I’m struggling

[ForFunGoose]

Married 28 years, dh 7 years older,
4 kids 29-15, ds 1 conceived 6 months into relationship. Am turning 50 this year.

Dh is 99% career focused, always has been. He calls us a team, he fulfilled his life working and I did the rest, part time work & kids. For 10 years I was mon-Fri at home alone.
Some what born out of necessity but his ambition got us stuck financially for a time.

I still have to fit into his life, career is busy at the moment so I have to lay low. No demand chirpy wife who organises ‘quality time’.

I am from a broken home and would struggle to put myself first. I feel like I want to live another life without upsetting my children.
Was just about to type my dh is a good man but is he the right man for me!

I am lonely 😞

Are you suggesting you want to leave your husband?

Oh gosh I get the lonely part.

You deserve a worthy life and to be acknowledged.

What is the first thing that pops into your head that you would like to do for yourself, and what is stopping you?

I would like to feel a spark, have a little more energy in my life.

What’s stopping me is the fear of rocking the boat snd my kids having a broken home.

What about getting involved in your local community/hobbies/evening classes/fitness classes? Your kids are old enough for you to look for enjoyment outside of your marriage, it’s not the only thing that defines us.

Just a hand hold from me OP. I am in a similar situation except kids are infants and only married for 5 years. And I'm parenting solo all the time.

I think that going out and doing some community or activitiy is a good idea. Considering it myself now. I really want to get back into writing and reading too. Pick up your hobbies and interests or explore some new ones.

@Paintandpots I am the same, married 7 years. But my husband is amazing. He picks up a lot of parenting duties and wholly supports me. I only have jobs not a career.
However I don’t have any desire anymore, we’re best friends and I’d do anything for him but just don’t want an intimate marriage,
I don’t think there’s anything he can do to change that.
We have been together 18 years. Hopefully it will get better.

@Littlemunchkinsmummy i find breastfeeding and just being with the children on my own (thankfully have a bit of a break when DS1 is at nursery part time) has really reduced my desire to be intimate, but also don't really get hugs or kisses or any physical affection really.

At the risk of trying to fix other people problems whilst kind of trying to ignore mine.... do you think you and your husband might benifit from a date night? Or just some time together without the children? Babysitter or grandparents for children?

Either way it sucks and hand holding for us all, hoping things get better some how.

If your kids are 15-29 I really don't think you need to worry that much about them OP. I would've been devastated as a child if my parents separated but in my 20s was totally fine. At that age, grown children can see their parents are just people and have their own relationship dynamics. For the teens yes be more careful but they're not as vulnerable as little children.

Plus you don't have to worry about childcare and I assume there isn't that much to do at home at this stage. At this point, you can easily take steps to regain some independence and fulfilment without overturning the boat completely, eg re-training, job hunting, socialising.

As someone whose parents separated in my 20s, I don't consider myself from a broken home at all btw, I had a happy childhood with a typical nuclear family. Now my parents still hang out together on family occasions and we have a great time - in fact us kids find it hilarious how they grumpy pair gets on each others' nerves. Many older couples stay apart.

I'm not saying you have to separate, you could just take small steps to have a career/hobbies/social life, but perhaps your thinking around your grown children infantilises them and is a bit overly anxious.

Thanks for the replies and kindness.

I am from a ‘broken home’ parents separated when I was 15. Neither has a new partner so we are now caring for two elderly people separately.

I work but in a doing profession and I think this might be part of the problem. I have had a lot of caring rolls in my life. Younger sibling with additional needs, children, parents and work. Think I’m burned out in general.

@ForFunGoose im sensing you’re being taken for granted…but you’re scared to rock the boat? from broken home should not be reason for you to accept the status quo…it’s clear to me it’s not what you want at 5his stage of your life? YIU are a woman and it would be nice to be complemented and made to feel like the most important person in DH mind and spoilt and feel tht ‘spark’ ignite ✊🏿

It's probably approaching empty nest and wondering what's next.
Are you living a comfortable lifestyle? I personally wouldn't mind being a SAHM and a support if I were fully financially taken care of and pension secured.
The loneliness and spark isn't filled by career necessarily. Some jobs take away your spark.

@AlmondCherries everyone circumstances are different , work , financial security etc is important but your personal well being mentally and physically should be a priority dont you think?

Try new hobbies etc. I know you say about financially hubby got you in difficulties but at the age your kids were you could also have been working even part-time to contribute unless you have some disability

Mental and physical wellbeing is a lot more possible if the finances are taken care of and are not reliant on a career.

@AlmondCherries i agree what you’re saying but does that mean you have to go through daily life feeling the way she is ‘lonely’ just to fit in with DH lifestyle ? Surely not✊🏿

@Paintandpots oh the breastfeeding stage, that’s tough. Baby attached to you all the time. My younger one used to be latched all night long. Now I joke he was at an all night buffet.
Oh that’s tough, a hug can give you so much reassurance and make you seen if that makes sense.

My husband and I do activities together, but I have no attraction for him anymore. He’s an amazing person, my best friend. We laugh and joke , think the same that’s it.

Yes time will bring better times 🥰

So he's always been 99% career-focused, which means the remaining 1% of him has to be divided between five people - you and the four dc.

That really isn't a lot, is it? You get 0.2% each and I suspect that you have been parenting your dc pretty much solo all these years.

You need to find out who you are. Your children are either fully-grown adults or mid-late teens. They are not children and they do not need you in the way they used to.