Can someone help me to stop being jealous

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I am so tired of jealousy.

My girlfriend does drink when she goes out but she is in love with me and I would be shocked if she ever did anything even dishonest/shady let alone outright cheating.

When she goes out drinking I get stressed out. I imagine guys hitting on her all the time. Trying to make moves on her, checking her out. Trying to get her socials /phone numbers

We don't fight about it because I keep it in most of the time. We've had a few discussions where I've talked about how her going out and drinking a lot bothers me and how certain things bother me . It's mostly related to jealousy

I know she is trustworthy and I don't want to lose her due to me having my own personal issues with trust and my own demons.
She doesn't do anything wrong when she goes out and it just me being paranoid

How can I stop being so paranoid and constantly thinking about dudes hitting on her when she goes out?
Not that it really matters but my last relationship was 4 years and I was cheated on, so I think that is where a lot of it is coming from. Some is also from personal insecurity

Has anyone struggled with this and how can I fix it? We have a wonderful time together most of the time and I do not want her going out once or twice on the weekends to affect our relationship

Please let me know any advice

I suggest some counselling, as you have other issues asides from the jealousy that you could do with help on

You can find a counsellor online.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Or the BACP directory

I used to feel like this. Had counselling/CBT and feel much better now.

Definitely get some counselling. It will help you identify when this is starting, or how to deal with it before she goes out. You’ll learn to recognise what the feelings are and how to manage them.

I am going to look into CBT

Are there any quick pointers from it that might help for this weekend

Think what is the worst that can happen: she cheats. But if she does, you will survive.
How likely is it that she will cheat: highly unlikely you said.
Do men looking at her or talking to her on a night out mean that she will cheat: No, not at all.
Recognise that your feelings this weekend are as a result of past experiences. They are not a predictor of future prophecy, they are feelings drawn on past experiences that you have create to keep you safe from it happening again. But they aren’t effective. Feelings of jealously just drive people away.
Being a person she wants to be with is far more likely to protect your heart. Think about the good things about your relationship, what you want out of it, what she wants out of it: do more of that.
Trust is important. It is hard to give completely because of your past, but you can work out in with a counsellor.
When feelings of jealously crop up, recognise the feelings, understand why they are there, and then let them go.

Wholeheartedly trust her.

Another vote for therapy. Just try to remember that the jealousy is more likely to tank your relationship than any goings on with random third parties

Girls can get hit on sober too. If you want to and know how to set boundaries, it doesn't matter if you're hit on 1 or 100 times. I'm realistic about human flaws but I truly think this is the case. It's pretty easy not to cheat if you decide not to in advance.

Whereas if a woman is looking for attention on the side, even just 1 glance is enough to spur them into cheating. And that's not the kind of woman you want in your life anyway. Not even in any moral sense but they just don't have the self-esteem and personality for long term relationships.

Stop infantilising her. She is capable in her own right of turning down any advances. She is not child and existed in the world as an adult before you.

And quite frankly if she does cheat no one will die, you will survive.

Get some therapy.

You can download CBT thought sheets from online. They help you talk yourself down from negative and intrusive thoughts by putting things in perspective. Also, recommend Chat GBT for seeking some advice and tips until you can get proper CBT with a professional.

Well done for realising that this is your issue and for wanting to address it. Not everyone is willing to look inward and take accountability and not everyone is motivated enough to make moves to change.

I think with the right help you can overcome this. Just try and get it sooner rather than later if you're serious about not wanting to damage or lose your relationship.

When you start getting jealous, distract yourself, don't let your brain focus on the jealousy. This will stop it escalating and becoming a habit

You aren't going to be able to change where your girlfriend goes to socialise, so either you need to develop ways to deal with what might be going on or you need to think about whether you're with the right person for you. Not every woman enjoys going out drinking and being in places where she's more likely to get hassled by men.

I can sympathise as I struggle a lot with jealousy and envy, too. I had a difficult time growing up and have low self esteem. I'm working with a counsellor at the moment, but naturally, it's not like flicking a switch. It takes time. I imagine your jealousy also comes from a place of low self esteem and an inability to fully trust others. I think for people with low self esteem the idea of being cheated on is like the end of the world, or at least it is for me. But hopefully in time you will come to realise that you'll be OK no matter what. I often believe the truth always comes out in the end, and cheaters are more than often caught out. What will be will be. But like others have said, jealousy is more likely to ruin your relationship than anything else. I see trust as more like building a brick house. 1 brick at a time. Any small progress is still progress. Next time she goes out, do things that make you feel good. Distract yourself. Could you also see a friend? Maybe put on a good film? It's okay to feel jealousy and acknowledge why you feel that way. But you then have to say to yourself, "it's pointless to worry about something that may never happen". It's like spending everyday of your life worrying that you're going to fall down the stairs and die. I mean.. what are the chances? And why is it worth worrying so much about it? Also, worrying about it won't stop it happening. So when you consider all of that, it really does feel pointless. But like I said, I completely understand how you feel. I hope you'll get better in time!

She can go out you don't own her.
She can drink as much as she likes because it's her life and nothing to do with you.
Women are perfectly capable of turning down men.
Get therapy.

You are the problem here, not your girlfriend. She has the right to go out, drink as much as she wants, and talk to whomever she pleases.
I echo other posters, download some CBT worksheets, book some one to one therapy, before your jealousy ends the relationship. Having a jealous (for no reason) boyfriend is tiresome.

God you're an awful person. I was cheated on and it just about destroyed me in various ways despite having pretty secure self esteem in the first place. I'm sure the various wives on MN who've discovered affairs would love to have you dismiss what they've been through.

You believe she wouldn’t betray you. You trust her. Then let her prove that your trust is well placed.

You don’t need to worry men will approach her. Hope that they do and she behaves the right way. Some people don’t cheat because they don’t have the opportunity. If your girlfriend has the opportunity but honours what you have built, then she’s a keeper. If she doesn’t then you found out something about her that is a deal breaker for you.

There is no point in worrying because you can’t control it. You can only control how you behave. If she cheats you’ll be ok. She will have lost a good man, who trusted and respected her. You would have lost an insecure and unfaithful person. Give her the space and agency to show you who she really is, not who you want her to be.

I left my husband alone at a party and went to bed (because I was tired) with a woman known to be a swinger/ go for other peoples husbands. I knew she would try it on (she did) but he came to bed soon after shocked and told me everything. I gave him space to show me who he was and he was the man I believed he was. I have deep trust in him, but I sometimes get intrusive thoughts. However I would rather he prove he is trustworthy than worry about it.

@hungryyyywe aren’t talking about you. We are talking about OP being irrationally jealous. I’ve also been through being cheated on, it hurt, I got over it.

Jealousy is the monster you keep feeding.
Feeding it means entertaining the thoughts, allowing it to drain your energy, allowing it to live rent free in your head. Every time you pay any attention to the jealousy, you're feeding it. And like any other creature, it keeps coming back to the place it's being fed.
When you stop feeding it, you take away its motivation to keep coming back.

I also add to the vote for therapy to handle the underlying issue. You've come to believe that being cheated on is the end of the world. That you're the powerless victim who depends on the willingness of others for your happiness. This false idea is going to lead to you trying to control your environment and the people in it, to minimise the likelihood of getting hurt. Which is the fastest way to push people away and make all those worst case scenario's come true.

You need to regain your trust in yourself. Not in being able to micro-manage and control every aspect of your life, but in being able to cope with the inevitable pain that comes with participating in life. You can't stop people from hurting you. You can however have faith in your ability to heal.

Slightly different point of view here, but consider that whilst (hypothetically) your girlfriend cheating may be damaging to your relationship, you being jealous will also be damaging to your relationship. Not hypothetically, either - immediately.

Personally, I've made a choice that I will deliberately choose to be more trusting in order to avoid damaging a relationship through jealousy. If the worst happens then I will be taken for a fool slightly longer than would otherwise be the case, and hurt a little more. But the flip side is that by making that choice, and being intentionally a little over-trusting, I know I will be building the relationship as strongly as I can rather than damaging it myself.

I'm not saying that you should be naive or stupid, but that it is better to verge slightly in the trusting direction than to go the other way and damage things yourself.