Heartbroken about old relationship?

[SunniestOfSundays]

I’m suddenly out of the blue struggling with a relationship that ended 9 years ago, we were only together for a year and a half but I’ve recently started to feel absolutely heartbroken about it ending.

It really feels like we broke up yesterday and I’m in the stages of not being able to think about anything else/wanting to contact them/not sleeping. I’ve even cried twice in the last 2 days about this. I really don’t know why this is happening now.

All I want to do is reach out to this person - but I don’t have their number and can’t find any Facebook/Instagram account to do so. I’ve only found their company.

I have such a strong urge to want to speak to them, and I can’t understand why.

I’ve no clue what to do but I literally feel so broken. I went back specifically to look for old screenshots I sent a friend at the time of breakup and reading them back now I can see that we didn’t get back together because of me - I refused to let him see how hurt I was, and instead I acted cold and now I wish I hadn’t so we could’ve tried to reconcile.

He’s a tradesman and I can’t get the (stupid!!!) idea out of my head about contacting him to ask for some work on my house. I know it is utterly ridiculous but that is the only way I have of contacting him.

He tried to add me as a friend on Facebook about 5 years ago - with a picture of himself and a lady - so he obviously has a relationship/family. I so wish now that I had accepted the request and messaged him then, but I didn’t, I declined and he deleted his page a few years later.

They aren’t my most recent ex - and I’ve never had these feelings about another ex partner - so I’m so confused about why it’s happening, and why now?

Has anyone else been through this please? How did you deal with it? I honestly feel so broken.

Sorry to hear things are hard for you at the moment. I guess we've been in that 'one' relationship that has been difficult to get over.

Can I ask has something prompted you to feel this way? For instance, have you bumped into your ex and it has caused the repressed feelings to flood back?

I do know that even after decades an unexpected encounter can bring everything to the fore again. And yes it can work again if both sides want that again.

I guess you have to ask yourself why did the relationship finish previously...Was it you or was it him that ended it? Did you have proper closure at the time?

Only it sounds to me as though hurt may have been there at the end and for many years you've suppressed these emotions and that's what probably caused you not to allow him back into your life previously...Do you really want to go down the hurt avenue again by contacting him? What do you hope to get out of this? How would feel if he's in a relationship? Would you be strong enough to take the answers to your questions?

It may well work if you contact him. Just make sure that you are in the right mindset if you do to deal with the answers. Only I feel it will stir up alot of strong emotions that would be difficult to deal with. Good luck!

Yip this happened to me. I worked out that I had kept myself so busy for many years that it was only when I stopped being busy that I started processing the feelings. Like you it was years and years later.

In fact it has happened with several exes where I was plunged into a really busy period straight after (either just by coincidence or on purpose).

So I agree it's probably the feelings you haven't dealt with and are now processing the break-up. Regrets are very hard to deal with especially when you feel like you messed up a good opportunity.

I've done it several times and it's hard to live with.

I think you just have to go through it like a break-up for however long it takes. I journal and it really helps. Like writing a letter to them or to yourself talking about it.

So 'Hi James, Well I bet you would fall about laughing to realise that nine years after we broke up (yes NINE years) where did the time go I seem to be heartbroken. I mean what is that all about. I think it might be nostalgia and regret. Yip it was me that caused the breakup wasn't it. I was too quick to make a decision because I was scared of getting hurt.......'

I have 3 of these running which I pick up from time to time. One to a dead relative that I still like to 'talk' to and two to exes that I clearly still had unresolved feelings about.

You are not alone!

Fuck it, life is short. Call him.

@JustTellItAsItIs Thank you so much for your reply.

No, I’ve never seen him. We met up once post breakup to hand back belongings, and from that moment on we’ve never seen each other. Which is why these random, intense, feelings have really knocked me for six.

After the meet up he contacted me 5 days later to ask what I had wanted out of the meet up. He’d said that he wasn’t sure if he’d made the right decision breaking up or if he had said the right things when we’d met up.
Instead of being vulnerable and letting him know I was hurting, and I wanted to work on things, I refused to let him knew that I cared. I was young 20s and having been hurt before I just put my walls straight up, which I now really regret.

I honestly don’t know what I want out of it - I guess maybe to get rid of the “what if” feeling I have? I think I’d be pretty crushed if he was In a relationship, or didn’t reply if I message, but I guess that would tell me all I needed to know.

I mean, he reached out a couple of years after we broke up to ask if I’d been driving in a village near him - he wasn’t worried about me being in a relationship or looking silly. But I just feel a bit ridiculous reaching out - via his business!!! (Which he didn’t have when we were together) - after all this time. I don’t even know what I’d say at this point :(

@StillLosingWeight
Thank you for making me feel less alone.

I was definitely busy right after the breakup - I threw myself into a new job at a new company and was so busy making friends. I then had 2 more long term relationships.

I do feel like I missed a good opportunity - reading those messages back now as a much more mature person I can see where I went wrong in not being vulnerable and letting him know I still wanted to try. Instead I went full ice queen and just refused to let him know I was truly bothered by it all and completely shut him out. I wish I hadn’t now.

Have you ever actually reached out to one of the exs?

@BroccoliPark
I do think I’d message him if I’d still got his number/social media.. is it not completely nuts to message his business?
He didn't have this when we were together so there’s no way I’d have known about it.

You have nothing to lose by messaging him. Good luck OP

I think we all have that 'one that got away' and are left with the what ifs. It does sound as if you have regrets and are maybe seeking some closure.
I did reach out to my 'one that go away' some years ago as I just couldn't shake the feeling that he was 'the one' and I blew it - like you, I was young, had been hurt and put the barriers up - thus blocking any hope of working things out.
I did send him a message via FB and said something along the lines of "Hi - please feel free to ignore me, but I really felt like I owed you an apology. You were such an important part of my life, a happy part of my life, and I felt that I had treated you badly. I am so sorry if I did - you were a decent human being and I may not have been at the time. Sorry. I hope life has been kind to you, that you are happy and healthy".

He replied, he is unhappily married but loyal to his marriage so there is no chance of reconciliation but we chat via messenger every now and then, catch up - yes it feels a little painful still but I think it was the closure that I needed for myself.

Send him a message - what's the worst that can happen? He chooses to ignore it. Maybe just the act of writing it down and knowing that he knows will help soothe this turmoil?

I would contact him and see how it unfolds. He is probably married etc.
But some contact with him might put your mind to rest. Don’t see any harm really, book him for some minor building work that needs doing anyway

Thank you @FlamingoFloss

The general consensus seems to be to just message him.

I guess I’m just scared of it just not going how I hope.

@Sunflowers67

So sorry you’ve been through this too. It really does feel like he is the one who got away - just awful that I’ve now only suddenly realised.

Such a shame your person won’t free themselves from an unhappy marriage.

I think I will reach out, I just can’t decide whether to make it just a “how are you doing?” Type message, or like you, to just dive straight into the feelings surrounding our relationship/breakup.

I guess if I do the first option, he may not reply and then I’ve still never said how I felt. Or I could dive straight in and he could be in a relationship and it not really be the right thing to do. I’m awful at discussing my feelings (hence the shut down after the breakup!) so this feels scary.

So unsure on how to proceed :(

I wouldn't do the whole feelings about the end of the relationship thing, that's way to much for an 'out of the blue' message. Just say Hello and that you'd been thinking about him and wondered how he was doing. Keep it simple and see how he responds. !

@Seaoftroubles i do agree with that, that’s my thinking too!

Agreed here too! Not the whole feelings stuff - but send something and see how the land lies from there.....

I don’t think you should contact him. He might be with someone else & not reply out of respect to them, and it would make fragile feelings worse. plus, what would it achieve? It ended for a reason.

Instead, work on the breakup pain. What did you do to keep busy before? What are the qualities In them that
are giving you the urge to contact them? Can you find those qualities in others - e.g. old friends - and contact them instead?

@FlourishNotPerish
Thank you for your reply.

i do agree that him ignoring would hurt, but that would also tell me all I need to know in that he either has a partner or that he has no interest in speaking. Although not nice, I do think that is a solid answer rather than the “what if” I’m feeling now. I am fully expecting them to be in a relationship but I feel like the certainty will help me to move forward.

I honestly can’t tell you why this is happening right now, what’s caused this is really beyond me. A more recent partner wore the same aftershave as him and it triggered nothing, I quite happily blast the breakup songs I listened to.. it’s really come out of nowhere.

How old are you? If you’re over 30 and you haven’t seen him in 9 years, be prepared for him to have completely changed. The ex that broke my heart almost 8 years ago now was really fun and lived a cool, ‘party’ lifestyle - drink, drugs, 3 day benders etc. Unfortunately all of that has caught up with him now and he looks like shit in his mid-30s.

@Crushed23 Uh ohhhh!

I’m 32, and he would be 33. I’ve no clue what he looks like now, he has no social media etc, so it’s not even that my new obsession is based on knowing what I’m pining over.. which just makes it even more mad.

He never was typically attractive, I think his personality massively boosted how I felt about him, and I think that’s why i’m just wanting to chat to him.

I don’t think he would’ve led a “fun” life, he was always fairly sensible..

One of my exes is married now. I know this because I ran into him a few years after (also pics of him and new wife were on the internet. I think she was marking her territory as he took her to a hobby group that him and I had went to). Where i think I am still processing that breakup and for sure I did stuff wrong (which I need to fix before I ever get in another relationship if I ever do). However my mind must still be processing it in the background because even today I started to think about things he had done wrong and so I never would have been able to trust him even if I had been perfect.

The other ex and the one that is bothering me the most at the moment I haven't seen for 8 years. We lived quite close together and I saw him looking really stressed out and smoking at a cafe. I did a double take because as far as I knew he didn't smoke. So that was either a new habit or an old habit he had fallen back to. Then more recently I saw pics of him on the internet at a hobby group I used to go to (which he knew). I don't have any plans to go back I was just having a nostalgic look to see who still went to the group and there to my shock was said ex. He was looking alot better ie healthy etc. With this one I have worked out that he was quite like my dad in personality (didn't look anything like him). My dad was emotionally unavailable, uninterested in me, gave me no attention and I'm pretty sure didn't love me (well I know this as he told me). Along comes said ex and after a great start (flowers, passion etc) he started behaving very like my dad and I think my attachment wounds were triggered. Currently waiting to start therapy as I've been diagnosed by NHS as having complex trauma (my mum had Borderline Personality so you can imagine what a fun childhood that was!). Anyway I'm watching/reading all about attachment theory at the moment and this might not apply to you of course but a channel on you tube (I know!) called 'The two mind method' does these great videos on trauma and relationships and how we self sabotage. He did one called 'Soulmates or attachment wounds' and that's where I clicked about this ex and my dad. I'm hoping if I go to therapy and get 'fixed' then any unresolved feelings will finally go.

Either way it's been so long that I can't imagine how I could go back plus if my theory is right it was unhealthy relationship. Also we went out a few times and on the last try he seemed to be carrying resentment for things I had done so whilst not easy to find someone new I think that might be a healthier path.

Anyway i don't know what you own childhood was like and if this channel on you tube would help you at all. It has all kinds of good stuff like why we sabotage relationships and the dance that anxious and avoidants do as they often get together.

Let us know how it goes if you do reach out. I wish you much luck.

@StillLosingWeight

so sorry to hear about your childhood, sounds like it was pretty difficult for you! I cannot believe your own dad would say that to you, how awful. I really hope you’re healing.

Thank you for the recommendation of the YouTube channel - I’ll definitely give it a look into.
Thankfully my childhood was lovely but it would still be worth watching I think.

I’ve typed something lame out to send - but I just can’t do it for whatever reason. Whether it’s embarrassment because he will have known I went to the length of googling him to get a contact number, whether it’s worry he’s in a relationship, or in case he ignores and we actually bump into one another after 9 years.

I actually feel sick. You know the horrible anxious feeling you get in your stomach? The one where you feel so hungry but can barely eat? That’s me right now.

Well OP if you don't get a reply or you don't get a positive reply then at least you were brave enough to try.

There's many times in my life I was too scared to try things or too scared to sit in the uncertainty to see how things would unfold.

So you 'get points' for being brave enough to put yourself out there and face rejection. Then at least you will have your answer even if your ego takes a bashing.

Good luck. Keep us posted. And yes I know that sick feeling very well.

Maybe just sit with it for a few days and then see how you feel. It may have been cathartic enough to have just written it without sending?

Exactly this ..

Just say ‘I heard a song and you came into my mind, how are you??’

Go for it.