My 3 kids are all adults now and they’re thriving. All have achieved excellent exam results, built their confidence and gone into professional careers. They’re happy, healthy and well adjusted young adults.
Their dad and I happily spend time together with them, go for meals out together, help each other with lifts, are flexible on financial and practical support for each other, and do what we can to keep things friendly and conflict free. I know this hasn’t always been the case for friends of mine whose separation was more traumatic. Through no fault of their own they haven’t been able to maintain good relationships with exes. Their kids are also doing absolutely fine! Most of my friends are divorced women. I’d say my 8 or 9 closest friends are all divorced! And all of their kids are doing brilliantly.
I know the stats say that children of divorce have worse outcomes, but I think a lot of that is down to the aggravating factors in a lot of divorce. Where there has been trauma from eg cheating, addiction, DV etc I imagine the impact on both parents and children will be marked. For a mum struggling with her own mental health it can be hard to show up day in day out. But we do it. We do our best and we show up. If you’re lucky enough to get one night off a week to get back to being you its a godsend. It feels awful at first, but then you start to look forward to the night without them, you get to go out, let your hair down, reconnect with old friends, and yourself. And make new friends too.
Where the child doesn’t see their other parent at all, or the non-resident parent is flaky and unreliable this will impact on your stress levels and the childrens emotional security. If the divorce causes poverty for the resident parent that will have its own negative effects too, so if you can continue to work or train in a role that brings in more money and if the other parent contributes fairly and recognises that the recommended percentage of income comes nowhere near what it costs to raise a child, you will be fine financially.
What I’m trying to say is that when both parents put the children’s welfare at the forefront of any decision they make, where both strive to make each others set ups fair and equitable, where they coparent respectfully and amicably, and where the children grow up knowing they have the security of two loving parents, who put aside their personal differences for the good of the children, it can work well.