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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I asking too much?

12 replies

fromthechandelier · 09/06/2025 21:16

Backstory: DP & I have been together a decade, moved in together 5 years ago (we bought together, I sold my own property which I'm now thinking is a mistake). Both of us have DC from previous marriages, no DC together and no plans to. DP earns 6x my wage, comes from money, I am very much working class in comparison. When we bought we did a deed of trust together stating who owned which proportion of the house, he had slightly more than me to acknowledge him putting more in. Everything was fine.

Fast forward a few years, DP came into some big money at the same time I lost my job. He decided he wanted to pay the mortgage off. I protested, but had my arm twisted into doing it. I was in a very bad place mentally and didn't put up enough of a fight. As a result, he told me that my percentage of the house had gone down, to a single figure percent that actually doesn't reflect how much I'd contributed financially up to that point. The agreement we had was updated to reflect it, and I stupidly signed to say I agreed. Like I say, I was in a very bad place in my life and I regret it.

It's been a huge sticking point ever since, and caused countless rows as I've always felt duped, and that I'm a lodger in my own home. Over time those rows have got worse. It now turns out the updated agreement wasn't done properly. DP now wants to get it done legally, so I will have that single figure percent by law. More recently he came into more money, and put a considerable sum into building works on the house so in his eyes his claim on the house is even bigger now. I have refused to sign anything without solicitor advice for myself, which has sent him into a fit that I'm going to 'steal his money' (he had to pay his EXW a large sum when they split, rightly in my opinion, and he is still very sore about it).

We have been in a rough patch for a while for other reasons I won't go into, but this seems to be a make or break for us. I'm of the opinion that he can buy me out easily enough regardless of the percentage I have, so I can go and buy something myself that's mine and that he can't have a claim on. He said if I do that we're over. But is also adamant that if I want anything other than the single figure percent, we're over anyway. He has gone full on narc nasty, and I'm more than aware if this becomes a legal row, he will just outspend me and I could easily end up with nothing.

To be clear, this isn't about money for me. This is more to do with the betrayal I'm feeling that he did this, in my eyes took advantage of me, and if I leave I'm left with very little. He's obsessed with the idea that I'm going to take his money and that I'm a gold digger. Also that I've set up this argument as an excuse for leaving.

I am really down and struggling, feeling like an idiot for getting myself in this situation and tying myself up in knots thinking he's right. I hope I havn't been too light on detail, but I would love to know what others think on this. Please help me get some clarity.

OP posts:
fromthechandelier · 09/06/2025 21:30

Feel like I should also add that his opinion is that I'm not recognising the amount of money he's put into this, which I absolutely am. But I can't match that and never will.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 09/06/2025 21:34

Who cares what he thinks? The relationship is over. Enforce the first agreement and take the money and go somewhere else.

gamerchick · 09/06/2025 21:41

Christ. I'd see a solicitor asap OP. It's over anyway. I'd hazard a guess there are other things going on that contributes to your mental health issues.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 09/06/2025 21:45

How much will he give you if you ask him to buy you out right now?

fromthechandelier · 09/06/2025 21:51

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 09/06/2025 21:45

How much will he give you if you ask him to buy you out right now?

The single figure percentage would work out about 15k. My original percentage about 200k.

I should say that I don't want the relationship to be over necessarily, but my original point to him was that we can't be a team when the power balance is so weighted in his favour because of the house ownership percent. That's where the argument came from.

OP posts:
MrsRedTop · 09/06/2025 21:55

If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be trying to financially screw you over. Couples who love each other, want the other to feel safe and secure.

Pineapplesunshine · 09/06/2025 22:09

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
It’s difficult to comment without knowing the amount you put in - in terms of any lump sum and mortgage payments - but there’s a big difference between £15k and £200k!
Could you think about an agreement more along the lines of you own a fixed amount which is the amount you’ve put in to date - any lump sum and contributions to mortgage previously - and he owns the rest? It’s far from ideal for a couple who are meant to be partners and it would not be fair as you would effectively lose any increase in the property value, but at least you would get out what you have put in.
To be honest, I would be inclined to ask him to buy you out with the money he’s come into and then use that as a deposit to buy somewhere if you can - even if you let it for now, it would be somewhere to escape to if the worst came to the worst and at least you would receive any increase on that property. You definitely need legal advice though

LittleDoveLove · 09/06/2025 22:18

I would seek legal advice and not be signing anything until then . He chose to invest in the property that should not be at your financial detriment. I think you mayhave a claim to a property after cohabiting for a period of time too and I think signing this could maybe take that away. I’m not a solicitor so don’t quote me but I definitely would be seeking legal advice, he seems to be showing his true colours a bit here and you need to protect yourself. Best of luck x

fromthechandelier · 09/06/2025 22:39

Pineapplesunshine · 09/06/2025 22:09

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
It’s difficult to comment without knowing the amount you put in - in terms of any lump sum and mortgage payments - but there’s a big difference between £15k and £200k!
Could you think about an agreement more along the lines of you own a fixed amount which is the amount you’ve put in to date - any lump sum and contributions to mortgage previously - and he owns the rest? It’s far from ideal for a couple who are meant to be partners and it would not be fair as you would effectively lose any increase in the property value, but at least you would get out what you have put in.
To be honest, I would be inclined to ask him to buy you out with the money he’s come into and then use that as a deposit to buy somewhere if you can - even if you let it for now, it would be somewhere to escape to if the worst came to the worst and at least you would receive any increase on that property. You definitely need legal advice though

Being bought out and buying something else of my own was my thought, for my own stability even if we do stay together. He didn't like that idea though.

I could suggest the agreement you mention, it wouldn't be fair but at least I would get something back.

Agree with all posting that I need proper legal advice. I'm ringing for a free half hour with someone tomorrow.

But it's good to hear that I'm not just being a gold digging bitch.

OP posts:
NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 09/06/2025 22:46

All he cares about is £

GreenwayHouse · 09/06/2025 22:47

So sorry, OP. It sounds like he has some hang ups from his previous divorce which are causing him to act in a mercenary way now (similar to my ex).

You are definitely not being a gold digging bitch and don’t ever let him persuade you into thinking that you are. You just want what is rightfully yours.

bigboykitty · 09/06/2025 22:54

Take the £200k you are legally entitled to and run away fast from this greedy, exploitative pig of a man. You deserve better. If you must continue the relationship, do it from your own home. You seem a bit oblivious to how much he is taking advantage of you. Get legal advice. Take every penny as per your original and still legally binding agreement.

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