Partners past

[CRosa]

My partner has been very open to me about the type of person he was when he was younger up to early thirties. He has been married before. I can’t imagine him being this type of person and when I think about him being like that it annoys me. Sometimes I wish he never told me. Would the past affect the present feelings and future feelings of a relationship? (He was a cheating husband and bedded a lot of random woman. He treated it as a challenge and said it was a game to him)

Yes it would bother me.

He is literally telling you that it was just a game to him, and he didn't take fidelity seriously. How much do you think he has changed?

Over to you...

That sort of past would bother me yes. I like men who are pretty decent, which usually shows before they're in their 30s!

How many years ago are we talking? What’s his view on his previous behaviour? Bragging? Ashamed? Reflective?

Ofcourse the usual school of thought is a leopard can’t change his spots - and he’s shown what he’s capable of, but if it was a long time ago and he’s spent the intervening years growing up and working on himself, I don’t think it’s automatic assumption that he’d do it again. But yes, I’d be wary as it says something about his values and view of women.

Absolutely. I'd never even date someone that has cheated, or had a one night stand, FWB, used a sex worker, bought a lapdance etc.
Faithful men who have only had sex in relationships and haven't paid for a womans body is the only kind i'd even consider.

Treated women as notches on bedpost, lied snd cheated - none of those character traits I’d find appealing in a partner

Run. Men like this seldom change, and if you happen to find the golden nugget who has… either way you’ll still have the niggling doubt that he’ll be upto his old tricks. It’s a miserable life, he’s told you who he is.

He’s testing you to see how much you’ll tolerate. If you stay it’s the green light for him to sleep with whoever he wants.
Of course cheaters don’t seem like cheaters. They wouldn’t be very good ones if it was written all over their face. It’s the sly ones who pretend to be amazing that give you the biggest shock. Although it shouldn’t be for you. He’s literally told you what he’s like. With the lie that he isn’t any more I presume?

Does he regret his cheating ways?

People can change, but it's his current attitude that is important.

Yes it would definitely bother me. You have had a warning - it's up to you whether you listen to it or not.

I think men like this often don't want to be like this and think they can change, but they just can't.

Most men who tell their partners about a history like this are setting you up to be the bad guy if you complain that they cheat again: “ well you knew what I was like, I did tell you and you still wanted me so….”

I guess it depends why he told you and how he told you. If he said he’s reflected on it, can see it was shitty behaviour, he’s taken himself off to therapy and addressed his issues, then maybe he’s just being honest.

I’m a cynic though. You said you can’t imagine him being this type of person: what’s his behaviour like now? Does he do anything that makes you feel you can’t trust him?

As a male, if my partner was your OH, I’d be fine with it, especially if it was 10+ years ago. It’s not the past that matters in my eyes , it’s the present and if you see a completly different person now compared to what he told you he was like then I don’t think it’s an issue:

prostitutes and cheating is different, Lapdancers snd ‘playing the field ‘ is quite normal for young men. neither floated my boat but a lot of my friends did and they are happily married and that time of their life is very much their past.

Whether the past affects your current relationship depends on him- and you!

People’s behaviour is really not set in stone. It can change dramatically as they grow older & their priorities & values shift.

You have not said how long ago this behaviour was, what made him change, or how long ago the change was, or what his attitude to it is.

if he finds his past behaviour funny, or clever, or minimises it, if he is proud of it, I would be concerned. If he is still hanging out with the same group of people that he spent time with in those days, I would also be concerned (though this would depend a bit on what they’re like).

But if he knows he caused pain, and doesn’t belittle it, or see himself as the victim, I would take him as he is now. Don’t be blind to the reality of how he is now, but please don’t let the past colour that incorrectly!

My own partner is 60. Until late 30s he led his life in such a way (from what he’s admitted about it) that I really would not have wanted to be involved with him or even spend an evening with him. His life was about drugs & partying & sex- he had affairs & hung about with some pretty dodgy people. However when his first child was born he changed his life completely. He’s a different person and has been for many years- a loving, supportive, kind, faithful, reliable man (and a great father). I am immensely lucky to have him.

People can change. Look at what is in front of you, not what happened years ago.

If he's not into monogamy then he needs to be honest. He'll have had to have a complete change of personality if he's now got a moral compass and sense of integrity. Has he been through intensive therapy and really worked on himself? If not I'd leave him to it.

People do change and quite a bit - there are things I did in my younger years which I would never ever do again now. I cant erase the past but no chance of going back and doing those things now.