Apologies if this is long but I’d really love some impartial advice, long time lurker, infrequent poster. My partner and I are mid fifties have been together 3 years, don’t live together but were planning it for next year. We get on brilliantly, similar personalities, values, outlook, interests etc.
When we first met he told me he had a female friend who was an ex from 4 years before we met,they'd broken up because they became like brother and sister. Both agreed that they got on so well that it would be a shame not to remain friends. I had/have absolutely no problem with this and wouldn’t dream of policing him being friends with someone he’d known for years before we met.
He very rarely mentioned her but after a year I was in his car, and a call came onto speakerphone. I thought her opener was overfamiliar and he was very quick to say “cantpickaname is here, you’re on speaker”. It was clear from that conversation they had spoken earlier that day so I asked how often they were in contact. Eventually, and after a ‘Morning xx’ text popped up from her while I was with him, he said he met her regularly for coffee (and less frequently a meal) and they messaged/spoke to each other every few days but just as friends. No problem with this but he never once mentioned it. I had never had, or asked, to see his phone but I asked if I could see their messages and he had deleted them all, going back years. He said it was because they held private and personal information, eventually admitted some of the conversations would have made me ‘uncomfortable’. I was furious about the secrecy and lies by omission. We broke up for a while but after lots of discussion and promises that he would never lie/keep secrets again we got back on track. He agreed to back away from the friendship and recognised it wasn't healthy and was interfering with our relationship.
Last week (2 years later), he was showing me something on his Facebook and the same woman came up as number one on his shortcuts. I didn’t know what they were but googled it later out of curiosity. Turns out that No 1 in your shortcuts is the person you interact most with on FB. When I next saw him I asked about it, he showed me his phone and the shortcut was gone. He said he had never interacted with her, it was a random algorithm and he couldn’t control facebook. He looked me in the eye and swore he hadn’t deleted her from his shortcuts but when I looked it was there (he obv didn’t know I could find this). Again it's the deception I don't like
I feel about 12 with all of the fb nonsense, and I think I know the answer, but am I overreacting? I’m absolutely devastated over the loss of our potential future together but also think that if I back down again then I am showing him how I’m prepared to be treated. All I keep hearing in my head is “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”. Please help me find clarity!