Struggling to move on

[Cate87]

Im 37. I dated a girl for 3-4 months (my first and only same sex relationship) which ended respectfully, it was a fun period but I did not feel for her and she told me she felt the same. But we built an emotional bond. We continued text chatting and meeting almost every other week for another 3 months. I think she wanted more so I would never message her first, I’d try leaving it some time before replying. We were both single with no one else around so I guess we built that emotional connection/support. She would open up to me about her past and how she’d be feeling. I guess I found a lot of comfort in knowing she was there and I could be there for her.
But she then went on a date and I didn’t hear from her. It’s been about 5 weeks now, they’re still dating. I still can’t shake off the feeling of being used. I keep replaying scenarios and conversations in my head. I want to tell her how frustrated I am but I don’t think it will help. I’ve spoken to friends but I feel I’ve exhausted them. They tell me to cut her off and move on. But I’m really struggling with it and trying to understand it all.
(I’ve been single most of my life, she’s a serial dater)

What exactly you expect in this situation?
She wanted a relationship and you don't there is not much more people can advise in this case. She moved on and you should do too . Sometimes people don't like to keep failed relationships as friendships. No one used anyone here I think .

But she didn’t want a relationship. She repeatedly told me that.

We both said we’d like to remain friends.

Oh i see

Because you said she wanted more I misunderstood that.
Well she probably just met someone more suitable for whatever she wants. I'm the same to be honest - I won't stay friends with someone I'm not dating especially someone I've been seeing for just few months. Even if it was years I won't waste time with some friendship.

Sorry I said “think she wanted more” but she would assure me she didn’t.
I think I just now feel lonely and sad. I know I need to move on but I really really struggle with it all.

I think you have zero entitlement to feel bad or used actually.
it was a fun period but I did not feel for her
I think she wanted more so I would never message her first, I’d try leaving it some time before replying.
She would open up to me about her past and how she’d be feeling. I guess I found a lot of comfort in knowing she was there…

You know that phrase “He’s just not that into you..”. Well you just weren’t that into her, and now maybe she’s found someone who is. If you really were a friend you would be happy for her and supportive, not feeling hard done by, because most new partners don’t like the ex being around.

I realise you feel sad that she has decided to not stay friends. But she hasn’t used you, it’s just things are different now she is with someone else.

I understand how you feel . Back in the day when I started dating women in.my 30s almost I'd cling to every single date or little relationship and expect a lot . Those things will pass. Try to put yourself outthere to.meet new people even if you are introvert . Thr only way to move on is with experience and meeting new people

So it’s ok to message someone daily for months, talk about feelings, ask for help and then ditch them when you meet someone else? Is that really ok?

You mention she dates a lot . Imagine having to keep that sort of connection with everyone she dated . You see it from another point of view because it is something new for you .

Thank you. I’m here crying over this situation and people are being horrible. I’m just saying how I feel and I don’t know how to move on.

Yes you’re right. It is new for me. I’ve been on my own for so long. I just feel left behind

Yes you will feel like this until you don't anymore. No one can help but you making effort to get out of this hole . And for the future- don't rely on other people for your happiness

Thank you

Many friends just disappear as soon as they get loved up with a new partner. There’s another thread on here about that.

I think I that’s what’s happened here.

If she splits up with her new partner you may hear from her again. Who knows. But I think you and she will never be an item.

You need to meet more new friends who just want friendship. Pethaps posting about how best to do that these days may bring some helpful answers?

loneliness is tough. We’ve (mostly) all been there. Youll pick yourself up and get on with life. In the meantime get out and about. Do stuff go places. Keep busy.

She could have said “look, I’ve met someone new, and I don’t want to mess it up by still have ‘relationship’ exchanges with you when I am in a relationship with someone else. I wish you the best.”

How do you think it would actually get the stage of ex- but we’re friends? What would that process actually look like for you?
There is also the element of you weren’t that much of a friend to her. You knew the relationship was lopsided in your favour, and were happy to reap the benefits of that. You did not behave with her best interests at heart, and are now behaving quite childishly that you still want the nuggets of attention for you to decide to ignore or reciprocate. on your terms.

You know what, you’re probably right. But just remember to be kind when people are having tough times. I came here for help and advice from a “mumsnet” forum. Not to be hated on.

Thank you for your kind response. You are right, I now need to focus on getting out and meeting people. I’m just a bit of a sensitive person. The dating world terrifies me, but I’ll keep trying. Thank you :)

I’m sorry that my words upset you. I suppose the intention is more straight talking aunt than ‘what is it you want to hear’ sycophants. It certainly didn’t come from hating you.

Of course I understand that her moving on is upsetting when you felt comfortable with how it was. Your pride is a little wounded, that’s all. The quickest way out of it is probably to get back on the Apps and find someone new!