Forgive or move on ?

[Betnextgen74]

My mother died very suddenly 5 years ago. I loved her very much but we didn’t have a close relationship mainly because my dad was controlling and a bitter man.
when she died I looked after my dad a lot despite this. i found my moms will one day as he left it out by mistake ( yes maybe I should not have read it ) and she / they had disinherited me many years before, and my children. Leaving everything to my sibling.

At the time my husband was incredibly poorly and I was dealing with that also.
i immediately cut my dad off as I could not have anything to do with someone who repeatedly hurt me ( over 20 years issues )and clearly didn’t value my presence. I genuinely thought he’d apologise….. never came. He died 18 months later. Absolutely no regrets over the no contact - he was narcissistic.

However I am now still struggling with the fact my sibling knew about the will all along, was clearly duplicitous and has clearly inherited everything.

it’s now a few years on and no matter hard I try I can’t forgive him. I can’t trust him anymore and so many people have said they’d go no contact with him as he should have shared things anyway. He didn’t speak to dad for years over something to did to their family a decade go ! So he knows how difficult he was. He has admitted most of my parents attitude towards me was because they hated my in laws. Not because of anything I’d done.

The actions of my parents has completely destroyed my ability to trust people and I have to say has wounded my heart forever
The people who created you writing you out of their last message to you will inflict that kind of pain.

so should I go no contact with my sibling or carry on seeing him sometimes ?

I'm sorry to learn that you've had such a tough time over the years.

What your parents decided to do with their estate is nothing to do with your brother - their decision. You say that he knew that you'd been disinherited, but if he'd told you what difference would that have made? I wouldn't hold it against him.

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues & may benefit from some counselling. You may also be depressed. I suggest that you have a chat with your GP in the first place.

Good luck, I'm sure that things will improve for you. 😘

If your parents had an issue with your inlaws, they probably only disinherited you to make sure their money didn't ultimately go to them. Try to see it as them disinheriting your inlaws, not you.
Your brother has nothing to do with it. If you have a relationship with him, don't let your father rob you of that too.

my in laws are really old and therefore monies would never go to them. It was a punishment for me I’m afraid and they also treated our children differently while they were alive. They brother knew this too ….. accepted the £2k for his kids cars and knew we got nothing 😳

I have had counselling but I still feel the same unfortunately. Past or recovering after trauma is ultimately protecting yourself from any more unavoidable trauma.

my sibling lives talking about money and every time he dies I just feel that he has no sensitivity that he inherited. We haven’t ever inherited a penny ….. worked for everything we have

many thanks for your concern but I really don’t think I’m depressed. I’m just very hurt.

Was your dad's issue with your husband too? Maybe he didn't want his estate being left to him should you pre-decease him...?

Don’t pretty things up. Its a betrayal of the reality of narcissistic abuse.

I’d be pissed too, your brother was happy to swan off and let you take care of your dad knowing you were disinherited. Very convenient for him. Did he help your mum at all?

OP I just want to say I feel for you.

There are kind people out there in the world, please don't let these bad ones blind you to that.

To answer your real question: get into therapy and explore your experience of being the dutiful daughter to a narcissistic abuser and his helpless, enabling, wife. You have received many blows as the child of this pair. She didn’t protect you, you served her loyally, snd at his behest she disinherited you in favour of the golden child brother. He has continued the abuse by accepting the inheritance with no thought for you. Stop accepting vile treatment as your due. These people never reform.

how much did your brother inherit? Ask him for a share. If he says no, ignore him.

I'd drop him without a second thought.

If you had a relationship worth saving, then you wouldn't be asking the question, because he'd have already given you half the inheritance, as a caring brother wanting to right some of the wrongs of the past.

I would forgive him, but I'd never speak to him again. Forgiveness is not a reset button (although people who mistreat others always treat it that way), particularly where no apology has been forthcoming. It is a recognition that the person owes you nothing, the 'debt' is cleared, and the grudge is gone. It's a letting go of the need for things to be different, and an acknowledgement that given the person he is, he couldn't have acted any other way.

It doesn't negate the fact that he can never be a person who brings joy, care or love into your life - and these are the only people worth making effort for.

Forgive and move on.

My parents were not well off - less than 100k I’d imagine but it’s far more about the sentiment to me
my brother also asked us for money for moms funeral when he knew we’d been disinherited
All scheming behaviour in my view

TBF mt brother did help my dad when my mom died. We both did but can’t help thinking how convenient it all was that I’d go over every week, clean, do shipping and take him out for lunch when he knew they’d cut us off

my dad has done loads of awful things over the years. Leaving visible messages on the phone when his Father’s Day card and present didn’t arrive on the day and the like. Later arrived ( post office delay ) still no apology despite all the upset

I strongly believe my dad was a narcissist. My brother was the golden child ( as is often the case in these situation ) and I was the scapegoat / black sheep.

the fact that my brother doesn’t see this is hurtful

i don’t think any more counselling will change the facts of the matter. It is what it is. However I need to find a peace within myself and constantly do what suits others. I’ve done far too much of that over the years

No I would not pre-decease my husband. He’s older. Unless I go first !😳

Dad wanted control/ power and my brother enabled this by accepting it yet wants a relationship with me. He wants it all I guess….

part of wanting a relationship with me probably related to my children and his. They are not close but do have a basic relationship and my children ( now adults ) are certainly the types of people you would want your adult children to mix with. They are both loyal, decent, kind and hardworking.

I would go no contact. If that happened in my family of course i’d share the inheritance. It’s not like he did everything and deserved it. I’d tell him why I was going no contact too. Sorry OP that’s really shitty.

Forgiveness is a gift for you. You can be no contact and forgive him.

Your dad was vile and with your brother it seems like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I would suggest that you avoid contact with him from now on, and if you haven't already had counselling to deal with your traumatic childhood and the abuse you suffered (and the ongoing abuse and betrayal since), then perhaps it is time to do so.