Dating a separated man

[Roaringrhino]

I am in the early stages of dating a man who has been split up from his ex girlfriend since January. He’s moved out and living with friends and the plan is that he and his ex girlfriend will sell the house.
It’s not on the market yet though and it’s making me feel uneasy. I’ve asked why and his ex was upset about the break up so he wants to give her time to come to terms with it. He also says that even though he instigated the break up and is adamant it’s the right decision, he still feels sad about letting go of the house and essentially forcing her out to live somewhere less nice (she would only be able to afford a flat).
I don’t know if I am being impatient.

Run a mile!!!

Oh, this sounds far too complicated.
if it's easy, it's right

Don’t touch a recently separated man with a ten foot pole - especially one who makes excuses as to why he’s not cutting ties with his ex.

A man who has only come out of a relationship a matter of months ago is generally looking for a rebound, not a long term partner

I agree with @TwistedWonder - he’s waiting for you to offer for him to move in. I’d run a mile.

@Roaringrhino sorry to say but it sounds like he’s still tied to his ex both financially and emotionally. The relationship might be over but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are over each other. If sounds like you started dating this man too soon when he was fresh out of a serious relationship and you will likely end up just being his “stepping stone”.

Just no.

Avoid, unsettled men don’t make good partners.

No. You will regret getting involved.

Avoid, he’s still emotionally connected to her so he’s not available for you. This won’t end well.

How weird. I started off reading this thinking this was my ex because the details match up except I am moving out into a house I own, not a flat.

I’d say my ex is well over me. He wanted up to split up sometime ago but didn’t have the guts to say. So maybe this guy is over her and things will be ok. Maybe he is just being nice in not forcing her out of the house (although my ex is forcing me out of the house so he doesn’t care).

Going against the grain but I can’t see why this is a problem unless you and he were looking to get a house together, which it seems way too soon for. He’s living with friends which seems fine (obviously it would be totally different if he and the ex were both still living there). You have your own place so not sure why you care how quickly he sells up? And it’s nice if he doesn’t want to make life harder for his ex girlfriend, in a way. Someone who treats an ex well is usually a bit of a green flag, surely. But I haven’t been in this situation so maybe I’m being naive!

Do they have children? I don't understand why she needs months to come to terms with a break up. I think he's hoping to get back with her and enjoying dating around meanwhile to keep his options open. I would never advise dating a recently single person because their head is usually isn't in the right place to seriously date and commit again so soon.

It took me a lot longer than this to get over a relationship. Really, I wasn’t ready for anything else serious (though I thought I was), and I doubt if he is. Don’t over invest! He might be a good guy for you but really there’s no way to know just yet, he’ll be carrying his old relationship with him for a good while.

I think he should be focusing on properly ending his existing relationship before embarking on a new one.

Id tell him not to call again until the financials are sorted and he is properly separated

If he has kids you will be painted as “The Other Woman who caused mummy and daddy to split up”.

Even though the split was before you started seeing him.
They will always hate you because they are loyal to their poor dumped mother. Even if she’s a total lying scheming money grabbing lazy bitch.

I speak from experience.

It's too early. Its messy and confusing. Worst case scenario they aren't even broken up and he is just having his cake.

If he is really your ideal guy then say I'll see you in 6 months or so when you've got your life more sorted.

I agree with this.

But... Do you know why they broke up and are you certain that neither is hoping to rekindle and the other is keeping them as a back up option ?

I think women tend to have the months or years of being single and rediscovering themselves but men who like relationships tend to want a new relationship immediately unless they enjoy dating etc

To add, I lived with a guy in my 20s and we had a house together. We split up, relatively amicably, but it took a year to sell the house. He met someone in that time, she got pregnant fairly quickly (both desperate to have kids).
They got married and went on to have two more kids and are still together 18 years on and are happy. So it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not over his ex, OP, or that he’s seeing her as a back up etc. I think it’s pretty nice that your new man is trying to make sure his ex ok. Would you feel better if he was ruthlessly trying to get her out of the house and didn’t care what happened to her (as is happening with me and my horrible ex)? The way they treat their exes is the way they will treat you.

In my experience (divorced, mid 40s) they all have some baggage, it’s unavoidable. It’s how he handles it that’s the teller. I had a horrendous marriage but healed through therapy and was able to start with a ‘clean slate’. The men I’ve met haven’t had as much therapy / clarity and so are healing in surprise fits and starts.

Agree with this. In my experience, many women are happy to do end time single post separation and get into the right headspace whereas many men seem to operate on the ‘get over someone by jumping into another bed’ and do zero reflection

I mean. He’s treating his ex with compassion and he’s living elsewhere, and it’s been 5 months since the break up. That’s not too soon to be dating (in my eyes) so he hasn’t just leaped from one bed to another. There may also be other reasons it isn’t on the market so fast: maybe mortgage repayment penalty unless they wait another x number of months. If you are indeed early days in dating, then he’s the green flag and you are the red flag. It’s far too early to be getting impatient about how long it takes him to sell his house with his ex. Early dating days, you have no say or stake in that. I also wouldn’t expect him to share details of his finances with his ex at this early stage of dating: if they are avoiding financial penalties on the mortgage for example, I’m not sure I’d share that detail with someone who only been on a handful of dates with.

As long as you two are dating, having fun, and both moving forward at a pace you are happy with then I don’t see the problem. I’d be more worried if he was trying to rush the sale through, make her homeless and pressure you in to buying with him.

Why is this an issue? We waited 3 years to sell because there was no urgency

I met my partner of 12 years whilst still living with my ex husband and we hadn't sold the house yet, it doesn't need to be a red flag.