I've held off posting because this situation is outing but I'm going round in circles.
It's long - sorry - but I need the hive mind and some guidance.
Been married for 6 years, little boy aged 1.5. DH works in the agricultural sector, self employed, some of his own land, some of his own stock.
Our marriage has been rocky for a long time (even though it's only been 4 years!) and there have been instances when I felt he has behaved terribly, and I can't let go of these events - mainly because they've happened more than once.
We were out at a party and he drank far too much, got himself into a fight and when his friends tried to intervene, turned on them and kept his aggression up for hours. It was awful and we had to threaten to call the police to get him to go away. I managed to write it off at the time to stress. But I had hoped he'd knock the drinking on the head, and make amends with his friends. Which he didn't, they just stopped seeing him (and rightly so).
Second time we were arguing and he decided to throw me out, I was pregnant at the time, and he crossed a boundary with me. So I paled a bag and made to get into the car to leave. But he'd hidden my keys and so I couldn't. I spent the night in the spare room and in the morning he talked me round to staying.
Our boy was born in 2023 and I think the pressure of the farm and the baby weighed on him, he continued to drink, hide it from me and wasn't around a lot when I needed him in the early days. I remember he'd gone to the shops to get snacks when I was being induced, was gone for ages and when he came back he'd clearly been drinking and was belligerent to the nurses.
Our housing situation at the time was really unsuitable and I really struggled with this with a small baby. During this time he did many things that I struggled to understand, his hygiene was awful, he refused to wash or change his clothes, or even wash his hands, for days on end. He was out all the time leaving me to look after our precious baby alone.
Into the winter of 2024 things really deteriorated and he experienced a breakdown, mental health services were involved, they considered admission but we decided to try to keep him at home.
I did my best to support him and continue to look after our son.
Earlier this year, he was still unwell, still drinking in spite of the nurses and doctors advising against it. It was chaos and I felt myself slipping, feeling low, trapped in the situation and struggling to find the strength to carry on.
His poor behaviour towards me escalated and became verbally aggressive and physically threatening. I called the police one evening after yet another angry outburst and he was arrested.
I made a statement, and he was released on bail. My little boy and I have moved in with family and I haven't seen him since.
He has been able to see DS throughout, initially supervised but after social services assessed he's been cleared for unsupervised contact. They see each other 3 days a week and no overnights.
I'm looking into purchasing a house locally to continue to ensure they can have a meaningful relationship.
My husband has instructed a solicitor, he is pushing for 50/50 contact.
Prior to me leaving, I had financially supported DH frequently and only just have enough left to buy a small house with help from my parents. Houses are super expensive down here!
I don't have any spare money for solicitors, I don't think I'm eligible for legal aid as I have savings in the form of the house deposit.
I've tried calling rights of women for some legal guidance, but their phone lines are always engaged.
I don't think DH having DS overnight at such a young age is appropriate, he has already been through so much unrest and upset. According to professionals DH is now well and stable, they have 'signed him off' from social service's perspective.
DS and I bedshare, he still breastfeeds, I'm the only thing that's been constant in his little life so far. And what a mess I've made of it. I'm not saying no to 50/50 forever - I'm even moving nearby to make sure he can see his dad regularly - but not yet. I don't think he's ready.
What should I do? Jeopardise the house to fight back via a solicitor? Encourage mediation? Counselling? Nothing?
Any guidance would be great. Any shared experience would be amazing.
Now I've written it out and read it all back I know I can never go back there, I would never feel safe again and worry about it happening again, or worse. But apparently he's okay to see our son.
The police investigation is ongoing, no one is getting back to me on timelines even though I've called and rang them. I don't fully understand what the outcome will be of my statement.