Normal Lies or Walter Mitty

[juliette2010]

I have just found out my ex partner (not married) cheated on me and a whole other revelations have come to light which have floored me.
I get people lie and cheat but now wonder if I was with some sort of fantasist? So if you found out these things would you think someone was a total fantasist or just telling these lies to try to impress you;

1. They had sold a business which had a turnover of nearly a million a year (there is no evidence of this having now looked into it further but believed it at the time)
2. They had lived in another country for work (just a made up story I now think)
3. They owned their house and planned to sell it to come and live by you. Even saying they couldn't see you because they had estate agents coming to value the property. (turns out they rent it and are in debt)

Obviously now realise lots of lies told as a result of their cheating. I have now seen he is on a dating site but suspect he is still in a relationship with the person he cheated with me on. I am totally shell shocked as this person presented themselves as totally trustworthy and honourable but now I am shocked to see how dishonest they are in so many ways. I wonder how you can trust anybody. I know he isn't my problem anymore but I just wondered if you see this as sort of fantasist lying or to try to impress me type lying or just bog standard lying?

There's no such thing as "normal lies", other than the odd white lie, and you seem very breezy saying "I get that people lie and cheat but...".

The reason I say this is because maybe you need to have higher expectations, to lessen the odds of having your time wasted by a compulsive liar like your ex. Don't tolerate lies or make excuses like "he was just trying to impress me". Don't normalise it.

Where on earth did you even meet him? Didnt the locals tell you about him?

thank you, not trying to normalise it but just wondering if i am over reacting with how shocked i am that all these things he had said (and many more) are not true but at the time i believed him and never questioned his integrity believing him to be an amazing man and now my mind is blown.

It’s not normal to lie like that. But I think I would see through those lies in a heartbeat. No photos of his time abroad? Presumably the business had premises? I’d have enquired about them when we first got together. If the business was in electrics for example, presumably he was very knowledgeable about this? I’d be having a nose on companies house to suss out the business, I’d look up how much he paid for his house. Maybe I’m inquisitive or just a nosey bitch but these sorts of lies (My business turns over £1mill) are easy to disprove in about 15 mins in a smartphone.

You should be shocked. His behaviour is shocking. The thing to aim for is not being surprised.

E.g. he "presented himself as totally trustworthy and honourable" - what did that look like? Was is shown by his words (what he said about himself), or by his actions? Sounds like he was hell-bent on giving you a certain impression of himself - because he knew it wasn't actually true.

E.g. He bragged about his million-pound business - bragging in general is suspicious; secure and genuinely successful people tend not to do that. If something sounds too good to be true, don't just take their word for it.

In general - judge someone's integrity by what you see of their behaviour, and never by what they tell you about themselves "I'm so honest, I make a million pounds a year, etc" People like that make me squirm, thankfully.

yes you are absolutely right, I feel like a complete fool.
It was looking at companies house that i realised he had a business for 1 year not 7 and no turnover just money he put into it that he presumably spent. I feel sorry for his ex wife as i think it may have been her money with hindsight that he started his 'business' with. And his house was a giveaway too if i hadn't been so stupid and blind. I am such a stupid stupid idiot.
Not that i wanted his money but being lied to like this with it unsurprisingly culminating in him cheating seems so obvious now I really need to learn my lesson from this.

He was not braggy at all the opposite very understated and could never have looked after me better in every way if he tried.
I honestly thought he was amazing and he presented as someone who loved and cared about me 100%
I believed everything he said about everything - what i have now discovered is what I can't believe. He came across as such a great man, acted like he adored me.
It has shocked me all the things that I have now found out.
I just don't understand why someone would tell all those lies they will come out eventually (like when you are about to buy a house and instead you dump your girlfriend and she finds out you have also been cheating😡)

There are guys like this. Some are documented con men who use women for money. Shimon Hayut, Hamish Maclaren, Cieran McNamara, Derek Alldred, , Jonathon Price…and there will be more….they’re there on the internet, after scamming women and they’re just some that got caught, some after decades. There are lots of lesser conmen, fantasists, narcissists who lie about everything to get what they want from whoever they want it. They can be very plausible and because they can be charming and often can appear to have the means to live that lie for long enough to be convincing, they trick successfully. Some just want a second family . Some want to con savings out of their victims. Some just trap women into thinking they found Mr Right till the mask comes off and they’re tied to an abuser. …an abuser often with a harem.

I think I remember the estate agent bit, have you posted before?

Exactly. It's as if a lot of these posters don't communicate at all with these partners.

No never posted before
feel like a total idiot.
I can see now I was just far tok trusting but he was so plausible.
wouldnt mind seeing the other post about estate agent might try to search for it. Was it on relationships can you remember?

I think pple are being a bit harsh - the reason why con artists are successful is because they’re extremely skilled & effective at lying and not arousing suspicion - or the reason why scams happen. I think blaming yourself is a bit unfair on you bcos so may rational, intelligent, capable women have been tricked or duped by people (men) & they feel as you must do, horrified & ashamed that they did not question or see through the other person’s facade. Psychopaths, narcissists may be extreme ends of the spectrum but you can come across them in any walk of life. I think it’s easy to say in hindsight x was really obvious bcos it’s always easy with the benefit of knowledge & more information about something to make objective decisions. Liars are manipulators of people & their emotions. They abuse your trust, your faith in them & exploit your vulnerability in that respect because you’re going to view & tend to view them in a favourable light if you’re in a relationship with them. I think all you can do is learn from it & ensure you take obvious precautions - but how can anyone protect themselves from being with a cheater? Apart from the obvious steps nobody can predict the future or the way another person will act. And if you’re older (relatively) when you meet someone, or post divorce or after a certain amount of time, you’re going to have more life experience & history - that is impossible to truly trawled through, verify & question. Easier if you have similar backgrounds & did the same kind of things in life. But that’s maybe quite rare? And even then pple can & do lie.