Such a horrid mess

[Bigblackphone]

I was in a 5 year relationship with a man I loved very much and although it was long distance we were making steps to move in as I thought he was very much in love too. Unfortunately, his business failed in November/December and he had to seek employment.
For disclosure he lives with schizophrenia and he got very very drunk one night in December and whilst he started off loving and asking me to be his wife, he ended the night in an episode where he shouted at me, told me I moaned all the time and a few other things. Then he passed out. He was apologetic the next morning and we forgot about it.
He found a job and I was delighted for him but maybe not as enthusiastic as I could have been as I had my own money worries. His job start date made it that we had to change some plans and there was an argument.
After that he started taking 'evening work'. This evening work got more frequent and by March I found he was seeing someone else. Stupidly I didn't end it and we kept working. Unfortunately, a month later it was found he was still seeing her. He blocked her but four days later he broke up with me. I was devastated and begged for another chance.
The day after we broke up he said we could try again and work toward getting back together. Things became more normal but he had to have 'space' Friday nights. There were more agruments about me being paranoid and needy, because there were more times I found or suspected he was seeing her. His excuse was we broke up.
One time he told me he was going to bed at 6pm. I found he'd been out with her but he swore blind they were just mates.
I wanted to see him on his birthday and he said no. I accused him again of spending it with her and again he denied it. So the weekend of his birthday came and he was as usual of late for weekend in sporadic in contact, he told me he had a gum abscess and then was getting drunk with his dad and uncle. By late evening Sunday on his birthday I got a text to say he loved me very much.
Unfortunately, despite him forcing me to block this other girl, a friend found pictures of them both in a hot tub having a weekend away. I was devastated, shaking and so upset.
I contacted the affair partner with screenshots, she replied, "haha don't believe you." He text me "Fuck you" he wouldn't answer my frantic calls and then I called her. She rang back and seemed a bit confused. He blocked me and text me to leave them alone and never contact them again. She text me to tell me she'd call me the next day but she would be staying with him. She later blocked me and never called.
He has blocked most ways of me contacting him. I don't dare go to his house. I feel sick, shaky, blindsided, humiliated and completely bereft. He promised me we would be going on our pre booked holiday in a few weeks. How could he lie to me like this? What on earth were his reasons for keeping me dangling when he could have just said, yes, I want her and I would have had to go. I honestly thought we had the chance to get back together when he had zero intentions of doing so. Now I'm left with a cc bill, his bloody guitar and a broken heart. How on earth do I begin to ever heal. I was egged on by my friend to contact the woman. I shouldn't have but I was desperate for an answer either way after 14 weeks of hell.
Sorry it's so long. 😭

So today's update is that he has reactivated facebook and they are in a relationship from January. Very clearly signposted to the date in the comments. Wow.

Don’t let a man who treated you like dirt become an obsession.

You have to be strong now and block him on everything and stop torturing yourself.

He's now every on block device I own. I will no way go near him. He's used classic DARVO techniques on me. I feel like I'm walking out of a horror show. He's started haunting my dreams now but that's healong, right?

Yes, dreams/nightmares, I believe, is your subconscious dealing with things you’re finding painful whilst awake.

This too shall pass and you’ll be all the more stronger for it.

Please prioritise self esteem work, complete the freedom programme and block him on everything. You can’t move forwards while you’re obsessing over whether he’ll contact you, his social media updates etc.

Therapy. I mean this kindly but you need to be in therapy so you don’t repeat this pattern.

Op I’m so sorry that you have been deceived by this awful man. It sounds like he targeted you for money and other reasons? Sometimes men behave like this just because they can. They take pleasure in the deception and control. He is utterly toxic.

Block him everywhere and step away from any association with him in every way possible; in your mind, your emotions, on social media, and never physically meet him again. Does he have a door key to your house? If so, change the locks immediately.

He is dangerous in that he is a good manipulator and plays with women’s emotions in an utterly callous way. He is doing the same right now to this other woman so please do not envy her! You have escaped his clutches and in time you will come to see that that is a very good thing.

How much debt did he build up on your credit card op? How much have you been left to pay?

Be careful because he might try and get back in touch with you when he is short of money again.

Is there any chance you could sell his guitar to pay some of the debt off?

As an older woman with young adult daughters, your opening post really distressed me but this in particular;

“This evening work got more frequent and by March I found he was seeing someone else. Stupidly I didn't end it and we kept working. Unfortunately, a month later it was found he was still seeing her. He blocked her but four days later he broke up with me. I was devastated and begged for another chance.
The day after we broke up he said we could try again and work toward getting back together. Things became more normal but he had to have 'space' Friday nights.”

So within that one paragraph he deceived you so many times and each time you forgave him and wanted him back? This made me want to shout at the screen and feel so distressed for you all at the same time!

I know you now know that you should have kicked him to the kerb in March, or before that, but why are you accepting such poor standards for yourself?

What were the male role models in your life doing that made you feel so unworthy of love and respect and decent treatment? 😪😘

Please, please op, if you were my daughter I would ask you to stand in front of the bathroom mirror and repeat the words;

”I will NOT enter in to another relationship until I have worked on myself, attended therapy, started to love and respect myself, and feel that I am worthy of love and respect by someone else, and I will not accept any invitations from men who drink, have mh problems, or money problems.”

Reading between the lines, you sound like a lovely, caring supportive person and people take advantage of that. You do realise that this malicious man probably wound you in with tales of his schizophrenia. It all sounds very calculated to me,

Op please take care of yourself and protect your boundaries. You deserve so much better. It’s far better to live alone on your own terms than lower your standards 💐

I very much doubt I will ever have any contact from him now given the lengths he has done to ensure that on first glance to the majority of people he never even had a relationship with me, let alone cheated. I am so very confused. He was happy to share my bed wasn't he?

I also now wonder if he lied about the schizophrenia too. I was never allowed to have our photos up, I was never allowed to show I was in a relationship with him on social media. He said it was due to his band. I really don't understand why he targetted me.

My dad liked him. I've only got my parents, but for a long while he made me cut my parents off due to a family member's drinking problem.

I didn't get rid of him in March due to what he was telling me and it was so slowly that I realised his words weren't matching his actions. He must have told so many lies about me to lots of people for him to have done what he did to me. I feel like I can't even stand up for myself against the weight of them all.

It will be a very long time before I go near another man.

Please complete the freedom programme. When you have a better understanding of domestic abuse you’ll be far better placed to protect yourself from abuse in future relationships.

Any man who wants women fighting over him isn't worth fighting for. Period

I’m really sorry op. He sounds like a master manipulator, persuasive, treacherous and calculating. It’s horribly hurtful when you realise that they are only out for themselves.

Please try and go away somewhere peaceful. Just a few days. Treat yourself if you can. Take a break from everything.

If you have a close family member who drinks then you will have been conditioned to accommodate poor behaviour to a certain extent. You might want to explore that with someone. 💐

I'm going to be honest, I think your problem here is extreme almost problematic gullibility.
The man gave you every single red flag humanly possible, and you saw it as a slalom skiing exercise.
He would never show you publicly, you abandoned your family for him, begged for him back after he cheated, multiple times. You constantly caught him lying and begged for him back.
At a certain point it does become your fault, even this, quite frankly pointless thread pining about him makes no sense, there is nothing to discuss, he needs to be deleted from your life and any thought processes immediately.

A narcissist needs a supply and they don’t care how they get it. He was ice cold, calculating and heartless. Isolating you was always part of the plan so he could control you. He targeted you because he would know you were vulnerable and naive, that’s how they operate. It’s hard for you to take in right now but it was actually nothing personal , they don’t do personal. It’s only about them, everything is about their supply. In time you will feel such a sense of relief that this parasite is out of your life. Stay strong.

He has been blocked and deleted everywhere humanly possible. I was very stupid to believe in him.

Please reread your post trying to envision it was written by someone else. It reeks of desperation. No man is worth this humiliation. Pick yourself up, return his guitar (or destroy it!) and move on. So much better is out there.

Oh dear he has treated you so badly, I’m so sorry you did not deserve this

you need therapy to get to the bottom of why you accepted this level of treatment and did not realise you were shit on his shoe

the schizophrenia really intrigues me

1)at what point in the relationship did he tell you he was diagnosed with this ?

2)why did it not put you off ?

3. what symptoms did he have and what medication or therapy was he under?

btw being a lying cheating cunt is NOT symptoms is schizophrenia

Please sell the guitar to pay for what he owes you

@pimplebum He was open about it from the start, so I knew. His symptoms, he said, were that he felt like he was in a crowded room with lots of people chatting and he claimed to have about 80 or so personalities. Sometimes if very drunk he would talk to people who weren't there. It was only the latter that bothered me because he wasn't violent. Of course I didn't realise he was treating me so poorly because the up times were brilliant.

He's claimed to have had olanzapine but can't have it anymore. When all this first kicked off he claimed to be having a breakdown and went to doctors who prescribed seroquel. I believe that is a brand name of quetiapine so who know if he really did go to the doctors.

He claims to have had a psychotic break as a 15 year old and he was heavily medicated for 9 months. I only have his word for this.

And yes, this is it, schizophrenia isn't about lying and cheating. Notice he wasn't having any such health problems last weekend or indeed whilst publicly discarding me and humiliating me.

It’s good that your anger is coming in OP.

Of course he has 90 different personalities, he treats people like shit and then had the perfect excuse, that Damien took over and treated you badly.
Did he ever tell you, he was a spy? Saving the world! He’s full of shit, you cant guarantee anything he said was the truth, he is a player!

Getting easier now. He gets to do what he wants in his life. I'm still feeling headachey and sad. Sad not due to the loss of him but what I thought he was. He's taunted me online and I now stand to lose £400 due to him not coming on holiday. My dad has taken his guitar and the rest of his things away so there are no reminders.

Take a friend instead

It's a family holiday so I won't be going alone thank goodness.

Why on earth are you bothering with all this. It sounds like incredibly hard work for very little reward. I couldnt be arsed with it.
No relationship should be so much hassle. What fun are you having? None by the looks of it.

If you did a list of pro’s and con’s about your ex, there would be fuck all under the first heading and then you may realise, all you put up with, just to be in a relationship.
Being single, not being lied to or having to check up on anyone, will be bliss. Going on holiday with family, a change of scenery, is just what you need!