Ever asked someone for some me time only for them to pretty much move out?

[Pippaandme]

I am in, what I thought was a really lovely partnership, we get on well, we live together and we have such lovely fun that I can see this man in my future.

I was single a good 4/5 years prior to meeting him and loved my life before him, dont get me wrong, but also missed being in a relationship but needed that time to find me after a very long relationship previously. We have been seeing each other over a year now.

This relationship is very sweet, he is so so caring, very endearing, loving and affectionate, I couldnt ask for more. We have dated so much its lovely, gone away weekends, met family etc and literally things are sweet.

However, the difference between us, I have noticed is, that at times, I just want an evening to read alone or to go out for a walk alone after work. He prefers to spend all his time with me and admits to not liking his time alone due to possibly when he was younger spending a great time of time alone and parents not being around etc.I get that but I dont leave him per se I just want that time to myself to recharge.

So, the other day he mentioned he would work later to give me some space, I said thats fine, I said I will probably go and have a walk or go to the gym, however he decides not to work late, as he was tired and asks where am I, I said out walking and that I will be back probably in an hour. Which would coincide with his time at work if he was going to stay etc.

As I finish my walk he turns up to where i am walking only to say ok whats going on, do you not want me around?, do you have someone else?, this is all a bit out of the blue for me, I will stay at my work tonight, and leave you be, only for me to not even get a word in... but I said to him, all I wanted was a walk on my own to clear my head you told me this morning you were ok with that and I can read alone.

I like my own time at times, it recharges myself after a day of work ( I currently work where I am dealing with a lot of problems, its intense and need that downtime, whereas he doesnt need that) but I never say its anything else other that it helps me recharge and feel calm.

So I head home, only for him to have packed a suitcase, his rucksack and tells me again he is giving me space, and he will leave me be. I havent even asked him to leave, I said you can still stay here I just wanted a walk, he said no its ok, you needed space.

I am left here thinking, was it something I said, didnt say, but this is why at times I need that downtime just to recharge as spending all my time with him makes me feel so drained, tired and just exhausted. He says to me before he left that he does everything for me and that I dont talk to him....to which I just asked for a walk??
He mentioned I get that downtime and time alone, whilst he is at work but im working too and thats definitely not downtime.

What I am feeling now is that if I request this time alone it makes me feel guilty but if i dont have this downtime and see him too, I end up feeling quite down and very low in myself only to want to be alone more if this makes sense.

Its only just happened in the last few weeks and Im not too sure how to approach this as otherwise I thought he was such a lovely soul but am I right in thinking Im cold/or he is needy or am I being selfish?

Is it ok to want space with someone and enjoy your time alone or with others outside of the relationship? When he does this with his son it feels nice for him and I enjoy that he is away happy and I dont always go with them which use to upset him but he gets it as its their time together.. but he admits to missing me, I do too but still appreciate that time apart however lately its not as nice and Im starting to feel bad for it. .....at present Im just sitting here thinking what just happened?

thank you for reading!! Im kind of lost what to do really.

Run! You've already said you'll now be uncomfortable going for a walk by yourself - you'll constantly be worrying about his reaction! The damage is fine now. Change the locks before this controlling fucker comes back!
No msn who behaves like this is sweet or good for you in any way. It's manipulative AF!

And how long have you lived together? What’s the set up? Is it your place and he’s moved in?

His behaviour is a massive red flag for control. He’s yelling you HIS wants are more important than your needs and training you not to question him or you’ll face the consequences.

I absolutely have to have time alone. It’s for that reason I could never cohabit again - my solitude is vital for my wellbeing.

Some people have to decompress when they get home, go out for a walk, switch off and relax, others don’t need to, it’s not offensive or weird and certainly not something you have to feel guilty about.
He said he was working late, so you could have time alone (you were meant to feel guilty he felt he had to stay at work to give you space!) he came back early and you were not there (you had told him where you’d be) so he met you (checking to make sure you weren’t lying) and then starts asking if you’re seeing someone else and there is obviously something wrong in the relationship, (clearly telling you he is possessive and he doesn’t want you out of his sight). Then the finale is the flouncing out!
He’s possessive and putting down boundaries and showing you who he really is, this is just the tip of the iceberg and he will get worse.

He sounds very needy. Let him go. I expect he wants you to beg him to come back and apologise. Leave him to it.

Far, far too needy, could not deal with this ridiculous behaviour at all.
Either be firm and nip this in the bud now or run for the hills. For me it would be the latter.

Next time you go to the gym, you will be working out and he will come in checking up on you, he will have a face like a slapped arse and you will have to leave there and then, you will dread going home to deal with his unreasonable behaviour.

I noticed the "is there someone else"comment that along with not wanting you to have time to yourself,his demands on you and the constant reassurance of no one else would be draining.
Time to say cheerio and to a hail of bullet's dodged.

He's very needy and controlling and the two of you are incompatible.

That flounce he pulled was to punish you for wanting agreed on alone time. This guy is not going to give you the space you need to decompress or just exist alone for a time. The honeymoon period is over.

Pack up the rest of his shit and tell him to pick it up. Let him stay gone.

Why is it such a giveaway?
”he’s a very sweet man / great guy / lovely man / wonderful dad but…. he does this completely awful thing that shows he has no respect for me, all the time”.
Why do people feel the need for the bland preface before giving the more granular, revealing list of their behaviours? (i think I do this too - this is said out of curiosity and not as criticism)

He's shown you that he is manipulative and controlling. and of course he's got a tale to explain and excuse his behaviour.

Martha Stout points out that when you routinely find yourself feeling sorry for someone who is treating you badly, chances are that you are dealing with a sociopath. I'm not kidding, his behaviour is classic, he's just been able to hide it for longer than most - probably because you have explained away other things he has done.

The 'wanting to be around you 24/7' thing is another sign - it's not needy or romantic, it's controlling. He wants to have full control of your time, and if he can't, he will 'punish' you by leaving.

Don't be fooled by the nice side of things - of course he's nice, otherwise you'd end things the first time he pulled a stunt like this. But what happens now is if you continue the relationship, he will leave more often to teach you how to behave exactly as he wants. He will use other controlling and manipulative behaviours on you (he probably already is, but you haven't recognised it yet).

Think about it - he's shown that he is absolutely able to be away from you when he wants to be - yet he never has up to now.

At the very least, he is a grand sulker, so he's done you a favour. Change the locks. Do it now.

And the packing his bags and having a hissy fit is textbook manipulation. Here expects you to beg him to come back, promise you won’t do it again and spend the rest of your life appeasing his wants otherwise he’ll punish you for not being a ‘good girl’

Let him stay gone while you enjoy your peace

My ex was a bit like this. I went on a work course where they explained the difference between introverts and extroverts. It was in a work context but it helped me to understand why I need time on my own occasionally to recharge my batteries. My ex was the opposite. It helped to be able to explain this to him when I would come in from a busy day at work and just needed half an hour.

I am also someone who needs time to myself a lot. Most women I know are the same.

However, the situation you describe is quite serious and a bit worrying. I would be very concerned by your partner having such a strop over you wanting a bit of time for a walk etc and like others see it as being a bit controlling.

I hope you can sort things out but, if not, he has perhaps shown you who he really is now.

Yep. People in healthy relationships don’t feel the need to start their description of their partner as he’s so kind/caring/sweet my kids love him etc etc

Its always the script to justify staying with an abusive wanker.

This x100. If he has actually gone, take a deep breath and read these comments again.

If you do decide to take him back, as I fear you are intending to do, then this is your opportunity - possibly the only opportunity - to make it very, very clear that a relationship can only work if he respects you and your needs. You need time alone to decompress. Many people do. It's normal.

You could suggest he seeks therapy for dealing with his fear of being alone for an hour.

Be absolutely clear in your own mind that you need walks, baths, time to read a book and stick to it. Be prepared for him to agree but then try and undermine those times and don't be ground down if he does.

But really a one year relationship shouldn't be this hard work.

He’s controlling. He wants you to panic, miss him and then do what he wants.
This is not a good relationship, unfortunately.
Both partners should have time to themselves and a life of their own too as well as a good supportive life together.

Have you heard from him?

My ex used to get anxious about this, also thought I was seeing someone else. We were on holiday once, sitting in a window seat where both chairs faced out to people watch. We had books, but I was just enjoying quietly drinking my coffee and looking out the window, but he could not stop asking me what I was thinking. This was constant with him, always anxiously asking me what I was thinking. I remember this moment because it was such a stupid interaction. I said I wasn't thinking anything, just watching, that dog, that pigeon, pointing things out to him that I'd noticed, etc., and he just got more anxious, what was I keeping from him, what did I feel that I couldn't share with him, saying that he felt shut out. Honestly, I was just sitting there feeling pretty peaceful until this exchange. We got together when we were so young, 18 and 20, married, and I thought we were happy enough, but this stupid little moment helped me to see things differently. His anxiety that I wasn't happy in the relationship became a reality as I started piecing things together.

You cannot reassure someone about this kind of anxiety. If you are truly who you say you are and he is still so full of doubt, you cannot do more to help him see who you really are. You can't prove what isn't there.

I’m happily married and I need my own time. I work out, go for walks, scroll MN, read, catch up with my mum or friends on the phone, watch a show on telly…. I couldn’t cope with this, sorry. It will probably just get worst too.

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this yet. If any of the below rings true perhaps do more reading into it.

The 9 criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) include: frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, a disturbed sense of identity, impulsivity, suicidal behavior or self-harm, intense mood swings, chronic feelings of emptiness, intense anger, and transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment: This involves intense fear of abandonment and making desperate efforts to avoid it, even when the likelihood is low.

Can't you have a relationship but live separately. I always made it clear to bfs I had no intention of living together as I needed my own space, I would be happy seeing them twice a week and still had time for friends and to be alone.