Want to leave but stuck

[Timetogo54321]

I have reached the conclusion that my marriage needs to end. Together 15 years, married 6, 2 young children (4 and 8 months), 2 elderly dogs. We own our house with a sizeable mortgage left. Our relationship has always been a bit up and down but in the last 12 months I have come to accept I deserve a lot more than this. In hindsight I probably should have walked away a long time ago but what’s done is done now.

The problem is, I’m stuck on a practical level. H will not want the dogs, nor could he manage them with his work hours and I wouldn’t want him to have them due to his behaviour. They are too old to rehome and I couldn’t bear to do this anyway, they are really ‘my’ dogs although we got them during the course of our relationship. One has behaviour issues which we manage well but would be difficult for any regular dog owner to cope with anyway (we have had lots of training to manage her). Although elderly neither are on deaths doors and I will not have them PTS prematurely.

However, I can’t afford a property that would meet the needs of my children and accommodate the dogs unless I move a substantial distance away (we are in a high cost area). I don’t think I could cope with having to rebuild my life again when I and my children are so settled here (including eldest at school). I am going to need all the support I can muster to get through this anyway, the idea of doing it in a new area where I don’t know anyone terrifies me.

We have a reasonable equity in the house which would be split, I work full time and earn reasonably well. I don’t have much by way of savings. We have big childcare costs (nursery for 1 and wrap around care for the other). I pay heavily into a pension, H does not. I wouldn’t be eligible for universal credit but do get child benefit and funded childcare hours + tax free childcare.

I am clueless on the practicalities of divorce but am going to start looking at this now. But I’d appreciate ideas/opinions on my situation. I need to leave for myself and my children, I just can’t work out when and how. There isn’t a desperate rush, we aren’t in danger. I just don’t want to be with him anymore and don’t think the environment we create together is healthy for our children to grow up in long term. I’d like the separation to be as amicable as possible and hope we could have a no fault divorce and sort finances without too much fall out, once I work out what to do. Or perhaps I’m being naive on this account, I don’t know. Please be kind, I’m feeling fragile, but appreciate honest views.

You haven't said why your marriage has to end, just that you're not in danger and the environment isn't healthy. Is he emotionally abusive?

You've painted yourself into a corner which is typical and the best way of untangling the knot is to start researching divorce. Wikivorce and the CABx website are good resources. Gather all financial information and see a solicitor.

You can't make changes and expect everything to remain the same so start being brave and taking risks.

Thank you. I do understand there will have to be change, it just feels really scary. This life is all I’ve known for a long time, and I have our children to cope with as well. I just can’t work out how to go about it but agree with you researching it is probably the best start.

Reasons to leave - too much arguing which can on rare occasions lead to aggressive outbursts from him. He doesn’t hit me but does grab/shove/pin me down during arguments on occasion, not in front of the children. The arguing/bickering is just constant and I don’t want to raise children in an environment like this. Practically he does children’s drop offs in the morning, cleans the bathrooms (poorly) once a week and mows the lawn. I do everything else both in terms of household chores, managing finances, bills etc, organisation of everything in our lives. We both work full time. We do have some good times but it feels like those are becoming fewer and fewer, and there is so much resentment on my part for how much of the daily load by he leaves to me. We’ve talked about it a thousand times but he won’t change in a practical sense and turns every conversation/argument round to make everything my fault. I think we’ve just grown apart and become less and less compatible over the years to be honest, and have never nailed cohabiting in terms of equal balance of load which was manageable when we didn’t have children but not now we do. I recognise I could have done/do things differently, but I don’t think everything is my fault. He doesn’t see this and every attempt to improve things results in me being told I need to change. I just think I’m at the end of my tether with it. I work hard and do my best, and want to be happy.

Have you tried couples counselling?

I’m quite pragmatic and I think taking risks is a very different thing when you have two young children

can you think of it in terms of a longer time frame - eg two years - and start sorting things practically now?

and in the meantime counselling clear rules on behaviour etc

He doesn’t hit me but does grab/shove/pin me down during arguments on occasion, not in front of the children.

This means you are in danger and he's abusive. It's highly unlikely that he's physical during arguments and not abusive the rest of the time. It's very telling that he's not aggressive in front of the children as it shows that he can easily control himself.

Dumping everything on you when you also work is in my opinion abusive. It's so misogynist and disrespectful.

I would get in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation which can give advice on leaving safely. It may seem minor to you, but he could escalate especially if he knows you're leaving.

Grabbing you, shoving you and pinning you down is not okay. I don’t see how couple’s counselling can help with that. I can see why you feel you have to separate. I would get legal advice as soon as you can. Once you know where you are likely to stand financially you can plan. It’ll be a lot easier moving now than when the children are older. The fact you wrote that you’re not in any immediate danger makes me feel like you think you could be.

You have an 8 month old baby, is it possible that the additional workload has pushed you over the edge? Especially as you are working full time. Could you sit down with him and get him to do more on a practical basis to help? I'm thinking that being on your own with 2 young children isn't going to make you any happier in the short term at least.

What you have described is abuse, and you need to get away. Behaviour like that escalates over time. You put up with more and more, the children will eventually see it and it becomes your normal.

How will you manage kids, dogs and FT work on a practical level?
I ask because my dog and work are one of the things keeping me in my marriage, I’m not sure I could do it and have my elderly dog alone all day with someone popping in for 30 minutes, plus I’d have to find someone and have to rely on them. It’s difficult,

Thanks all. I am aware his behaviour is abusive but it is very infrequent and I think highly unlikely to escalate imminently. It’s one of many reasons I think I need to leave though.

In terms of trying to get the practical stuff rebalanced, I’ve honestly tried countless times over the years and we’ve tried all the strategies, list etc. He just doesn’t do it. It really is a futile conversation/discussion.

@SantasLargerHelperexactly, and this is what I don’t want for my children (or myself)

In terms of the dogs - I WFH 2 long days a week and we already have a dog walker the other days but my days are shorted so they aren’t on their own for prolonged periods. I’d have to keep the dog walker but if moved area would have to find a new one. I think it would be manageable, albeit not ideal.

I agree with PPs start by researching and seeking practical advice so you understand the process. If you have enough equity can you find a small home locally that would fit your budget, or consider renting until all is settled if you feel you need to get away quickly.
Your husband is abusive and from what you describe selectively so which means he knows what he's doing! Joint counseling is not advisable where there is abuse but do seek legal advice and contact Women's Aid and/or CAB. You know what you need to do so just start with the first step. Good luck OP, you can do it!