My mom makes passive aggressive digs and jokes on my expense and it's ruining our relationship. Any advice?

[OneSunshineBee]

I feel tense around my mom because I'm almost waiting for a passive aggressive dig or joke on my expense around her. (With only her laughing). I'm not gonna tolerate this treatment anymore and I've told her this.

Her "excuse" is that she doesn't think before she speaks/is very impulsive and thereby can't help it. Since I know her I know that this is true, she has embarrassed herself with this many times with other people as well and I know she can get upset at herself saying "I say such stupid things sometimes!" etc (even if it's not passive aggressive or a mean joke, she just does not think before opening her mouth...)

I said if you can't help it that's one thing but I'm not gonna brush it off anymore, you are going to have to deal with the consequences (me showing my feelings, me getting sad, mad, her ruining the mood instead of me changing the subject to keep the mood in the group but feeling sad inside ect) and take responsibility for what she says by saying she's sorry etc. I tend to brush it off to not ruin the mood (and to not have her say "it's just a joke" or "your so sensitive" or "I actually don't know what I meant by that" ) which I know I shouldn't but it's hard to handle in the moment and if I get upset she turns it on me being the one that's overreacting which is so incredibly frustrating since it's not true.

I've also asked that she please tell me directly if the is upset about something instead of being passive aggressive. I rather talk about it directly and solve it together than her coming with unexpected digs out of nowhere.

I love her but this ruins our relationship and I absolutely can't stand it anymore. I want to feel relaxed and loved around family, not on edge waiting for a dig. I wish we where closer and I think she does too and I feel this is the one thing that is standing between that.

Any advise? Anyone that dealt with this and managed to turn it around?

I know it's not my responsibility or in my control to change her behaviour but I just wish she wasn't like this since it's hurting our relationship so much.

You should not brush these comments off or ignore them. Instead, just leave a couple of seconds silence and wait for her to apologise. Tell her straight she is cruel or rude. Let her be embarrassed. She should be.
This is entirely HER issue. Not yours, and she needs to fix it.

'That's hurtful / rude / not true, mum'

If she tries to blame you or joke about it say either 'I don't think this is my fault' or 'I don't think it's funny'

If she persists and won't apologise, then stop going to gatherings where she will be, and say why.

You're sucking up feeling bad so she doesn't have to. Time to stop accepting that

You say "Don't ever talk to me like that again", and walk out. Or put the phone down on her if she does it during a call.

You don't live in the same house, do you?

You are right! Thank you for the support really appreciate it!

Thank you! Yes you are so right about me sucking up feeling bad and no I won't accept it anymore!

Every time she does this, just get up and walk out. She is an adult and she could stop this if she wanted to. So far, there have been no negative consequences for her when she does this so she has no real incentive to change.

I'm sure she would hate it if you said mean things to her and laughed about it.

Thank you for the advice and support! No I moved out a few years ago. Moving out made her behaviour way more visible to me since I would feel bad before and after visiting. Hence why I haven't adressed it before.

Thank you for the support! Yes that's exactly correct. She says she likes to tease others that it's her sense of humor but every single time I've tried that so called humor on her (thinking she might find it funny then) she has got upset.

A lot of people use 'teasing' as an excuse for poking fun at someone else's expense (or 'bullying' as I call it). They often say 'I was only joking' or 'You're too sensitive'.

Well it is only a joke if everyone's laughing. And it is certainly no joke if they keep doing it, despite knowing that the other person is upset or offended by it.

Alienate the horrible behaviour. This technique worked on my father, my mother in law led the charge on dealing with it without giving him the chance to feel like a victim. An example being him calling me Miss Piggy when I took a second helping of roast potatoes (everyone took seconds), my wonderful mother in law “you have exactly what you fancy, darling, it’s wonderful to see you enjoying it” whilst everyone completely blanked him even when he repeated it several times. She would also make sure all dishes, wine, coffee went to me first and him last, every single time.
She certainly brought him down a peg or two without any confrontation. Took a few dinners but he got the message that his behaviour was unwelcome and I was dearly valued by them.

Thankfully all a bit more relaxed now but when he occasionally starts again my mother in law is straight onto it. It’s as if he thought scoring points off me made him look good, weird.

What I haven’t expressed brilliantly is, you need an ally so it can’t be brushed off as you being sensitive/touchy. If she does this in front of other people you need the equivalent of my MiL to demonstrate it isn’t on. Someone who will change the subject, compliment you, show your value through gestures. She’ll get the idea, it may be more habit than malice but it’s a habit you can do without!

What a woman! She sounds great. My MIL is lovely, mind, but not perhaps with the diplomatic skills of yours @wheresmyshoe

I aspire to her all round awesomeness @PullTheBricksDown