Feel like I’m going insane

[Stressed13]

Hi,
please bare with me on this as it’s a long one that I will try and cut down. But I’m stuck at a crossroads and feel like I’m going insane.

My husband and I have been together for well over a decade, he’s always been hard work at times. 3 years ago he had an accident which left him with life changing injuries and I now care for him (although he can live an independent life, he chooses not too).
we have two beautiful children. Now here’s the issue since the accident he become very verbally abusive, name calling constantly, threatening suicide etc… I can understand his frustrations at how his life has changed but even in the middle of his care routines he would be calling me names. A year after his accident I suddenly lost my sister and it destroyed me the grief I felt (still feel) is horrendous… now here’s the thing, the verbal abuse ramped up… he threw things on occasions. I withdrew mentally, sexually, emotionally but was still taking care of his every need.

January this year I left for a short period as I needed to find myself again. We promised to be honest with each other and communicate our feelings more and made a promise to the children that life would be better.
Two weeks later I get a message from an adult worker, saying that she had been seeing my husband since September last year and that when I left they had started a formal relationship (I was gone for 6 weeks) that he had paid her thousands to stop working and she believed she was getting engaged.
he has not denied any of it, I should of left there and then but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt the children again.
I feel utterly betrayed. Yes I had withdrew sexually but the lies he told me as to where he was and then came home and having me care for him (doing everything for him) has rocked me to the core and makes me feel physically sick that he’s touched me after this.
He now thinks because he’s promised me it will never happen again that I should be ok, he wants kisses, cuddles, to be intimate (all the things he needs to not feel bad).
I honestly don’t know where to go from here… I hate him so much for his behaviour but can’t bare the thought of hurting my children again. He controls all finances so I don’t have a money pot to just leave again.

please give me your honest opinions

You know this situation will never improve, OP. Awful behaviour on his part. You need to leave this man once and for all and build a peaceful and happy life for you and your children.

I know it’s really hard in terms of finances, but it will be ok in the long run. And at least you’ll know he’s not spuffing the family’s money on sex workers. Sending hugs. 💐

I would seek legal advice asap re divorce and from that start proceedings. Your children have likely seen and heard way too much already in their young lives and they absolutely need stability and a responsible parent who will look out for them. Their father cannot give them that but you can and you still have a choice re this man, they do not.

How is it too he has full control of the finances?. You are potentially being financially abused by him in addition to all the other abuse.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here?.

The marriage is over. Pretending otherwise won't change that. You dislike him intensely and you are harming your children by forcing them to live in such a toxic mess. You can't resume intimate relations and he won't accept less so there is no alternative.

I suggest you see a solicitor, work out what your situation will be when you divorce, and check what benefits you will be entitled to.

You and your children deserve some happiness and this is the only way it will happen.

Ugh there's no coming back from any of this, OP. He's awful.

You're not doing anything to the children - he is.

Your children witnessing this dynamic is so damaging, more so than ending the relationship would be I would guess. Please don’t force them to grow up under the same roof as this relationship any longer, teaching them that this as the blueprint for their future relationships.

Apart from anything else, this so-called man is basically a thief - spending "thousands" of family money on another woman!