Advice please about partner's secret

[Tiredandconfused123]

I tried posting here recently but may have not completed properly. Briefly this time. I am 70 as is my partner of 13 years. We do not live together but share many interests, I believed he loved me and both our families are close.
I have recently discovered he meets men on line to have video sex with them. When I confronted him, he said he doesn't understand why he does it but it is just fantasy and he has now stopped. I said I have lost all trust in him and I wonder what else he has ket from me. He said he's sorry for deceiving me....or is he sorry he's been found out? Doesn't want to lose me and wants to repair our relationship. I feel betrayed as though everything we have had is a farce.
Should I move on or give him a chance to prove he cares for me?

How can you believe he has stopped? Surely he is just telling you what you want to hear and will simply cover his tracks better from now on.

That’s too much of a betrayal for me. You’re only 70. Don’t settle for this shit.

That’s some betrayal! Irrelevant of whether it’s men or women he’s having video sex with, he’s as good as cheated on you in my book.

Deal breaker for me. He’s a compulsive liar and cheat - not attractive traits on a partner.

Don’t waste your twilight years on this grubby little man - he’s not sorry about what he’s done it’s self pity for getting caught.

It literally isn’t ’just fantasy’. He’s actually meeting men for sex, not just thinking about it.

I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who had put my sexual health at risk.

I really couldn't be bothered with them any more. Disentangle yourself from him

Was there any sign in your relationship that he was bisexual?

Thank you all. Very much appreciated. I just needed confirmation that I was definitely stupid to even consider trying to rebuild our relationship. Once a liar, always a liar.

I've been reading similar threads from women who have discovered their partners/husbands do this. It was particularly sad to read about the girl who is about to give birth. It makes my situation feel less devastating and my heart goes out to her.
I am utterly gobsmacked that so many men can live two lives. When i read the many, many transcripts I discovered on my (ex!) partner's laptop, I was amazed at the language used by the men he linked up with, the pictures shared, the way they described what they enjoy doing. My parner appears to be a kind, thoughtful and caring person but he had an abusive father. He said he doesn't know if he was sexually abused but saw his mother being physically abused. I have always believed he has trauma from this as he is an 'interesting' man with lots of idiosyncracities which we have discussed.
I have suggested counselling over the years but at 70, is he capable of change?
Do you think all men are capable of sexual deviation? It brings up so many questions about the difference between males and females.
When I stand aside and look at what has happened, it's interesting and I try to work out what would make a semingly kind hearted man do this but at other times when I am tired and alone, I feel it's devastating...
I'm afraid of becoming a man hater.

OP obviously not all men but sadly he is someone who has deceived you and hidden his true nature from you. So sorry this has happened and caused you such distress and upset. Unfortunately he will have always had these tendancies and yes, he probably is just sorry he's been found out and would have kept on doing it if you hadn't discovered his secret. I would suggest some counselling for you to help you get some support in managing your devastation and shock.

Honestly OP the sheer number of posts on here that say ‘my partner is kind, caring, considerate but……’ then go on to list more red flags than a communist party rally.

It seems there’s a hell of a lot of men out there who have either split personalities or they’re putting on a very very good act.

@Tiredandconfused123
Of course this is devastating to discover but I would be definitely be moving on.

Thank you everyone.

"I am utterly gobsmacked that so many men can live two lives."

You may find this recent piece by Rachel Hewitt thought-provoking. Here are some snippets:

"Why are men more likely than women to live secret lives?
... As someone with first-hand experience of men living secret lives, I’m very interested in the question of why it seems to be men who engage in the most extreme forms of this secretive behaviour, and how if affects the women in their lives.

Men are more secretive than women

The evidence for men’s greater propensity towards secrecy is not just anecdotal. Studies show that men and boys are more secretive than women and girls from childhood onwards.... a number of psychological studies find that the types of secrets kept by men and women differ. Men tend to conceal things that they have done to others, particularly ways they’ve harmed them, whereas women’s secrets are more likely to revolve around times when we’ve been harmed - usually by men. The secrets that women and girls are most likely to keep involve having been raped, whereas men’s and boys’ secrets are more likely to involve committing rape and/or being violent, abusive or disruptive, whether at school, in the workplace, at home, or in public.... regardless of the specific content of the secret, keeping secrets is, in and of itself, about power. Men’s secrets are those of the more powerful class. Those secrets frequently involve perpetrating harm

The Gendered Psychology of Keeping Secrets

So men are more likely to have the means and power to keep secrets - but what makes them want to do so?..."

https://rachelhewitt.substack.com/p/why-are-men-more-likely-than-women

"When I stand aside and look at what has happened, it's interesting and I try to work out what would make a semingly kind hearted man do this but at other times when I am tired and alone, I feel it's devastating..."

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter WHY he had a secret double life* and lied to and cheated on you. Tracy Schorn, who has an excellent blog on infidelity (ChumpLady.com), calls the wondering about WHY "untangling the skein of efupedness".

It's a natural response to being lied to and cheated on.

But ultimately, delving into the psychology of cheaters and habitual liars won't solve the problem. This is why Tracey/Chump Lady says not to "untangle the skein", and instead cut straight to the chase by asking yourself the question:

"Is this relationship acceptable to me?"

You can't change your partner, and at the age of 70, the chances of him changing for you are frankly ZERO. So you have 2 choices: either accept that he lies and cheats to you (and heaven knows what else he has not told you), or leave.

https://www.chumplady.com/untangling-the-skein/

*You may also find this blog post about "Secret Sexual Basements" by ChumpLady useful:

https://www.chumplady.com/secret-sexual-basements-an-interview-with-dr-omar-minwalla/

Louise...thank you for your time, thoughtful response and for the links. I will study them and take heart.