Would you allow your children a relationship with family members you don't have a relationship with?

[Butterfliesandmagpies]

Hi.

Interested to see what other people's view points are.

I have a sister and we haven't spoken since end of last year. No major fall out but an incident occured that I wasn't really pleased about and just generally how I was being treated, so I distanced myself. (When I say distanced, I just didn't reach out and neither did she and we don't live close to one another so it wasn't hard to do, but it did highlight that if I wasn't making the effort then neither was she). No conversation has been had between us although our mum has conversed about it the topic on both sides.

I have kids and one of which who always really enjoyed my sister's company (whenever she was around which would be periodically throughout the year and on occasions for birthdays and the likes plus we frequently spoke on the phone, every other day, so her presence was still known in our home). To which I always spoke very fondly of her as she is my sister.

The other day in the car my mum had mentioned her and my youngest child said "X doesn't even do anything for me or care about me because she never visits me anymore, I don't like her" 😬 I was a bit taken back and didn't really know how to respond, because, it's true however I didn't want to bash her but I also don't want to leave my children confused.

I feel mostly sad for my children because I'm not sure how to go about explaining the situation and would not have stopped any relationship with them and her but she has not been in touch not even for them, it's looking like we won't have a relationship anymore but I was kind of leaving it incase a conversation did happen (I'm not willing to be the one to reach out because it has always been me and I feel in this scenario she is wrong and to be blunt I'm sick of having to own other people's sh*t, and unless I'm taking the blame for something then I've realised I'm the only one keeping the relationship going).

I have said to my mum, earlier in the year she is more than welcome to come and see the kids whenever she wants (she has never been the kind of aunt that would have taken them out for days out herself or have them over at hers without me so I wouldn't have expected that to change however has always been great with them when she is here or we are there).

I am now at the stage I really resent her for the position my kids are in, I would happily have put differences aside for the kids but I am not willing to be the one to reach out and I'm unsure how else to navigate this. She hasn't reached out to me and to my knowledge via our mum she hasn't tried to arrange anything with her about the kids etc. I don't feel like I should be forcing it arranging things via our mum and have basically now taken it as she isn't bothered about the kids which I will not get over as long as I live (when it comes to the kids if it continues and to be honest alot of time has now passed and I feel like I need to address it with my kids so they don't feel abandoned in a way).

One thing I am not going to do is reach out to her given the context of the disagreement and it highlighting to me years of just horrible energy towards me on her end.

Any other view points on this? For context, she is older than me, no kids, I thought we were close growing up and into adulthood but have been realising over the years that its really just been me dying to have a sister relationship with her and her just not that interested, I think she actually just finds me annoying and just doesn't like me. (Which is fine btw, I've come to terms with that).

But the kids literally have no family as it is and it makes me sad for them especially as my mum and dad get older and one day they won't be here.

TW mentions abuse.

I have a very dysfunctional background and so does DH which is probably part of how we ended up together. I don’t speak to any of my family members nor them to me or my children. There was CSA in my family and then a big cover up carpet sweeping exercise lead by my parents based on them prioritising their family image when it came out which is when the rift happened. I pushed back against this, the other victim of CSA did not so I’m being scapegoated and they participate in the dysfunctional dynamics.

We all react differently to these types of dynamics. My other family member who was abused adamantly sees my parents as victims of the abuser whereas I see them as enabling the abuser (and their own behaviour is abusive too) and my other family member who experienced abuse enables all of that too. These are very different perspectives we are operating and behaving from. I have no regrets pulling my children out although it was incredibly painful at the time. My other family member is happy with their choice too, but I just feel it all perpetuates the family patterns of shifting responsibilities.

DH also has very fraught relationships with his side of the family as his father with whom he now has no contact was a domestic abuser and the dynamics across the family are tricky. There is a lot of enmeshed codependency that goes along with these relationships and then DH has become quite avoidant of the whole dynamic. He thankfully is much less avoidant in our family which is a long way for him to have come.

We have more contact with his side but it is very fraught due to recent issues and long standing patterns of behaviour and we try to keep the children away from what is going on, unsuccessfully sometimes.

There is no one answer to this and you have to balance what you can tolerate with respect to lost relationships with what is healthy for your children (some family relationships just are not healthy) and what you can tolerate with respect to the interpersonal relationship dynamics. It is very difficult.

I think there is a difference between being no contact and just not seeing someone because you aren’t close. Do you see your sister at Christmas at your family home? Would you go to a wedding or a big milestone birthday for someone if you knew she’d be there too?

We are NC with several family members. The first thing to stop was contact with my children. Any cards or presents were returned to sender or went right in the bin. We do not go to family Christmas dinners or family weddings with the children if they are also invited. I actually wouldn’t be bothered seeing one of them from afar at a family wedding, as long as I didn’t have to interact with him in anyway, but he is not allowed any contact with my children for safeguarding reasons, so realistically we couldn’t attend a family wedding and just leave the children home alone.

But other family members, no, way too unhinged. If I ever saw them again, they would create such a chaotic scene that I definitely wouldn’t want my children there and I wouldn’t want to deal with any of that myself.

If there would not be a scene created and there are no safeguarding issues, I think it’s different and sure, would be fine to see them at a family event. Generally though, if someone is not decent enough to be in my life, no way I’m inflicting them on my children. Children need quality not quantity when it comes to family. They need people who are safe and consistent and supportive. If someone isn’t that, they don’t need to be around my kids.

If a person or relative is too difficult/toxic/batshit for YOU to deal with, it's the same deal for the kids too. Not all family members are nice and kind and some of them really fall short. Your sister has never been interested and your mother needs to be told to wind her neck in and stop acting as some go between or flying monkey. She is certainly not helping matters and your parents likely created this particular dynamic now seen between your sister and you.

Why would you want them exposed to this lack of interest from your sister?. Your children need emotionally healthy role models in their lives.

Personally I would just let the whole thing drop. Any comments about your sister just tell your kids that you and she aren’t really close and change the subject. Your kids will forget about her over time.

I would stress to your child that it isn’t a reflection on them why they don’t see your sister, but a reflection of your sisters poor behaviour. You don’t want your child to internalise any negative feelings about themselves or think they weren’t good enough - it’s your sister who is not good enough for them.

Im NC with family. They’ve caused so much stress and pain in my life, they don’t get the opportunity to cause similar stress or pain for my kids. That’s it.

My brother and I had a falling out some years ago due to my mothers triangulation. I have and never would stop him seeing my teenaged son however he never reaches out to him at all. Basically he stopped talking to me and is punishing my son too which is vile but maybe shows the person he is.

I have no relationship with my in-laws. I told my children when they were younger the basic reasons why I have no relationship with them, but I wouldn't stop them seeing them if that's what they wanted to do. As the DC got older, I gave them in-laws address and phone number and if they wanted to see them, they had my blessing. But I warned them to expect X Y and Z and told them the whole story as to why we'd fallen out in the first place. To my knowledge they've never contacted them

Your youngest DC called it - Auntie isn't interested. ( And even if she was, she may (I would) consider it disrespectful, or even downright provocative, to try to keep in touch with the children of a sister she no longer talks to.)

You say in your post that Auntie has never made much of an effort with you, so why would youn expect her to be interested in your DCs?

She treated you sufficiently badly for you to drop your end of the rope. It looks like she has done the same.

Let it go.

I don't have anything to do with my sister largely due to the sibling rivalry that she perpetuated after both parents were dead (had to be chief mourner, make all decisions about the estate despite us all being executors etc.).

Anyway I don't think that would pass down to her relationship with my now adult children so I don't interfere and have never discussed it with them. I would if they asked but only in broad terms. I take the view that you can't have too many people who love you. However if I thought they would be harmed by her being manipulative or competing with them I would interfere.

It's pretty simple. No relationship with the parents, no relationship with the kids.