Struggling with sexuality

[LucyL93]

I’m really struggling and feel like I’m in such a mess.
I’m in my early 30s and I am questioning whether I am a lesbian, bi or maybe still straight but in a phase. I only ever had one LTR with a guy but I have dated a lot of me and nothings every really felt right, quite forced on my part and I’ve been quite quick to cut things off. I thought there was something wrong with me, like avoidant attachment or childhood trauma or being asexual/aromantic.
The last couple of years I have become really demoralised with dating and I’ve had some traumatic experiences with men. I was also really burnt out at work. In February this year I changed jobs and suddenly had the thought to switch my preferences on the dating apps to men and women as opposed to only men.
I matched with a few women chatted and went on a date with one but didn’t feel anything really for her. I saw a profile of a woman and it was love at first site for me. We met and it’s been 3 months. We have recently got into a relationship. I’m quite insecure anyway and she is quite a bit older and a seasoned lesbian. I thought she would get bored of me in no time but she hasn’t yet. If anything she has been the one moving the relationship forward and I’ve been a bit more wanting to take things slow.
I’m really falling for her but I haven’t told any of my friends about her and I’ve met some of her friends. I feel so bad but I’m not ready. When we go out we don’t hide that we are together (hold hands etc) so it’s not like a complete secret. She knows this is all new to me, that I’ve not had a girlfriend before and have just been focused on men until quite recently. I’ve told her I identify as bi. But honestly I’m not sure and I can’t even get my head around that. She is a bit bothered that she hasn’t met my friends. I feel awful when my friends ask me if I’m seeing anyone I say no. It’s horrible keeping this a secret. I’m so overwhelmed.
There is another issue that makes me worry about long term capability with her anyway as she uses hard drugs a lot which I don’t like and makes me worry about her.

All these feelings have come out of literally nowhere has made me question everything. Like how can I trust anything? Am I having some sort of crisis or is it a phase?
I’m lucky that I think the majority of my friends and my parents would be okay with me being gay or bi. But I am still terrified to tell them I have a girlfriend.
Some family members would be disappointed (very religious) and that breaks my heart as I don’t really have much family. I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to lose my girlfriend either.
It’s all too soon. I feel like I haven’t accepted it yet? Or maybe I have some internalised homophobia? Or maybe it’s just a phase and I don’t want to blow up my life for someone I don’t see a serious future with? But I can’t stop seeing her I am really falling and so is she.
I feel confused about my identity and what I am. I haven’t figured it out.Part of me is still hoping I’ll meet a man any day now so this problem can go away. As awful as that sounds. I feel so bad for my girlfriend as she is really risking a lot and I don’t want to hurt her.
I havnt told anyone this.
I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been on a similar journey and able to advise. I hope these feelings pass in time.

I think to know if you identify as straight / gay / bi it’s as simple as does looking at that particular gender give you the fanny gallops or not. If yes, great, you know. It’s that simple OP.

I can’t help with the rest I’m afraid ❤️

Maybe you don’t need to identify as anything particularly. The difficulties you’re experiencing sound mostly about how other people will react, and what sort of label you think you should wear.
For many people sexuality can be fluid, although you do seem to be saying that you’ve never really been attracted to men.
Do you need to call yourself bi, gay or anything else and who does this matter to? Obviously what your family does and says could be hurtful but you’re the one that matters here and it’s really not their business.
The mention of hard drugs is much more of a concern as it’s extremely difficult and often damaging to try to be in a relationship with someone with major addiction.

what do you mean by hard drugs?
Popping pills occasionally on a night out or taking coke is very different to dating a heroin addict!

why is she 'really risking a lot?'
You've only been dating 3 months! She's already out so from her POV she's just been casually dating a woman, exactly like any other relationship she's had in the past, so I don't get what she's risking, exactly? You haven't said she's broken up with someone else to be with you, or is moving in with you or anything that suggests she's really losing anything other than potentially not being free to date someone else for a short period of time.

I appreciate you both really like each other but realistically this is very new. I don't think you need to feel guilty about not introducing her to your entire friends and family immediately. If you'd been seeing a man for 12 weeks you might have mentioned him to people (but equally might not have), but surely you wouldn't have introduced him to everyone yet.

Perhaps start saying 'I've been seeing someone but it's very early doors so I don't want to jinx it yet,' or something if you feel bad outright saying you're not dating anyone. Perhaps try telling one friend or family member you either trust not to tell anyone else, or who isn't linked to the rest of your circle (like a work colleague or someone who isn't part of your 'main' friendship group).

However this is all dependent on the drugs thing. Again if you're talking anything injectable I really think you need to be questioning whether this really is a relationship you even want to be committing yourself to long term.

I think it’s fair to say if you’re falling in love with a woman and enjoying sexual experiences with her that you’re attracted to women. Whether or not that makes you bi or a lesbian or whatever doesn’t really matter beyond that, they’re just labels.

Introducing a same sex partner to your close friends and family for the first time is incredibly daunting, you’re not being silly to be scared! I would advise making sure this relationship is definitely what you want (the drugs thing concerns me!) and, if so, just waiting until you’re ready and doing it however feels most comfortable to you

I believe that sexual preferences are on a spectrum, so it's ok to not quite know how to define yourself. You don't have to put a label on your preference (at least right now), can just say that you are in a relationship with a woman.
The fact that she's into hard drugs would be a red flag for me and you are right to be worried. I'd advise you caution on that.

Does it really matter what you identify as? So long as whatever relationship you're in, you are happy?
But as you are so concerned, maybe counselling would help.

I have a friend who was married to a bloke, they split up and now she’s in a relationship with a woman. I don’t know if she identifies as bi or as a lesbian and to be honest, it doesn’t matter to me. What’s important is she seems happy with her new partner!
It’s great that you’re enjoying exploring this side of your sexuality but there are two red flags in your post - definitely the drugs thing but also how she’s pushing things forward at a pace you’re not comfortable with. I think you’re almost ignoring your own feelings for fear of being homophobic, but how would you feel if a bloke was doing this? When I met my DP, he was very enthusiastic and I had to tell him to ease up a bit; my marriage was toxic and I wasn’t comfortable with too much too soon. He listened and said we could go at whatever pace made me happy. Still together 2 1/2 years later. These uncomfortable feelings should not be ignored!