.

I agree with you 100% @DelphiniumBlue. What you say is logical.

I have a 23 year old son and there is no way he and most of his friends are ready for long term plans for the future like you are wanting with your boyfriend. He is way too young. He hasn’t even got his future sorted job/career wise.

I think the age difference between you at this stage is a lot really. And this is how it is showing.

Let him go. He's realised it's time to make a commitment and doesn't want to - and to be honest there are good reasons not to. Good luck.

I met my husband when he was 19 and we were both at uni. He always made it clear he wanted a future with me. I think we were engaged straight out of uni and before we’d started our jobs. We’ve been married over 20 years.

On the other hand I have a 23 year old som that I cannot imagine settling down.

My gut says that you’re his “for now” girl and he’ll be off like a shot when he gets his career off the ground I’m afraid.

I don't think you can make a decision until you've had a conversation with him. At the moment you've only heard something second hand. I agree with the other posters, that 23 is very young to be thinking of settling down, but all my cousins are married to the partners that they had at University. Stranger things have happened.

This.

Update: I have spoken to him directly about it. He said that he didn’t say those things specifically, but talked to her when he was frustrated about aspects of the relationship. I guess it makes sense why she would infer it that way, but bad moments don’t always define a relationship. That leaves me with more clarity about this situation, but it doesn’t help that I am in a semi-vulnerable position regarding the future.

Your boyfriend is only 23, not many men at that age are ready to commit to marriage and babies. He's not got his career sorted yet, and is trying to find work. It's entirely possible to find work within the Aerospace industry, he may need to move areas. It's not an industry that's in every town/city. I think that you're the person he's happy to be with now, but ultimately you are both at different stages of your life. I'm not sure he's going to be able to tell you what you want to hear, any time soon. Don't waste your life, waiting for someone to get on your path, it may not happen.

Age differences aren’t always a problem but there are stages in life when people are worlds apart. He has just left education and starting life as an independent adult, lots to learn, lots to explore. You have already done a lot of that and are ready to start thinking about settling down and commitments. He isn’t.

You could bide your time and wait for him to catch up but there are no guarantees that he will follow the path you might hope for. You need to have a no blame conversation about this. It might turn out that your relationship ends, but you will save yourselves a lot of pain if you work that out together now rather than holding on as resentment grows and it turns sour