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Original poster

Lack of intimacy is ruining everything

12 replies

Mystical1981 · 14/06/2025 10:11

We have been together for 10 years we have had a good relationship although ups and downs however there is one thing that is ruining everything and its lack of intimacy. We do alot together We have alot in common and are best friends we have fun and have a laugh but intimacy and sex just doesn't seem to happen. He stays at mine 3 times a week and when it gets to bedtime we get into bed roll over and thats it. He used to randomly kiss and touch my bum (which he used to say was his favourite thing about me) or put his arm around me and cuddle me it made me feel secure but that has completely stopped he doesn't even mention my bum anymore he never tells me I look nice etc. The thing is its got to the point now where im starting to hate my body and hate the way I look. I've started thinking of ways I could change my body its making me so insecure. Then it makes me also think is he cheating on me or watching porn etc and thats why he doesn't want me. I try and talk to him about it he either says he fancies the pants off me (this confuses me because he doesn't show it) or he gets angry and tells me im going crazy and shuts me down saying he hasn't done anything wrong and I shouldn't be accusing him of cheating etc and tells me im being disrespectful for thinking he's cheating. The other day we had had such a nice day together we really got close and I really thought he might want to get closer in the bedroom but that night he got into bed said how tired he was rolled over and feel straight asleep. I couldn't sleep my heart was having palpitations I was full of anxiety thinking he's definitely cheating. Mind was going overdrive. In the morning I asked him if he fancies me and that was it he got angry and said I was crazy.
I love him alot but its destroying me and making me think all things and making me hate myself and my body. What do I do? Should I leave him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mystical1981 · 14/06/2025 10:15

Just to add aswell he does alot to show me he loves me he would do anything for me but he doesn't show me that he fancies me or wants me sexually. I cant be in a sexless relationship.

OP posts:
Koazy · 14/06/2025 10:31

Mystical1981 · 14/06/2025 10:15

Just to add aswell he does alot to show me he loves me he would do anything for me but he doesn't show me that he fancies me or wants me sexually. I cant be in a sexless relationship.

I think that’s it then. You’re done here. He’s not changing whatever the reason.

Walkthisroad · 14/06/2025 10:33

A lot of men have a low sex drive or lower than their partner’s. Whatever the problem, it doesn’t suit you and no you can’t live like that so time to call it a day.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 14/06/2025 10:35

It won’t change, either, imo.

Zanatdy · 14/06/2025 10:36

I’d end it, it’s unlikely you’ll get this part of the relationship back.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/06/2025 12:03

How long has this been going on and did you have matching sex drives before?

It could be psychological eg stress or depression. It could be medical eg low testosterone or medication side effects. However, like any problem in a relationship, if you can't communicate there's little you can do.

I would attempt to have a conversation where you bring up how you feel and how this is affecting you. I would explain that I don’t want to be celibate and will support him while he investigates what's wrong.

If he refuses to do anything or even talk about it the you resign yourself to celibacy or finish the relationship.

Original poster
Mystical1981 · 14/06/2025 16:05

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/06/2025 12:03

How long has this been going on and did you have matching sex drives before?

It could be psychological eg stress or depression. It could be medical eg low testosterone or medication side effects. However, like any problem in a relationship, if you can't communicate there's little you can do.

I would attempt to have a conversation where you bring up how you feel and how this is affecting you. I would explain that I don’t want to be celibate and will support him while he investigates what's wrong.

If he refuses to do anything or even talk about it the you resign yourself to celibacy or finish the relationship.

Hi this has been going on for about 2 years or so he says he has a high sex drive and would have sex every day. This is why im so confused because we have been having sex once every 2 or 3 months. He says he's turned on every time he gets in bed with me yet then says he's tired and rolls over with his back to me. Then when I try and talk to him about it he says he has done nothing wrong. I try and say its not that you have done anything wrong but we aren't connecting in that area but he just thinks im going crazy and he hasn't done anything wrong
I'm only 41 i dont have the highest sex drive but I dont want to give up on sex altogether. It's a shame because he satisfy me in every other area but I feel this is important and makes me very insecure and I feel like I have lost trust in him now.

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 14/06/2025 18:07

Spell it out. Tell him you have tried to talk to him about it on many occasions, you love him and want intimacy but can't be in a sexless relationship.

Walkthisroad · 14/06/2025 18:24

He’s in denial then. Not sure why he is kidding himself but just tell him you’re not compatible.

jolies1 · 14/06/2025 20:02

”DP, I love you but we need to have a serious talk about the lack of intimacy in our relationship recently. It’s making me feel sad, frustrated and unwanted. I know it’s not an easy topic to talk about but if there is anything affecting your ability to be intimate such as your health or stress, I need you to be willing to discuss it with me and consider solutions. If not the only conclusion I can come to is that you no longer want me in that way and our relationship may have run its course.”

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 15/06/2025 00:21

I was dating a man like this, totally loved him, but he would not show me any intimacy, whether that was kisses or sex. I talked to him about it and nothing changed. It was better for my self confidence to leave.
He's probably ruined your self confidence like he ruined mine.

Eric1964 · 15/06/2025 01:46

jolies1 · 14/06/2025 20:02

”DP, I love you but we need to have a serious talk about the lack of intimacy in our relationship recently. It’s making me feel sad, frustrated and unwanted. I know it’s not an easy topic to talk about but if there is anything affecting your ability to be intimate such as your health or stress, I need you to be willing to discuss it with me and consider solutions. If not the only conclusion I can come to is that you no longer want me in that way and our relationship may have run its course.”

That's very well put. I'm going to have to have a version of this conversation with my wife soon and I'm not looking forward to it. I think I genuinely need to write a script, not unlike what you've said here.

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