Is my boyfriend normal or is this controlling?

[Smh1990]

I’ll try stick to facts this is more to do with days out with our baby (11 months) but been happening the whole time.

when we go on days out as a “family” we e start the day by me trying to get ready but also the one that gets baby ready and dressed and the baby bag ready and god forbid I forget something like the babies lunch spoon or baby wipes because that always gets me a negative reaction from my partner too. despite the fact all he does is get himself ready to go in the morning and boil the kettle for the babies flask.

Anyway when we go out these are things that piss me off

1. He is in charge of pushing babies pram

2. he is the only one that gets to carry baby

3. when he carries baby I have to push the empty pram

4. if I ask to carry baby when he’s moaning about his back etc he says “no he’s too heavy for you” then puts him back in the pram and continues to push him.

5. the one day he let me push the pram after we argued I never get to do it he then moaned he felt strange not pushing the pram and when I said “ok you push him then” he said “No no you wanted too do it I’m not having you moan later I took over”

6. because he always has baby in his arms I have to get babies food ready to eat, get babies nappies and wipes ready for toilet change, pass this pass that, get a baby chair, go to the bar and ask for things etc

7. he feeds baby if people are watching, I feed baby when he can’t be arsed.

8. he always has alcohol with meals when we eat out maybe 3/4 pints which is enough to then make him tired and become a bit distant. I am then allowed to drive as driving on days out is “the man’s job” and I never get to drive. When I do he criticises my driving.

9. he always says “doesn’t he need more sun lotion” or “do you think he needs his jacket on it’s a bit cold” BUT it’s never him just making ten decision and taking action is always a comment that means yes he does need those things why haven’t I done them yet like I’m the one that is in charge of that stuff.

10. no matter how much effort I take to dress nice for our days out he never tells me I look nice or holds my hand or kisses me etc I just get treated like the slave to him and his sons days out.

11. he ran into me with the pram by accident into my ankle then I heard him mumbling like I was in his way despite the fact he hurt me and he turned it into me. I asked what he said and he said “I didn’t say anything”

12. when I suggest something with baby he says “he’s too young to do that” or “he doesn’t like that”

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells every time we go out. I feel nervous like I don’t want to piss him off but l also feel like I’m trying so hard to make him happy and be nice to me so I try not to be negative on the actual outings. I’ve cried so much tonight from how down I feel and how lonely. I’ve approached these issues with him before and it’s always thrown back in my face and excuses then nothing changes.

1. baby is too heavy for you to carry I can’t enjoy myself if I’m worried you’re struggling

2. I feed and change baby because I thought you wanted a break

3. I push baby because I don’t get to spend as much time with him as you

4. I’m the man I feel like I can protect baby in a public better than you

I don’t hate my life as my baby is my world but I do hate days out they make me feel so low and fragile,

Dear god! This man brings nothing but misery to your life. Get away from him safely and start a new better life. So sorry. 💐

He sounds like an absolute prick

No this isn’t normal in any way shape nor form. You can’t live your life walking on eggshells around a partner, you’ll start to fold little by little as your confidence is whittled away. This sort of control starts small, increases gradually and then before you realise it, Iits total. Normal, acceptable heck no!!

He sounds like an utter show pony on days out, pushing the pram, carrying the little one, who he thinks he’s impressing heaven only knows! Whilst at home he’s his true self. What an exhibitionist. Controlling - yes.

I feel like on paper besides the 3/4 pints with lunch the rest could sound like a keen/protective dad who's keen to have the weekend with the baby and help you out. The help may be a bit lacking with not sorting out the bag and baby, but as a SAHM I get these things ready at the weekend 95% of the time too. As I know what's already in the bag and am used to being more hands on with the baby.

However the fact you feel that you are treading on eggshells is bad and if you are keen to carry the baby he should not actually refuse to let you. Do you genuinely find it quite hard to carry him?

If you feel you're able to ask any of your friends or family for an opinion they'll be able to give you insight from knowing/seeing him in real life. It's here to tell the difference between keen/trying to be chivalrous and being a dick. His reasonings sound like they could be innocent but it's all about the tone and if you ask you push he should not be grunoy or possessive

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells every time we go out.

This should tell you all you need to know. This isn’t a normal feeling experienced when you’re with someone who loves, values and respects you.

Hi Thanks for you answer. I understand that this post could come across either way especially as people don’t know us personally. I guess that’s why I wanted to ask this community as I wanted an unbiased opinion just on how actions in general. The reason I feel like I’m walking on eggshells is because his tone is very off he’s adamant he should be doing those things. It’s not a “no you have a break I’ll do these things” it’s quite snappy and demanding to the point he has pulled the pram away from me when I went to push it. I don’t feel like a mum in public with him I just feel like a random woman hanging out with a man and his baby.

if I mentioned it in public or at the time he is quite snappy then blames being tired from work but I also work 3 days a week I do night feeds and I look after baby full time the 4 days I’m off work almost like a stay at home mum scenario half the week. He then comes home
and asks what’s for dinner like I’ve not been busy all day and I wish he would do as much at home as he does when he’s in a public to be honest.

He's an arsehole

He’s controlling and sadly it’s widely recognised that domestic abuse can start or increase following a pregnancy and that abuse escalates over time. I’d therefore be worried that things will continue to get worse. I’d recommend you have a look at this graphic and think about if there’s any other behaviours outside of days out that you may not have recognised as abusive.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

You and he should no longer be together. I’ve seen his type out in public and I’ve always felt sorry for the woman because she is so downtrodden by him. He’s a one trick show pony.

Do not make life with him the cornerstone of your kid’s childhood either. You have a choice re him and your child does not.

Why have you reproduced with this cretin??? Seriously though you need to get away and quickly

IIRC you’ve written about him re fab swingers. Yet another reason to rid yourself of him if so,

He sounds vile. You'd be better off as a single parent.

Not normal. If you're walking on eggshells then you need to leave.

My heart breaks for you reading this post op.
This should be one of the happiest times of your lives with your baby and instead you are walking on eggshells.

No this is not right or normal! Your bf should be helping you, not making outings stressful!

Your bf sounds very controlling, ridiculously immature and is a bully with a very big ego.

And that’s how he behaves in public!

What is his behaviour like at home?

Are you drinking on family days out? Does he drink much at home?

Are the days out the same as the days at home, I.e. constant critique and lording it over you?

If yes then just leave him. It gets worse, he doesn’t respect you as a person. You’re just a resource to be extracted from.

You can already see that you are an anxious and stressed person around him. Spouses are supposed to make us feel better about ourselves, not worse.

if you look at the answers he gives to your issues they are all a version of :suck it up. There is no acknowledgement of your feelings, no attempt at finding a solution that works for both of you, it’s just that he doesn’t care how it makes you feel, and suck it up.

If you are going to stay with him, there are things you can do about your family days out. Tell him before you set off that you don’t accept his excuses for how he behaves when you are out together. That you will be sharing what is done with your baby equally. I’m guessing that won’t happen because you walk on eggshells around him which sadly means you are scared of him. And that is why you should end your relationship.

The only other thing I can think of is to not go on the days out. Let him take your child on his own and be responsible for all the care whether people are watching or not. You will miss out on nice family days out, but you don’t get them anyway.

If you know he would not actually care for your child if he has him on his own, I guess you are going to have to put up with how he treats you and hope it doesn’t get worse because, I suppose, in that case leaving him would mean him having sole care of your child on a much more regular basis. I do sympathise, but you may well be stuck with him for some time. Don’t have any more children with him. It will just make that time longer.

Come on! He's an abusive, gaslighting, 'performance parenting when other people are looking' arsehole who is cheating on you according to your previous post.

You need to get rid of him and you will be so much happier. Being on your own will be so much better than being with this abusive dickhead.

That’s abusive behaviour.

Is there any way OP could get rid of him without having to hand her child over to his patchy care EOW?

It seems in UK a parent’s right to have exclusive time with their child is a given regardless of the level of care they provide when the child is with them. How do mums deal with that?

I'm sorry OP, but there isn't equality in your relationship. It's very patriarchal. And that's exactly how he'll want it. I couldn't live like that personally. But your child is young. If I were you I would take the next few years to do therapy, do the Freedom Program, sort out my financial future and just get ready to get out of this relationship. Don't have any more children with him. Honestly it sounds like something out of the 1950's. Also you have to consider that it is our duty as moms to stamp out inequality in the next generation as best we can (it's not these types of fathers that will do it). Therefore you need to get yourself ready however long it takes to live an independent life where no one is the boss of you. And your daughter will follow your example and learn to never be treated like that and if you have a son he would hopefully learn better too.

Not normal. He sounds like a controlling prick.

Jesus. Not normal at all. Insanely controlling. I think you need to get out of this relationship, it won’t get better.

He sounds, at best, very unpleasant. Why would you condemn yourself, and your child, to a lifetime of living with such a person?

At the very least, he sounds as if he’s a performance parent and wants people to think what a great guy he is. Is he good with the baby behind closed doors?
You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells though. That’s seriously not on.
Oh and if he comes in from work and asks what’s for dinner, I’d say, ‘No idea. Whatever you’re cooking’.