How do you just ‘get over it’?

[Gigantism]

How do people get over heartbreak? Is it just a matter of time?

My heart is currently pretty broken after some news about a man I loved that I found pretty devastating. The details are too long and boring to go into but it involves broken promises, another woman, and me chasing him unsuccessfully for a very long time. I feel a mixture of shame, regret, anger, jealousy, and overwhelming sadness.

I got this news four weeks ago. Since then I’ve been very down indeed. Crying frequently. I have a job and friends and hobbies. But I can’t bring myself to do very much. Everything seems like such an effort. I haven’t got out of bed today except to go to the loo. I just want to sleep. He’s ruined my life. I don’t want to go to work on Monday and I was meant to be going out tomorrow night but have cancelled that as well. I hate feeling like this.

Jump back on the horse and find a better man.

Does it feel better to frame it as grief? It’s a loss; a loss of a dream and a vision of how you thought life might be. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself space and time and compassion to do so. One day you will wake up and think “fuck this shit I’m not giving him any more of my life” and you will move on. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be sad. Journal if it helps; drink warm drinks; wear comfy clothes; watch comfort tv. This too shall pass.

It’s natural to grieve when you’ve lost someone who you potentially seen a future with but at some point you need to force yourself to carry on with your life.
You loved him but he is not the one, he isn’t the’one who got away’, he isn’t the great love of your life, he’s just a man who doesn’t deserve you to feel this rubbish over.

Use today as the last day you mope around over him, cry again if you need to but tomorrow you need to give yourself a shake and some tough love. Rearrange your plans for tomorrow night! Start making plans again, book a day out or a night away somewhere, even on your own, as something to look forward to! Anytime your mind drifts to him, give yourself a shake and think of something else.
Make sure he is blocked everywhere to stop yourself from checking up on him.

Start journalling, write all the emotions down to try get them out of your head and then refocus your mind on something else like a hobby or reading a book.

This will pass, be kind to yourself.

You loved who you thought he was, not who he is. Time does heal and you are allowed to lick your wounds.

As pp, block him on everything. Find something that will occupy your mind. Make sure you eat properly and go for a walk.

He’s ruined my life. You are responsible for your own life.

I've been in your position and it was awful at the time, but I'm far better off without him.

' he's ruined my life'. That's categorically not true. You believing this will make you feel worse tho. The only answer for heartbreak really is time. He's not the right one for you. If he was, he'd be with you. Write a list of all the things you didn't like about him. Don't idealise him. What you've lost is the future you thought you were going to have. That hurts. Give yourself time to grieve, but know that one day you'll wake up and it won't hurt so much. And one day he'll just be a memory and you'll be annoyed at how much headspace you gave him. It sucks, we've all been there. Be good to yourself, book a holiday, change your hair, start an exercise regime, get counselling if you think it will help. But don't let this man rob you of your self esteem. He's not worth it. No man is.

I can’t block him because we work at the same place and I sometimes need to see him for that. But I can (and have) stop all other contact. I’m not on socials etc.

People are right to say that I should just stop allowing him to make me feel like this. I’m so angry at him. He’s dominated my thoughts and actions for years, and for what? And now look at me. Wasted years.

Exactly this - it’s sounds like grief and you need to be compassionate to yourself

You force yourself to be over it until you really don’t feel anything anymore. It just takes time but you will heal from it. When it comes to relationships, the saying “what’s for you won’t go by you” really is true. If it is/was meant to be then you wouldn’t be going through this heartbreak because he wouldn’t have done this to you.

You give yourself a set time to greive. Then, when that's over you put your happy face on and get on with it. Life is there to be lived, it won't wait for you.

Feel like shite, put your face back on and try again.

You’re right it is a form of grief and it takes time. And everyone’s time limit is different.

A fwb

I also downloaded chat gpt who is an amazing counsellor and journaling in my notes

They’re all learning opportunities.

I spent 10 years with a man who is now my ex husband, and not a second of it was a waste - because I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. The lessons I learned from it are absolutely invaluable - one of them being I’ll never be treated like that again.

At the time, I would tell anyone who’d hear it that he might have ruined our marriage, but he was not going to ruin my life. I had the rest of that life to be getting on with. So do you.

I did get grief therapy after - you can grieve the living. Loss of future/opportunity/who you thought he was. If it’ll help, do look into getting that support.

You will come out the other side; and when you do, you’ll feel better for it.

You value YOURSELF a lot more.

You don’t pursue a man that’s not really in to you. I read on here a few months ago a post where someone said for a relationship to be successful the man has to love the woman more than she loves him. It took a bit of digesting but I think women can love more easily. Remember men will sleep with women they don’t even like by choice, women that sleep with men they don’t like usually do it for survival or to keep the peace.

It has to be a grieving process.
and it really really sucks.
you will think of him every single day until one day it wont be so much. But I know how it feels and it’s awful. I never got over mine but I learned to live without him and the dream I had for us (soz I know it sounds pathetic now but at the time I was devastated).
take time to miss him then u must get back to life and get on. He really is not worth the waste of the time you are about to spend thinking about him. But you will find that out later on. For now you need to think of yourself first. You will realise the truth of him soon.

With caveats. First time I went to bed after heartbreak, I ended up bursting into huge, body-wracking tears. FWB was wonderful in that he let me cry, and held me until i was calmer, but it was rather unfair he had to deal with me being so broken over another man. So you need to be ready for it.

Here in solidarity. I'm going through a similar thing and contact is unavoidable. I'm devastated and dint know how I'll get over it.

PPs have given some wonderful advice here. My friend went through similar - she was with our boss for a long term affair. It’s difficult when you need to see them at work. My friend went frosty - only speak about work things in a professional way, no nipping into meeting rooms to discuss matters - stay in the open office so there’s always someone else about, and just keep it like that. Find a buddy if there’s a work party and stick together because there’s a chance he’ll seek you out after a few drinks. Don’t go back - and make sure your work record is unblemished and can’t be criticised.

Be kind to yourself, let your emotions out, in private. Write down your feelings in a letter to him - then burn it. I suggested this to my friend and it was therapeutic to her.

You're a free agent and you focus on getting to the best version of yourself whether that's for your own sake or the intention of finding someone else. Start exercising, eating healthily, get yourself some new clothes, a new look perhaps, new hair cut. Book a holiday with friends?