Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

am I being really naieve?

13 replies

MyHeadIsSpinning · 23/05/2008 09:27

I've been posting for a while about the probs my DH and I have been having since the birth of our dd.

Last weekend I finally found out that he has been seeing someone from work. Started off as flirty emails just after the taumatic birth of our daughter - he says as an escape from the situation - but eventually progressed to what I consider an emotional affair where they were confiding in each other via email then meeting up. He insists it was just a drink after work on 2 occassions and that he called at hers on 3 occassions ( because she was lonely) and told me that they put a stop to it a few weeks back because they thought they were heading towards a physical relationship.

He has told her by email that there is to be no more contact and i have seen this email and her reply, she says that she is happy to put an end to it and agrees they can no longer be friends.

I have told a couple of RL friends and they are spilt between believing him and thinking he is lying to me.

I really want to believe him but not sure what to believe and don't want to be a fool. The fact that she didn't know I was going to see the email and said can't be friends (rather than saying can't continue having sex/seeing each other) makes me think he is telling the truth but he has lied so much I am just so confused.

Anyone got any advice? been through something similar? Should I believe him?

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 23/05/2008 09:43

Did he put a stop to it before he realised you knew/suspected something was going on? If so, I'd be tempted to believe that he has woken up to what he was doing and made a conscious decision to stop before it goes too far. And did he come clean voluntarily, or did you find out about it and this was his defence? It sounds like he is trying to put this lapse behind him, be honest with you, and start moving on together to sort out the issues.

He should understand that you'll be having doubts about him for a while - I think you can really only judge him on his behaviour from now on. If he wants to start afresh with you and dd and deal with the issues you've been having, then that should be clear from how he behaves.

So I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt, though you'll obviously be a bit wary for a while.

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 09:48

I can't say I'm surprised

Now re-read your first post (i just did) on your long thread. Read what he said/did to you. How he made you feel bad at a time when you needed support all because he was having an affair and his affections were elsewhere

What a wanker

(sorry)

As to whether you have got the whole truth from him, well it would be natural for him to lie so I would assume not.

What does he mean by "heading towards a physical relationship" Presumably that they have not slept together. Has he actually said that outright

I am VERY for you

But then people do deal with stress in odd ways.

nailpolish · 23/05/2008 09:51

i agree with CD

it all sounds too goodygoody to me, they realised they were heading towards a physical relationship and they stopped it, and both were ahappy to go seperate ways. its never as clean cut as that. do you think they have slept together?

i dont know what you should do next though

Original poster

MyHeadIsSpinning · 23/05/2008 10:06

Thanks for your replies. He said that they put a stop to it before I found out, in that they had stopped meeting up. However he was still txting her whichis how I found out - thta and by ringing her to ask for an explanation

I have asked him out right whether he has slept with her or anything sexual and he tells me no.

CD - I have read the thread and I feel so

He didn't actually say that they were heading towards a physical relationship but when questionned this is what they both flet was potentially on the cards.

He has told me thta in some ways he wanted to have a relationship - rather than the sex - to see what it was like to be with someone else rather than me - been togetehr since our teens and opnly ever slept with each other etc. (I'd be lying if I hadn't had these thoughts but have never come close to acting on them)

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 10:14

I think now you have the ideal opportuntiy to get him to couples counselling

You need to sort out what is going on here
why he let you down when you most needed his support
and all the other crap

Insist

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 10:15

oh and if he was still texting her he had NOT put a stop to it!

Original poster

MyHeadIsSpinning · 23/05/2008 10:18

He came with me earlier this week. We are going again next week. After the session we had a really good chat.

He wants to make it work it's just i'm so hurt and although I do and tbh feel better now even with all this, than I did when we were going to split I'm just so scared he is witholding stuff from me. I'm at rock bottom and can't go back to this so would rather know the whole truth, no matter how hurtful, now so i can work through it.

The counsellor stressed to him he must put me first, understand and take responsibility for what he has done and feel remorse before we can move on.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 10:22

Re the whole truth

I agree he should tell you but a couple of things

He won't - it will come out gradually and you may never know it all

When do you stop? I mean how do you believe that he has told the whole truth. You can never know for sure

Therein lies madness I feel

I am not saying that you shouldn't try and get the truth out of him, just that it won't necessarily achieve anything as you may not believe him anyway if he does tell the whole truth. Equally he may pretend to have told the truth and then you will find more out later at which point you will be devastated all over again

Very difficult

Original poster

MyHeadIsSpinning · 23/05/2008 10:30

I know CD and that's what's so hard
He has told me stuff that happened - flirty emails with someone he never met - 4yrs ago. Never had any idea so no reason to tell me this but did.....cos I told hi he must be honest and there can not be any secrets between us.

I think he has told me everything now but there is so much doubt in my mind I feel I'm going crazy.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 23/05/2008 10:51

Well that is understandable

It might be worth reading a few threads where similar things have happened to see what you should expect.

These things take a long time to overcome

nailpolish · 23/05/2008 11:07

you will drive yourself stark raving mad if you keep wondering if he has told you everything

did he have a love affair with this woman? was it her or could it have been anyone

iyswim

i think that is an important point

good for you for starting counselling

WELL DONE and keep it going

Original poster

MyHeadIsSpinning · 23/05/2008 11:18

Thanks for your replies - I'm going out for a while to take my mind off it all. Will ook at some threads later. This is why I started this one really to see if anyone had hd a similar experience and could offer me any advice from a been there and done it perspective

OP posts:

mabel1973 · 23/05/2008 15:59

I went through something similar to this a few months ago and posted on here.
My Dh developed a very good friendship with a work colleague which i believed crossed the boundaries but he is adamant that it never became physical.
There does beome a point where you have to start believeing what he says,or you just can't move on. However in saying this, 3 months on I am still suspicious of DH, very resentful of what he put me through and still get very down and question everything. He just says he let his feelings run away with him and put a stop to it, and swears to me that he would never have let it become physical although in our situation I had to pick up the phone to her and tell her to eff off basically - very dignified.
I would insist that he cuts ALL contact, deletes her contact details from his phone and email.
You are going to feel sad, angry, upset and every other emotion for some time, and some days it feels like it consumes your thoughts. It takes time to repair the damage and regain your trust and this is what I have said to my DH, and he needs to understand how you are going to be feeling and that you will have good days and bad days.
In terms of getting the whole truth...don't crucify yourself over this, you will drive yourself mad. and in all honesty you will never get it. If he is commited to you and cuts all contact with this woman, that is what you have to try and focus on and rebuild things from there. It's not going to be easy, but I that although I still have bad days, I have less of them than i did a month ago. I am hoping that in another few months, we might be somewhere near to where we used to be.
Good luck x

Flip