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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So confused…sorry for another post

6 replies

Chimpannazee · 13/06/2025 15:09

Hi everyone,
I have posted in the divorce/seperation section but I don’t think it gets too much traffic…
as you can probably tell I’m finding things hard at the moment. 5 months into separation and have recently 2 weeks ago moved into a rental to get away from the way things have been.
long story short. I had a dreadful time when I seperated from husband back in February. Ended up with the crisis team due to overwhelming anxiety and my husband just looked at me and said ‘do not expect any pity from me whatsoever’.
I was supposed to tale my daughter to Thailand in April but due to me being so poorly he ended up taking her but because the seat on the plane couldn’t be amended he had to buy a new ticket…which he made me pay for and give him the spending money I had drawn out (£3700 in total). He earns over £190k per year. I earn £30k.
Ive been seeing a counsellor and she has mentioned that there is a lot of emotional abuse and because my mental health has been up and down this has been a weapon to beat me with over the years to the point where I just feel that everything is my fault.
Fast forward to now and I have been in my house for two weeks. My husband has suddenly turned around and is being quite nice to me..,and in all honestly I think it’s made me bad. I’ve had thoughts that I shouldn’t have left, even though deep down I know I’ve done the right thing. I just feel so confused by everything since seeing him last week I just don’t know whether I’m coming or going!
please can anyone just give me a bit of a hand hold…I need to remember the way I have felt over the years (12 years married..8 of not feeling happy). I hated him when he had a drink, he would be vile to me and then if I stood up to him the next day and told him he had hurt me it would be turned around and I’d be told I had ruined the night, I need to tell my daughter that we are splitting etc etc. I think I’m a shell of myself in all honesty.
Just need a cuddle and reassured that leaving has been the right thing and that everything will be ok x

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 13/06/2025 15:41

OP You know you are doing the right thing in leaving. You have experienced a lot of manipulation, gaslighting and abuse over the years and you are most likely trauma bonded to him.
Take a deep breath, look around your new safe space and know that you are far better off to be free of him. He has told you he is without pity! The 'being nice' is to reel you back in and throw you into a self doubting and confused state.
Of course you need to tell your daughter and be very clear this move is to save your sanity! She can have her own relationship with her father but you don't have too. Sending you a hand hold and wishing you a very happy future in your new home, you deserve a peaceful and happy life. Don't look back now, keep going!

Original poster
Chimpannazee · 13/06/2025 15:46

Thankyou so much. Just to clarify, our daughter knows we have separated. The times he said this were during previous arguments after I had ruined the night etc. It’s such a terrifying time and so fearful of the unknown so thankyou so much for the hand hold. It really does help xx

OP posts:
anitarielleliphe · 13/06/2025 15:51

Chimpannazee · 13/06/2025 15:09

Hi everyone,
I have posted in the divorce/seperation section but I don’t think it gets too much traffic…
as you can probably tell I’m finding things hard at the moment. 5 months into separation and have recently 2 weeks ago moved into a rental to get away from the way things have been.
long story short. I had a dreadful time when I seperated from husband back in February. Ended up with the crisis team due to overwhelming anxiety and my husband just looked at me and said ‘do not expect any pity from me whatsoever’.
I was supposed to tale my daughter to Thailand in April but due to me being so poorly he ended up taking her but because the seat on the plane couldn’t be amended he had to buy a new ticket…which he made me pay for and give him the spending money I had drawn out (£3700 in total). He earns over £190k per year. I earn £30k.
Ive been seeing a counsellor and she has mentioned that there is a lot of emotional abuse and because my mental health has been up and down this has been a weapon to beat me with over the years to the point where I just feel that everything is my fault.
Fast forward to now and I have been in my house for two weeks. My husband has suddenly turned around and is being quite nice to me..,and in all honestly I think it’s made me bad. I’ve had thoughts that I shouldn’t have left, even though deep down I know I’ve done the right thing. I just feel so confused by everything since seeing him last week I just don’t know whether I’m coming or going!
please can anyone just give me a bit of a hand hold…I need to remember the way I have felt over the years (12 years married..8 of not feeling happy). I hated him when he had a drink, he would be vile to me and then if I stood up to him the next day and told him he had hurt me it would be turned around and I’d be told I had ruined the night, I need to tell my daughter that we are splitting etc etc. I think I’m a shell of myself in all honesty.
Just need a cuddle and reassured that leaving has been the right thing and that everything will be ok x

At a bare minimum, you must leave an abuser because if you fail to do so you are normalizing his treatment of you . . . how men like your husband mistreat and abuse their wives. This will follow your child for their entire life and affect everything in their personal relationships. They will think this is normal man/woman or husband/wife behavior. They will either adopt those roles and behaviors or shun any type of romantic relationship in the future, or self-sabotage those relationships out of fear and mistrust, due to what they have witnessed as a child.

Original poster
Chimpannazee · 13/06/2025 15:54

I agree with this fully. And I want my girl to grow up knowing that her mum was strong enough to do it on her own. Luckily my daughter is a hugely level headed young lady and has so far coped very well. I am with her this week so she will bring me peace. Gosh it’s hard to believe I stayed for so long but really just thought it was normal…until I left and realised that maybe I deserve more 😔

OP posts:
Wednesdayisme · 13/06/2025 16:12

Haven't seen other post but just wanted to send you some 💕 from pp sounds like you've gone through it with your ex and his abuse. It'll take time so be gentle with yourself and make sure you keep talking.
I'm sure there will plenty of people on here that have gone through the same and can give you advice and support.

Original poster
Chimpannazee · 13/06/2025 16:16

Wednesdayisme · 13/06/2025 16:12

Haven't seen other post but just wanted to send you some 💕 from pp sounds like you've gone through it with your ex and his abuse. It'll take time so be gentle with yourself and make sure you keep talking.
I'm sure there will plenty of people on here that have gone through the same and can give you advice and support.

Thankyou so much for this 💜

OP posts:
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