Feeling like I'm not a priority.....

[Lilo2095]

Hi all,
I’m struggling in my marriage and could really use some outside perspective. I (29F) feel like I’m the one always making the effort with my husband (36M)— planning dates, cooking, buying gifts, thinking about us — but my husband rarely does the same for me. I have even asked him several times to plan dates for us. He invites me along to things he wants to do but doesn’t seem interested in doing things together that I suggest or enjoy. I don't even need something grand it could just be cooking for me or going for a walk somewhere new. I even mentioned several times about receiving flowers but he has never got them for me. It makes me feel like such a mug for accepting this.
I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel, but it often ends with him shutting down or walking away, and I’m left feeling like I’m just slotting into his life rather than building a life with him. I want him to see me as a priority, not just someone who keeps things running. I don’t want to nag or argue, but I want him to care enough to make an effort without me having to ask all the time.
He is currently struggling a lot with being a part time carer for his dad and with the demands of his job which I understand and therefore just tend to accept him not making any effort because I know he does love me but I feel unappreciated. I even cook for his mum whenever I know its been a particularly hard day caring for my FIL. We have been married for 1.5yrs and I thought I could cope with him being a carer but I always feel last in the list of priorities.
I’m exhausted emotionally and unsure what to do next. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you cope when you feel like you’re the only one trying?

TBH I do find that often people will be good at some things and weak on others. I (am a guy) tend to be the one to do 99% of the cooking, shopping and I love it, will normally refuse even if someone offers. I also love getting gifts for people bt less keen on receiving (love language). Maybe he is directing his appreciation in other ways you are not noticing, maybe he isn't?

Just be open, tell him you know he has a lot on but you are suffering and need to feel appreciated. And, if things dont change it will just get worse and you will drift apart, is that what he wants?

Men and women are different. Do you invite him to things you are interested? Do you want to go places or do you just want him to do something? It's probably not in him. I'm similar in I suggest things I like and my wife tends to come along and enjoy and then she suggests things and I go along. One warning though: don't put it him on trial because if he's headstrong he won't bother.

Caring is all consuming it sounds as if if you married him knowing he was involved in his father's care. Is there any element you can do jointly. When my husband married me he knew care of dad took top priority slightly different to you as we were all in the same house. You need to speak to him if you really hadn't appreciated this

Communication is the only way through this.
I know you're trying there. But sometimes we need a bit of help making sure we say things in a way that's more likely to keep someone open instead of shutting down. When you try to talk to him about it, what do you say and how do you phrase it?

Yes he has a lot on his plate but I don't think what you're asking for - to feel appreciated - is too much to ask. It takes a few minutes to order flowers online or to suggest going for a walk one afternoon and having an idea where.

Have you told him how serious this is and the deeper impact it has, or have you just said you'd like him to organise more dates...? I think if it's the latter he probably is just thinking you'll be OK as he's got a lot on his plate with his dad, if its the former he really should be trying as it clearly really matters to you and how you're feeling. It also sounds like maybe you don't have much in common, if you're wanting him to find things you enjoy, but he organises things he likes but you aren't enjoying any of those things - sort of sounds like someone has to lose out? Can you try something new together you both actually want to do (dh and I did Italian on zoom together once a week, cooked Italian food for it, had Italian wine after, we also once when we felt disconnected literally just picked an old tv series and committed to watching it together twice a week with phones away - it doesn't have to be big to reconnect). Also look at what he does do, My dh makes me a tea every morning, maybe he is rubbish at planning dates but is showing his love in a way you don't see? Equally, perhaps he isn't, in which case I can see why you feel unappreciated.
Ultimately only you know if you're disconnected because it's a tough time, he loves you but hasn't got capacity to show it and you just need to find a couple of small things to reconnect (in which case I'd go easy on him, find a tiny thing you both like, that's relaxing and do it regularly). Or, does he just not actually care that much, and is not really that bothered... if it's the latter you need to express how serious this is and think about what you want to do being married for such a short period of time and it already feeling like you're taken for granted and unloved

You both need to sit down and have a conversation about how you feel. This is the only way forward

Just go.

He won't notice.

Is the situation with his DF ongoing i.e. is it a long term condition? If so things are unlikely to change unless his family gets care in and I can see with caring and working how there isn’t much left in his tank.
I think you need to sit down with him and talk about what you need as a couple and see if this is achievable. If it’s flowers once a month, then - transactional as it seems - just tell him. Unfortunately it just sounds like he hasn’t got much of himself left to spare. It would be a shame if your relationship broke up because he was providing so much care.

He’s working and being a carer.
He’s probably exhausted.
Do you work?
If it was one of your parents that needed care, where would you be?
I’m sorry, but I think he has his priorities right, but I’m old school. Do you help with the care of his father or just make him feel guilty for not being able to stretch himself even further?
I work full time, and the last thing I want to do on my 2 days off is plan things to do.

Yes i feel the same, I would feel like a performing seal if my husband wanted me to be the way the op wants their partner to be

OP - I am older, had been married for a long time, had kids, seen many relationships survive and break down - so here is my 2p - ignore at will....

For starters - I think your idea of a relationship is based on some romantic novels, or Hollywood movies. You seem to be expecting your H to continuously woo you. No relationship goes and survives long term in the way you seem to expect. And no relationship needs this sort of continuous wooing / reassurance you seem to need.

Secondly - and most importantly. You are being completely unreasonable and self-absorbed. "He is currently struggling a lot with being a part time carer for his dad"..... Yet - you want him to then come home and plan dates and buy you flowers????? And YOU feel "unappreciated".... - for what exactly?

You completely lack self-awareness and empathy.

In simplest terms - you are 29 and only been married for 1.5 years. If you go on as you do - you will be divorced in a few years. And go on in search of some man who would "prioritise" you above all else. This will not happen. You will get increasingly dissatisfied with the state of men - and spend years complaining that they are all terrible. I have seen a version of it happen, over and over.

Alternatively - it's not too late to give your head a shake. Get some counselling - to see why you seem to need this much ongoing reassurance. Try to get to self-awareness and work on empathy. Try to realise that there are two people in a relationship - and your needs are not the only ones. Try to relate to how he feels. Try to talk to him as well - and establish communication, rather than demanding flowers. And maybe - the two of you can find some middle ground, where both people's needs are better understood.

I feel really sorry for your H. It must be so so hard to care for his father. And I can't imagine the emotional toll it takes. And to have a needy childish wife at home must be hard as well.

Good luck

No matter how busy or under pressure someone is it doesn't take much time to make someone feel, wanted, cared for, appreciated and loved.

If you cannot incorporate kindness into your life then you do not deserve be in a relationship.

It can take no time at all to show love.... a wink, a touch or a certain look, I think op knows that there maybe something missing, other than his time.

What ovening writes.

How long does he intend to act as his father’s carer?. Also something is going to give soon anyway whether it is he in terms of carer burnout or your marriage. The current situation as it stands is untenable.

If you are U.K. based I would encourage him to contact his parents adult social care department at their council offices to obtain an assessment of care needs for both parents.