To feel like it's going nowhere

[Everpurple]

Hi

Background, been with my bf nearly 3 years, both mid 30s
I raised very early in relationship that I would like to have children at some point and I wouldn't want children past a specific age due to additional risks to baby and my own health problems. This age is going to be in 2 years and then it is off the table for me
He said at the time, he would like them too, just not right then (I was certainly not suggesting having children the minute we got together but wanted to be clear I hoped for it in my future, especially if he was opposed to children himself, I would know before investing in the relationship)

We both own houses about 45 mins away from each other, both mortgaged.
Relationship is good, holidays together, almost every weekend together at one of our houses. He goes out fairly frequently in the week for hobby, no problem. I have friends I spend time with.
But at 3 years into the relationship I would hope talk would lead to future plans (beyond booking holidays, days out etc)

About 18 months in I asked if he thought we'd ever move in together. Again not expecting anything immediately but I feel like discussing future plans together should be normal in most relationships. He went very quiet and then said it's not something simple to ask about because he's got a mortgage and stuff ... I felt quite down hearted at this point. I didn't push any further because he didn't seem to want to talk about it, in reality us having mortgages doesn't super complicate anything, yes selling houses is a pain in the arse, but it is something you can work through

I hoped maybe at some point he may bring up thoughts and feelings about our future when he felt ready. But nothing has been discussed since. This weekend he was talking about things he wants to sort on his house in a couple years and how he thinks mortgage rates shouldn't be too high in a couple years when his fixed rate comes to an end
So he's obviously thinking about plans in a couple years but they don't seem to include us combining in anyway, he seems to be planning on still living separately.

I feel pretty deflated and don't really feel like a serious couple anymore., it feels like we're just living separate lives and I don't think I want that forever.

I agree with you. He's not seeing you as a long-term live-in partner or wife. This isn't what you want, OP, and he has wasted your time. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum - they never work. I'd just say it's not for you, that you want a serious relationship and a family, so good luck and goodbye. Leave it at that. He may reconsider things - if he does come back then he has to put his money where his mouth is - houses up for sale, wedding planned, etc. You do sound strong - hold tight now as you may well be in for a bumpy ride, but better to act now than when it's too late.

He’s being quite open about what he wants. You just aren’t hearing it, because it’s not what you want to hear.

He wants his own bachelor pad, to date and do the fun stuff and have a shag. He doesn’t want his life to change, he doesn’t want to live with you and he doesn’t want kids.

It sounds harsh, but I wasted my mid 30s on a man like this and finally realised at 38 that I could work hard at keeping the relationship going, but it was never going to be what I wanted.

I have now reconciled myself to the fact that my vision of the family I wanted may well not happen because I wasted my 30s on someone who was constantly showing me in deeds that he didn’t want kids and wanted to carry on playing with his mates. Don’t do the same

Your fertility will decline quite quickly 35 onwards. He is wasting your time if having children is important to you. Unfortunately he sounds like he is comfortable the way things are and has no plans to marry you and start a family. Sorry.

He's not dating other people

I think whether or not this relationship continues I've resigned myself to knowing it's too late really for me to have kids, he doesn't seem to be moving in that direction with me and even if the relationship ended tomorrow, I'm not gonna meet someone and be settled enough in a years time and be ready to have children with them. So the ship has kinda sailed now.

It’s not impossible @Everpurple . My sister met her DH age 37, married 6 months later, a dozen people in a registry office and has two children, the second was conceived just before her 40th birthday. You need to decide if you want to continue with this relationship or end it and see what happens.

To be honest I don't think I'd be comfortable having a child with a man that soon after meeting them. I wouldn't trust someone in that period of time. Marriage really doesn't matter to me either. Financially I'm able to support myself fine. Before any one suggests having a child on my own, I'm not financially comfortable enough to support a child on my own and wouldn't want to raise one on my own either

The whole thing is just a bit depressing like I seem to be able to turn any man off commitment, I had a previous relationship that lasted 9 years, he didn't want to commit properly. I had a few short relationships which I put an end to because they weren't going anywhere or the men turned out to be wrong for me.
I had pretty high hopes for this one, but it's obviously not going to progress
I don't know how women find men that want to build a life with them, it feels like it's something I'm doing wrong, I just can't work out what it is

Pay attention to his actions as well as his words. They’re actually aligned here unlike many posts on MN. He doesn’t want the future you do. You won’t change his mind but waiting for him suddenly have a lightbulb moment and see your worth/want to move in together will only waste years of your life.
You’ve been here before, and so have I, so the lesson I had to learn was to move on and let them live their single life and find someone who wanted the same life that I do.
I’d suggest you do this quickly as you do have time to have kids, but not if you waste 9 years on this one too.

I meant date you! Not other people. But there is a difference between just doing the fun stuff and wanting to commit to a proper partnership. He wants the fun, but not the rest. 💐

Oh sorry, I misunderstood that bit

The weird thing is when we started dating he was pretty clear he wanted to settle down with someone. The last relationship he was in there was too much distance between them and he didn't want to be a weekend boyfriend.
We spend time with each others family and do stuff together. It's probably some people's ideal relationship, all the relationship stuff but your own house.