Am I in the wrong

[Hick2378]

I’ll try and be as brief as possible. Basically we had a day out planned for my son’s 2nd bday. This is an annual trip weve done for the last 2 yrs with my side of the family. For context I’ve always felt OH had a problem with doing anything with my side just little backhanded supposedly “joke” comments he’s makes but he’s mostly always come along. Anyway to the issue. I came from work to his parents in our house visiting. OH had a night out with planned with his family on a date in July (which he couldn’t attend because of work) he then told me this date had been moved to August (not for his benefit because someone else had plans for the date in July). Initially I thought nothing of it absolutely fine. Woke up this morning to have a blazing row because I reminded him that said date in August was the same date we had planned to go out with my family for our son’s bday. This is a family occasion all other partners are coming. OH in formed me that I’m being unreasonable for asking him to miss this new date with his family and that he shouldn’t have to come out with my family as I will have family with me on said date to help with the kids. He seems to fail to register that we’d planned this trip months ago and it’s for HIS sons birthday. I don’t feel I’m in the wrong. I’m that angry that I actually don’t even want him to come now. He commented that he hates the way I plan things ie days out with the kids in his days off and that he never gets anytime to himself. WELCOME TO MY LIFE! I do feel that he’s has become so utterly miserable it’s draining me.

AIBU?

Have you asked your DH what his problem is with your family? The 'jokes' , as you say, suggest that he doesn't want to socialise with them. Is he 'miserable' in other ways, too?

@Kathbrownlow yes I’ve asked him numerous times we’ve been together 10 years. I don’t remember him being this miserable. He just says he hasn’t got a problem says it’s me thinking that. But I genuinely do. Everytime I suggest going down he’s just says oh you don’t need me to come. Well no I suppose I don’t NEED him too but would like him too. Yes I feel he’s just got a miserable outlook on everything. Everything is such an effort. I’m actually questioning our relationship somewhat lately as I’m so drained

So is it your son's actual birthday on the day of that trip? Does he get any sort of input into how you celebrate his son's birthday?

No not his actual birthday. It the Friday after we but have an event the weekend of his birthday. Yes he gets an input. I asked him months ago about doing tbis for his birthday and he agreed. He even requested the day off specifically for the trip for his birthday.

I would be similarly unimpressed then. He agreed to it and made a commitment.

@2ndbestslayer I completely understand he wants to go out with his family. I would never attempt to stop that ever. However I just feel really annoyed that because the day has been changed which year is beyond both our control I’m being unreasonable. I suggested he could go any other date but he said no.

Well, let him go, I suppose. And have a think about what you want your future to look like. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days trying to chivvy along a miserable man? And always feeling sad that he doesn't want to be part of your family?

Let it go. Let him do his thing. Whatever was previously agreed, move on. Chill.

Just get on and enjoy your family’s trip without him.

But …. tuck his let/down up your sleeve and next time you are expected to perform with his family you know what to do!

@PashaMinaMio yes I understand that. And if it was just a generic day out I absolutely would. But it’s the fact it’s for our son’s bday preplanned he agreed to it and even requested the day off. Now we will be celebrating our son’s birthday and his dad will not be there. I also understand he’s only 2 and will be none the wiser however I and the rest of my family will be!

He didn’t plan his family trip for this date - and to be fair, initially you didn’t realise the date was significant either. So now he’s committed to both - he never wanted to be with your family anyway - so just let it go. Why do you want him to do something you know he’ll hate?

My ex used to hate doing things with my family and would make snide comments if I wanted to do something with them. He would often be the only partner who didn't come and I felt awkward because everyone would ask where he was. I would usually make up an excuse and say he was working. He would often refuse to come and on time occasions he did come, he would be miserable and it was very noticeable to everyone.

What's your husband like when he is in the company of your family? Is he pleasant? My ex seemed very jealous/resentful of my relationship with my Mum. There were times I wouldnt see my Mum because of his mood. I left him 4 years ago because I was fed up of how miserable he was and life has been a million times better. Both my parents have now died and I wish I'd ignored my ex long before.

If my husband behaved like that he’d be told to get a grip or fuck off. Being a parent isn’t an on and off thing- It’s his child and his family with you and that should be the priority every time.

I would ask him
Did you say to your family 'great it's being rescheduled, these are the days I'm free, these are the days I have commitments'

If they chose one where he's busy then they don't really want him there (sounds like he hasn't been considered at all in the planning) and you and your toddler ARE his family (for now at least if you don't leave him!) so he should prioritize the family who want him there.

Ask How does he think your son will feel when all the other dads are there celebrating his bday and his own dad CHOSE not to be there? If this continues your son will work him out and drop him entirely when he's older.

He's not acting like an adult. Deeply unattractive behaviour. I would seriously consider asking him if he'd prefer to parent 'every other weekend' and not do anything at all as a family of three with extended families and see how he responds. If he makes any jokes about that being better remember that often a true word is said in jest.

For perspective, my friend has three kids and a new ish boyfriend who spent all day chit chatting with her relatives and attending her kids religious event- we make effort with people we loves families if we want to be a part of that family. He puts your partner to shame, both as a partner and as a father.

Chill out about her partner and child's father ducking out of his own child's birthday trip to spend time with his own family who didn't even want him enough there to consult him about dates?!
I don't think she should chill, the opposite, I think she should be much angrier

Also, my friends new boyfriend - lots of the family were commenting on how he's so much nicer and firendlier than the ex, getting involved with the kids playing football etc - you could be so much happier than you are now and have a partner who loves your family, just saying

I do wonder why his family weren’t invited to your son’s birthday event in the first place? Why are you keeping it separate?