How to separate when husband refuses to leave

[Londonaries]

Married 11 years. 2 young children under 3. I need advice on how to separate from my husband. He refuses to leave the family home or even accept that the relationship is over. I’m a SAHM. I’ve started keeping a diary because I feel I’m being bullied in this relationship — constantly spoken to with unkind words, sarcasm, ridicule or snide remarks. I don’t feel I can tolerate it anymore, and I want to find a way out for myself and my children.

He is only happy when he knows he is having alcohol. Binge drinks every week, mainly at home.

I’ve asked him to get help. But he won’t.

He often speaks in a cruel or angry tone to our toddler. Some examples from the last couple of months:

• When our child was crying at bedtime, he called him a “fucking prick” and told me to “fuck off,” then said I “look like the ring.”

• When our child spilled milk, he told him “you’ve spilled it now” in a blaming tone. When I gently challenged this, he called me a “petty fucking cunt” in front of our child.

• During night terrors, he’s called our child things like “little brat,” “fucking pussy,” “little cunt,” and said things like “I’ve had enough of you” when our child asked for him.

• He’s also said things like “I hate him” and “he’s been a whiner all his life” while our child was sitting on his lap.

• He frequently uses language like “slug,” “shit mother,” “slut,” “whiner,” “little shit” — all directed at me or around the children.

He often refuses to listen when I try to calmly intervene or protect our children from hearing things like this. Instead, he becomes hostile and verbally aggressive with me.

We’ve just had another baby, and when I went to take the baby to feed him after hearing him cry, I was met with sarcasm and was told I was “bored of looking after the toddler now are you?.” The baby was only 4 weeks old at the time.

On top of this, several times a week, my husband says he wants to kill himself — sometimes jokingly, sometimes seriously. He has said he wants to leave a note for our eldest telling him he is ending his life “because of him” so he knows “how much misery he caused.”

I have asked him to leave, but he won’t. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t. I have nowhere to go.

The problem there is if he knows she wants to go, is he going to help pay that nursery bill so she can save some of the money she earns?

UC don't expect you to work necessarily while your child is still an infant.

I really wish victim blaming arse holes would develop some reading comprehension.

OP has already said things weren't like this when they conceived second baby or bought the house.

You can separate & file for divorce while living in the same house. Can you move into one of your dc room? Then stop doing anything for him, cooking, washing, shopping etc. See a solicitor, ring around when he is at work & find one that does a free 30 minute appointment. Can you record him on your phone in secret when he is being abusive, you can then use it as evidence. Speak to Women's Aid & ring your local police to ask to speak to someone in their DV team, you could see them when he is at work, show them the recorded evidence, if they think he is worth arresting they may arrest him either at work or as he leaves to avoid him kicking off at you & dc. Definitely start the ball rolling with divorce proceedings, you do the initial application online.

You’re in a domestically abusive relationship. The image will help you understand in what ways the relationship is abusive. Your partner is also emotionally abusing your children. You could call the police and with any luck they would arrest him and bail him away from your home. Alternatively you could ring social services (google mash and the name of your county) and then ring that number and tell them what’s happened. You should be assigned a social worker and they will do an assessment of how they can offer support and ensure the children are safe. They can help with you working with other agencies like the police, housing etc and refer you to a domestic abuse charity for support. People are often scared to involve social services but provided you actually will work with them to keep your children safe then there’s no reason to worry.

Would help if I added the image!

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to reply to me. I now understand this behaviour is emotionally and economically abusive (I didn’t before- I genuinely thought other women are probably having the same issue) I know it’s not right. He needs anger management and probably AA.

My first priority is to protect the minds and emotional stability of my children.

So you brush past all the examples of his abusive behaviour towards OP and their children and tell her to look for work? Is she supposed to put up with this for another 9 months?

He is abusing OP and his own children and she needs to get out with her children if he refuses to leave.

Of course she can expect him to go. He has a responsibility to house and support his family. What kind of "man" would see wife and 2 very young children, one only a baby, out of their home and homeless, while he puts his feet up staying in their house?

Agreed the day's of women having to put up and shut up are gone

A person who is paying all the bills and mortgage isn’t going to realistically walk away from a property whilst still paying for it all. The property is also mortgaged. It will need selling and the proceeds splitting as they’re married or she will need a job to be able to get a mortgage in her own name to buy him out. As soon as that relationships over, he doesn’t need to house and support them - she is responsible. There is a legal minimum that needs paying which based on her character description of him is all she’ll likely get (rightly or wrongly) from him, he sounds horrific. But the long and short of it, is that remaining a SAHM in this position is precarious. There was a positive outcome this week of a similar poster who patiently waited and was rehoused however her circumstances were different as she didn’t privately own the property and that could be a key difference in whether someone qualifies for those circumstances

Contact Refuge, not Women's Aid. They will be of huge help.

OMG auto correct 🙈

You need to get yourself a job. Whatever it is.
He sounds like a nasty man.