What’s going on here then?

[DiligentStrawberry]

I finished with my BF five weeks ago. He was run ragged with various things in his life and I found his anxiety was spilling into my life. BF was lovely but it was too much.

At first I felt relieved, but gradually I am becoming more obsessed with him. It isn’t that I regret the break-up, but I am having dreams about him/thinking about him/looking him up online. It’s like a teen crush but weirdly seems to be getting stronger every day. It’s almost started to feel overwhelming and even pretty lustful.

What on earth is going on?

You’re just attached to the trauma and the hope of what could have been with him. It’s very common. Feeling lusty is natural too if you’re used to regular sex.

Just go totally no contact. Shut down looking at his socials. No texting, no going to places he might be, no asking mutual friends about him.

It’ll pass. You’ll get over him. It takes time to heal. No rushing into a new relationship. Believe me, this I know.

Why are you talking as though this is something that's happening to you? You're choosing to think about him, obsess, stalk him online etc. Stop doing it. Focus on other things.

Definitely does not feel as though I am in control. That’s what is particularly strange.

I am honestly happy with my decision to end things and at first I was just relieved. But with each passing day it seems to snowball and get worse.

Cannot stop thinking about him. I realise he isn’t a walking god but…

Argh, why now?!

You're being ridiculous, sorry. Of course it's in your control. Distract yourself with other friends, hobbies, dates etc. Read a book. Every time he pops into your head, think of something else instead.

If you choose to keep fantasising and ruminating about him then you will become more and more obsessed. Stop it now. Remember you decided to end things. So let it go.

URGH. This is miserable. I haven’t messaged him or anything. I am just … besotted.

I appreciate that is really boring for everyone else. But I really am completely exhausted with how my brain keeps sending me back to thoughts of him, however random.

If your thoughts are genuinely not under your control, you need to see a GP or a therapist.

If you change the subject every time your thoughts go to him, your brain will soon get the message.

I suspect you want someone to say it must be destiny or something but no. It's not. You dumped him and you were happy with your choice so let it go now and think about other things.

Are you sure you can’t change your mind and give it another go? You said he was nice x

Oh yes, @Lizzbear he was great: complete package of attractive, kind, solvent, intelligent. Honestly, he will have had lots of offers since we split.

Part of the reason I am reluctant to even think about messaging is because we split because another old friend declared her love for him and his ex-wife suddenly wanted him back too and got their children onside. He was in a bit of a spin about it all understandably.

But obviously, I am not sticking around to find out who he picks.

@wrongthinker you are right that I need to retrain my brain. I definitely do not believe in destiny. I do believe in the scarcity of sexy men.

So you dumped him, then you realised he was in demand by others, so now you want him back?

I would definitely advise him not to go there again. You're not a good match. And yes, train yourself to stop thinking about him, and move on.

i knew he’d be in demand as I dumped him. I didn’t think I wanted him back … but…

I think Wrongthinker has hit the nail on the head, you want him back because others now do too. Completely natural but you left him for a reason, remember that. If you really wanted him, nothing would have made you leave him. Try and move on if you can I would say

I left him because there were too
many other people on the scene. That’s not a reason for wanting him back.

Amazing abs and a kind disposition are a reason for missing him, though.

I don’t actually regret the break up. It’s more I would really love to see/speak/shag him now.

What did he do wrong?

He didn’t do much wrong except get wildly stressed as a result of having no boundaries.

He told everyone about us, his ex got upset, his old friend got upset, and both were seriously indulged and worried about by him. His DC got involved and upset. He was about to melt with stress - just from having me as a girlfriend. He should have just told them all to back off but he didn’t. He really struggled, would tell anyone anything in the name of honesty and spent hours listening to woes that IMO would have been better politely shut down.

In the end, even though I didn’t come into contact with any of these people, I needed to remove myself from the relationship before full implosion. He did have a heart of gold though.

I get like this; I've seen it described as limerence although others just describe it as a crush it feels like more than just this. There is a book called Living With Limerence by someone called Dr L that I got on Amazon and I found it really helpful
He says some people are get limerent crushes and other people just don't, ever. I wish I was in the latter category! The book recommends the same as what PPs have recommended: go totally NC even though it's hard at first it does get easier.

Maybe youre just ovulating

It really could be this you know. It is very powerful.

So, you dumped him because he had shit boundaries and was overly invested in his exes?

Firstly, it sounds like you did the right thing by dumping him.but I also wonder if you imagined you'd become one of these exes that he fawns over and are a bit disappointed that you're not.

Did you want him to fight for you?

At the moment, you are choosing to indulge these thoughts about him. Only you are allowing yourself to think about him and look through SM. You can just stop.reinforcing that behaviour by not doing it.

I wonder if I did want him to fight for me on some level. That would have been nice but if he was the kind to do that then I doubt he’d have got so bogged down in all the other stuff.

I’ve always known that he wouldn’t get in touch though. He was interested in self-improvement and I assume will have researched ‘What to do when my GF dumps me?’, seen that all the advice is to go No Contact and done that. Especially as I haven’t been in touch.

Distract yourself with a new project. If he really wants you, he will make an effort to get you back. Focus on yourself

You made the right choice in dumping him.

One quite effective way of neutralising recurring thoughts is to note them in a neutral way and redirect.

As soon as you notice yourself thinking about him, say to yourself "Oh, there's another thought about Bob. Now, what's next on my shopping list?" Catch yourself as soon as you realise youve had the thought and don't be judgmental about the fact that thoughts keep popping up.

I find this works really well if you can note and redirect literally every time you have the thought, even if it's 30 times an hour....it will stop sooner than if you allow yourself to ruminate.