Past stupidity, admittance.

[ShyMoose]

My Wife and I have been married not even a year. We have been together since 2020 and first and foremost I am absolutely infatuated with her. She is honestly the love of my life and I’d do anything to save our relationship and marriage.

My Wife and I go to a local weight loss group together and the other day, a woman from my past showed up with her partner, didn’t recognise her at first but it became clear when she winked at me that it was who I thought it was.

This other woman, is someone I cheated on my ex partner with in 2018. My ex never found out but I ended our relationship due to it being extremely toxic on both sides and I was a coward for not ending it sooner. I honestly hate myself for this awful decision and have tried to forget it.

A few years ago, into my new relationship, when clearing out old social media accounts I saw this other woman, I made a stupid decision and messaged her to ask how she was, she said she was ok and still single and we chatted briefly over a handful of messages throughout the day, I made an inappropriate comment and immediately regretted what I had done, I hate myself for it. I blocked her account and deleted my account and swore to myself I’d never do anything like that again. Since that point I have never done anything like that and would never again.

I’m not sure how to proceed, I’ve thought over and over each outcome and need advice and guidance. My heart is telling me to tell her face to face before our next group meeting as I’d hate her to find out from someone else, especially in a public setting. This will almost certainly crush her but I know it’s important to be transparent. Another part of me is thinking just go to group and carry on in the hope that the other woman has moved on and doesn’t wish to stir. But the thought of me being sat next to my Wife, holding hands with her completely oblivious to the fact someone I have a past with is sat potentially beside us.

There are no excuses for my behaviour and will accept the consequences, but I’d honestly do anything to save our relationship, especially as we have been planning a family together and I couldn’t imagine anyone else I’d rather do it with.

What guidance do people have?

Thank you.

What was the comment?

I honestly can’t remember exactly but I mentioned our past encounter and that she find someone to have a relationship with.

I think you should be honest with your wife. You did a shit thing, but then, you did the right thing. You recognised it was wrong and put a hard stop to it.

She deserves your honesty. And she deserves the truth, and the freedom to make her own choices by that.

If not, your only keeping her with a lie and a facade. That's deception.

Tell the truth. It's brave and right.

Jeez no , you are making this a far bigger deal than it needs to be.

Tell your wife there is a woman at slimming club you used to date pre - her.

So what you made an ‘off’ comment to the ex in earlier days of your new relationship. You had instant regret and closed the chat. Your wife doesn’t need to know

You love and are faithful to your wife. What happened before you met her is in the past and I don’t think you should say anything. You haven’t done anything wrong since meeting your wife so it’s irrelevant. What my DH did in relationships prior to meeting me is none of my business. You are over thinking this.

The woman winking does indicate she may be mischievous however. It might be for the best if you go to a different weight loss group. You could just say to your wife that a woman you dated briefly 7 years ago is in the group and you think it’s a bit awkward.

BTW I know you messaged this woman briefly while in your new/current relationship but you shut it down fast and regretted it. That’s fine in my book.

You should be honest. There is a likelihood of this woman trying to cause problems and if I was in your wife’s position I would feel mortified that I was left in the dark. I would feel betrayed. She won’t like what you have to say, but the honesty will allow her to move past it if she chooses to (I think she will).

If your comment was only referring to past experiences and not suggesting you meet up etc then it’s not great but it’s not worthy of ending a marriage over. Especially as it was early on in your relationship.

Just listen and validate her feelings and ask her what she needs to feel comfortable moving forward. Don’t minimise. Get everything out in one go. It’s hard to take but much easier in the long run.

I appreciate you coming forward, sharing your experience, and being vulnerable. However, knowing what you've done, I find it impossible to trust you. Your past actions—cheating on your ex partner and exchanging inappropriate messages again while in a committed relationship—suggest a pattern that may continue despite any efforts to change.

I realize this may not be helpful to you, but I felt it was important to say.

Why would you use ChatGPT to write a response?

That doesn’t seem like an inappropriate comment? Unless you mean you said “well based on what a good shag you are (god I miss doing x with you, do you ever think about it) you’ll find someone, lucky guy 😏 shame it can’t be me”

That doesn’t seem like an inappropriate comment? Unless you mean you said “well based on what a good shag you are (god I miss doing x with you, do you ever think about it) you’ll find someone, lucky guy 😏 shame it can’t be me”