Moving on advice

[Flump2025]

Would quite like the opinions of others please as I'm feeling rather confused.
Was in a relationship of 13 years with my ex partner, we have an older child. I couldn't hack the relationship any longer nothing was bringing me happiness from it. To cut a long story short I paid for everything, supported him through years of mental health and tried to be there as much as I could. In the long run it effected me so much I just couldn't do it anymore, I was happy enough to call it quits and remain on my own single. We still live together, he doesn't have the money to move out and I'm currently trying to save to make this step so he can keep the home we are in.
We have been split up for 8 months and I met someone at a local pub, 2 months ago, who was actually interested in me, during this period we have messaged every few days, we have met once for a quick coffee, and we have slept with each other 2 times, I booked a hotel. I'm so scared to develop more feelings for this man as my situation isn't realistic to start a new romantic relationship, so I did call it off with him but didn't go into detail why.
And although I'm happy enough right now to remain single and not introduce this man to my child, as it's not serious, I can't help but miss him, and i really want to reach out to him again.
As I've mentioned me and my ex still live under the same roof, he wants to make things work but it's not what I want, I've made it clear soon one of us has to leave, and we will plan fair custody of our child.
I think what scares me is his reaction if he was to know I'm moving on or had sexual relations with someone else, do I tell him? I feel like I'm doing something wrong and scared I couldn't ever move on. I'm scared he will do everything he could to find out who the other person is and perhaps scare him off. I feel so bound to my ex because he doesn't want to let go but my love for him went years ago, and it's the only relationship I have ever been in.

I understand the new relationship excitement but the clearer the boundaries are between you and your ex the less complicated it will be and not living together, should make that easier. As long as you live with your ex he will still think there is hope and the sooner you detach from him the sooner you will be able to move on.

Your ex is and adult and his poor mh is not an excuse for him to check out of adulthood. If he needs mh support, then he needs to seek it but the longer you burden yourself with the responsibility of looking after him, the longer you both stay stuck in the parent/child dynamic that contributed to the downfall of your relationship.

If you truly felt bound to your ex, you wouldn’t have slept with someone else, twice. You say you miss the new man, but it sounds like what you miss isn’t necessarily him, but the escape.

And you say that you called things off with him because of your situation, but then you want to reach out again. It sounds like you want/wanted something that you could easily dip in and out of because you knew deep down that it wouldn’t last, but you perhaps just wanted to feel something different. Wanting to tell your ex is probably about you needing it to mean something to you… cause there’s no reason to tell him unless you want to hurt him.

It sounds like a part of you is still emotionally attached to the dysfunction. You’re focused on this back n forth and what it all means instead of putting your full energy into leaving. But then again, it doesn’t seem like either of you are ready to separate. Until you’re ready, you’ll keep circling the same emotional loops.

Personally I think it was the right decision to end it whilst you’re still living under the same roof. Especially as your ex wants to get back together. I don’t think many people would be happy to be in a relationship with someone still living with their ex. It wouldn’t be a great start to be honest. I certainly wouldn’t share this with your ex whilst still living together. Focus on saving enough to move out, and perhaps reach out to the new guy when you’re in your own place. Otherwise, things will get messy and will cause a lot of upset. It’s pretty hard to move on when still living together.

So your ex has plenty of energy and motivation to make life difficult for you if you move on, but none to be an adult and move out or pay for somewhere to live? And you paid for the hotel? Did the other guy not have his own place?
Stop funding poor quality men.
One of you has to move out, and soon. You can’t live like this, why are you being so accommodating to someone who doesn’t listen to what you want?