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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father's day bind

28 replies

tecbrowidow · 10/06/2025 09:10

Context: My partner totally let me down on mother's day this year, he didn't do anything to mark the day or deliver the lie-in I really wanted. He left me solo parenting for most of the day.
Me: Do you want me to do anything to mark father's day? I'm still feeling a bit sore about mother's day.
Him: No, I don't care about father's day.
Me: Ok, so I won't organise anything then.
Him: Ok. But bear that in mind for next mother's day.
Me: Well, that doesn't seem very fair. You've told me you don't care about father's day. I do care about mother's day. What I'd like on mother's day is a lie in and maybe a nice meal, but mostly a lie in. If that's what you want for father's day too then I can arrange that, but it seems like you just want to make sure the books balance.
Him: Well it's not fair is it.
Me: So what would you like for father's day?
Him: I don't care about father's day.
What should I do for father's day?

Look, I know some of you are going to come up with some really great revenge ploys, but I'm not really into that. I'm looking to keep the peace and not set myself up for fights next mother's day. Also, yes, I might ask for a separation, but that's not a topic for this thread please.

OP posts:
soontobeamama · 10/06/2025 10:33

I would just do for him what he did for Mother’s Day - you should take the day off and enjoy yourself.

Epidote · 10/06/2025 10:47

Don't so anything for father's day if he doesn't bother about it, and next year do something on mother's day that you like. Or other day, any day is mother's day, kids day or father's day so plan something you would like to do and do it. Don't wait for him. He is testing you.
Don't die in this argument. Is not worthy.

NeedyQuoter · 10/06/2025 10:54

Mirror his energy and don't bother with anything. When the kids are older they'll make a card if they want to. When it's mothers day you arrange something with your kids as he is unreliable.

Rvethetgergwtbteh · 10/06/2025 11:18

If you do anything, you will feel resentful when he inevitably does nothing again next year for Mother’s Day. I would do the bare minimum and get him a card, and spend the day asking him what he wants to do, as you are doing now.

Then on Mother’s Day I would take him at his word and expect the same treatment - so in advance ask yourself what you want to do on Mother’s Day and plan and do that with your child! The day is about your relationship with your child anyway.

yeesh · 10/06/2025 11:22

He just doesn’t care about you. Anyone normal would be sad they had let you down & would have tried to make it up to you. He’s just told you that he won’t do anything for Mother’s Day next year even though he knows it hurt you this year. Selfish bastard

mondaytosunday · 10/06/2025 13:39

I’d be tempted to say ‘happy Father’s Day! Your kids are thrilled to spend it with you, like the fun day me and the kids had on Mother’s Day! I’ll be back around 5pm…’

Odiebay · 10/06/2025 18:45

mondaytosunday · 10/06/2025 13:39

I’d be tempted to say ‘happy Father’s Day! Your kids are thrilled to spend it with you, like the fun day me and the kids had on Mother’s Day! I’ll be back around 5pm…’

This exactly. You do the same he did to you. You go out and let him solo parent.

CopperWhite · 10/06/2025 18:50

I used to see this as teaching my children what I wanted them to learn, rather than doing their father a favour. I wanted my children to enjoy doing kind things and showing appreciation, so I did Father’s Day and the Nans on Mother’s Day. If your child is too young to notice the difference, don’t bother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2025 19:23

Why are you keeping the peace with such a tool?. It is clear through both word and deed that he is not bothered.

Why is your relationship bar this low?

Pollqueen · 10/06/2025 19:25

I'd do exactly the same as he did for you, then have a long hard think about whether I wanted to stay with the tosser

Natty13 · 10/06/2025 20:55

I don't understand your dilemma. He made no effort for MD. He will make no effortnext year too...regardless of whatever you do for him on FD.

Women post on these boards in DROVES wanting to keep the peace and avoid fights. Those of us who aren't afraid to gave a high bar and argue when it isn't met don't have to post here bleating about how you'd be happy with scraps and don't even get those...

doneandone · 10/06/2025 20:58

I'd definitely make zero effort and leave the dcs with him all day and go out yourself. Mirror his behaviour and then next year make your own plans for Mother's Day. Have no expectations of him and then you won't be disappointed. Definitely think about if this is how you want things to be going forward.

DancingDangerously · 10/06/2025 20:59

Stop trying to get him to see your point of view. He doesn't care. He's told you that, in behaviour and in words.

I agree with what pp have said. Take yourself off for the day and he can spend Father's Day being a present and engaged father to his children. Match his energy 100%.

I'd still get a card and a token present like a chocolate bar for the children to give to him.

pimplebum · 10/06/2025 21:03

why are you with him? He is petty , petulant and does not communicate like a grown man

he disappointed you and does not care , not a role model for your kids

roseymoira · 10/06/2025 21:46

He spends a lovely day with his kids. You go out for the day and leave them to it.

Think of it like you get a day off on fathers day, he gets one on mothers day

BiscuitBotherer · 10/06/2025 22:21

It’s like he’s setting you up to fail? And have an excuse to be shit for other celebrations.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/06/2025 22:27

Just don't bother he doesn't care about father or mother's day and won't bother about either. He sounds incredibly selfish all round. I would want to please my partner whether I cared about a celebration day or not. He does not care about pleasing you.

EllieEllie25 · 10/06/2025 23:31

Definitely don’t do anything for him OP. And go out by yourself.

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 11/06/2025 03:20

Thanks everyone. For those asking why I'm such a doormat - when my partner let me down on mother's day, my mum said to me something along the lines of she'd been waiting 55 years for my dad to do something nice for her. She didn't say I should expect more from my life than this. I've been taught from an early age that emotional neglect is to be endured.

OP posts:
Onautopilot · 11/06/2025 04:09

Then you and Mum go out for the day and leave DH and DF to it. Both could do with a wake up call.

TheAutumnCrow · 11/06/2025 05:46

I’d go out with your mum on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Early. In fact book into a Premier Inn the night before.

ChristmasFluff · 11/06/2025 08:00

He doesn't love you. Serve him divorce papers on Fathers Day and be done with it.

hedgingmybets25 · 11/06/2025 08:10

Don’t do anything.
but accept he won’t for Mother’s Day and you’ll need to arrange something else (a lot of single mums do)
forced gift giving is worse than no gift in my opinion
ive been a single mum since my children were little my eldest will choose a card and I’ll let her get something from B&M with a kids pocket money card (that I top up)
Decent childminders / nursery / pre school and school tend to have card making sessions too

Natty13 · 11/06/2025 08:27

Natty13 · 10/06/2025 20:55

I don't understand your dilemma. He made no effort for MD. He will make no effortnext year too...regardless of whatever you do for him on FD.

Women post on these boards in DROVES wanting to keep the peace and avoid fights. Those of us who aren't afraid to gave a high bar and argue when it isn't met don't have to post here bleating about how you'd be happy with scraps and don't even get those...

Yeah and now you're passing that to the next generation...surely you want better for your kid(s)?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/06/2025 08:36

Just go out for the day. Use the day to plan dumping him.

How old are your children?