Before exclusive ,advise needed.

[Maya40]

Hello everyone,I needed advice.My husband and I have been together 9 years and we love each other a lot.i do get some flashbacks though regarding what's happened before we being exclusive 9 years ago.We started to date (we met on Tinder online dating)and my husband wasn't romantic or his intention wasn't clear at all.Our second date he said to me we trying to know each other but I don't want you to fall in to me.Then on our third date he said how many guys have I been with ? Which made me feel uncomfortable and I just didn't answer guestion and continued our conversation with something else.On our forth date we had sex and after that he asked me why I wouldn't get married or have a kid or stay at home and not work?He said he doesn't plan to get married ever ,that's why asking me those questions .But all those guestions made me feel upset and angry.Early morning I was in my car and those all made me upset and I just cried and to ease that feeling I thought I will ghost him and will continue to go online dating.So I didn't hear or heard from him for a week and I started back online and had one night stand.I know it's bad .I don't know why I did it and still today I regret that.But it's happened.Anyway long story short ,my husband texted me after a week and I decided to meet him and we started to date but this time he was nice and polite.So we continued and last year we got married.We have been together now 9years and we love each other a lot.But this flashback keep coming and I can't tell my husband as he will never forgive me....I don't know how to get rid of that guilt.....

I don't understand what you feel guilty about? You were single and free to sleep with whomever you wished.

Are you happy with your husband?

He doesn't sound very nice at all actually. I certainly wouldn't mention the one night stand and in your situation I would've had more than one!

A) don't tell your husband, it's none of his business
b) you didn't do anything wrong, don't feel guilty
c) if your husband would be angry about this you have big problems in your relationship which is probably where the guilty feeling comes from - it's probably fear rather than guilt

My goodness you did nothing wrong. You were not exclusive with him at the time. Where did you get these double standard cultural messages? You need to get rid of them. You do know a man would never worry about having done what you did. In fact some men lead double lives and have double families. What’s more troubling is his interrogation of you at the time, trying to figure out what exactly? If you wanted to be married and stay home with kids and “not work?” Raising kids is work. Demanding work. Something seems off to me about him, like some underlying misogynist views. I’d be having further discussions about his views on women and making sure he’s good enough for you. He seems the type to blame women and get angry.

You didn't do anything wrong! If your husband slept with another woman during the same period, do you think he'd be mentally 'beating himself up' over it? Do you think he'd feel guilty? NO! He wouldn't have done anything wrong, no more than you have. He wouldn't be still thinking about it 9 years later. You need to move on from it and for God's sake, don't bloody tell him!! It's non of his business and it will open a can of worms for absolutely no reason. Telling him will bring you nothing but problems.

Stop judging yourself. You know he would not like it if he knew. But don’t tell him. It’s none of his business and he was being intrusive and rude with all his questioning, and refused to commit to a relationship despite having slept with, so you ignored him and went on another date. The fact it was a one night stand it’s neither here or there. The date with your husband was practically a one night stand.

Thank you so much for all your responds.I am really happy with my husband now.He is not the same man as in our early dating times.He is very protective and nice person now.A bit impatient,but all ok.I presume he had a trusting issues previously on dating times,as he mentioned before his ex gf previously cheated on him .He never wanted to get marry but last year he proposed and we got married.We both happy now.Just that flashback keep coming to me and I need somehow to push that flashback away from me.Thank you so so much for all your responds really.Really appreciate your views.

My husband English and I am Turkish by the way.Again thanks everybody for the responds.Its really reassuring and somehow calms me.

It sounds like he was keeping his options open at the time. You don’t need to feel guilty about doing the same thing. Did he ever apologise for how blunt and uncaring he was in the beginning?

FWIW my DP was similar. Flip-flopping back and forth about whether he even wanted a relationship. Now he’s the insecure and needy one and its hard to let thar feeling go tbh, when I felt annoyed at him for his mixed messages. Now he wants commitment and reassurance but I can’t let go of how things were in the early days so I find it hard to tell him what he wants to hear.

These men want it both ways, they want you to be into them, while they hold back. When you play them at their own game they don’t like it, hence him coming back to you when you moved on without him.

It’s a case of “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” so you don’t have to feel bad about it. Put it out of your mind - that version of him didn’t want or deserve you, so you owe him nothing. If he came back a better man, having realised what he’d lost, then good. But before that, doesn’t matter.

BTW - him asking how many men you’ve been with, thats none of his business. Not then. Not now.

SnowflakeSmasher86-thank you so much for your reply.You right.It was a battle on the beginning.But after 6 months of dating he gone softer and now he is really a good man.I do agree with you ,it's like a game on the beginning for them.I felt like he didn't want a commitment but also as soon as I ghosted him ,after 10 days approximately he chased back and reached to me and I did give us a chance and continued dating without telling him what's happened between.I was hurt to be honest.But I am glad I did give us a chance and turned something beautiful.Even though I never imagined he would ever wanted to marry because he always used to say he never see the point of marriage as it's all just papers.But happy that he did propose last year.