Hi all. I’m 22F and have two young children with my 24M who I have been with for four years. Now, I know that is a short amount of time to have had two children with someone but please don’t judge me on that; my children are my world.
As the title says, my attraction to my partner has fizzled out and honestly I’m terrified. It’s both physically and mentally.
The smallest things he does drives me insane, he’s a very angry person and gets annoyed at pretty much anything rather easily. He isn’t violent or anything, but the moods he gets into so easily over the smallest things are so bad and is forever putting me into a bad mood. My family, my friends, his family all have seen and said something about how moody he is. I’ve asked him to get therapy for his anger, I even said to him that I don’t know how long I can deal with it for as I have my own mental health to look after.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my mental illnesses can be a lot to handle sometimes, I have OCD that manifested into really bad germophobia. I completely understand how hard that is to be around, especially because I have always been paranoid about him not touching this or that because I deem it dirty and so on. But the key difference is I have gotten therapy, twice now, to help me become the best version of myself for my me, family and friends. His promise to get therapy was just empty. And I know therapy will only help so long he complies and is willing to change.
Now with physical attraction, I think the fact he gets so angry hasn’t helped at all. As well as the fact he is really crappy with hygiene, especially dental. The whole time we have been together I haven’t enjoyed kissing him because of his breath. I’ve tried to gently tell him that he needs to do something about it. He never does.
As you can probably imagine too, I struggle with getting intimate with him for this reason too. We very rarely do anything, and last time we did I was cringing throughout it.
It’s really frustrating, I want to be attracted to him. I want to love him like I did before but there’s so many factors now that really make it difficult to do so. Like, I’m so scared if we broke up because I cant drive, I live 40 mins away from my family, and the thought of being a single parent is quite daunting. Of course he would be parenting too, but I’m like the ‘default’ parent and stay at home to care for them.
I also worry about being alone. I’m very insecure about the way I look now after having children, I have a lot if excess skin and stretch marks from pregnancy, and they make me feel unattractive because most people my age don’t have children, and the ones that do, don’t have bellies like mine and have ‘bounced back’ so to speak. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having stretch marks or lose skin, it’s just on me personally they make me feel insecure, and that I wont be able to ever find a partner again. As well as the fact I’d have to find someone who would be okay with the fact I have two children so young, and if I can even trust them around my kids because there’s some really creepy people around.
Theres so much to factor and I feel like Ive not covered it all but I can’t think properly atm, my head just feels so noisy.
please dont judge me or my life or feelings, I’m quite a sensitive person and if you don’t have anything nice to say just please scroll away as I don’t want to deal with getting upset with internet trolls. i just need someone to vent to.
if you have made it this far, thank you for reading