Interracial Age Gap Relationship - Worried it's a bad idea

[1PercentWazzock]

I'm a white 47 year old man dating a 34 year old Black South African woman. I have an 11 year old son and she has a 10 year old son.

Until this relationship I have only dated women close to my own age both older and younger and felt critical of age gap relationships. My sons mother suggested I consider a wider age range when dating (We are great friends and separated 9 years ago)

I think my girlfriend is beautiful, engaging, kind and funny.

I am worried that the age gap and cultural differences are too much.

We have also talked about having a child together. I love being a dad and am an engaged coparent for my son.

Equality is important to me. I don't want to be dominant or control or limit my partner.

I'm hoping people can share advice on the whether the relationship and having a child is a bad idea.

Your post is confusing.

I don't want to be dominant or control or limit my partner.

Is this a prerequisite of being in a relationship with her? I don't understand who is forcing you to be abusive.

Regarding having more children, it doesn't sound like you've been together long enough to make such a decision. I wouldn't want a baby at nearly 50 but that's entirely your decision if you can afford more children and feel you have the energy to start parenting again.

SA has a very mixed demographic with different ethnicities so it's difficult to judge regarding culture. You're right to be wary as clashing values can ruin a relationship and make it difficult to parent.

Thank you for your reply.

My girlfriend is Tswana.

I referred to not controlling or limiting my partner because this seems to be a common and often valid criticism of dating a woman significantly younger.

I am an annoyingly left wing person who finds a power imbalance within a relationship abhorrent.

I've never heard that being dominating or controlling was part of an age gap relationship. Surely that only refers to people who choose much younger partners because they're abusive.

I'm sure she has similar liberal values to you or you wouldn't be attracted to her. However that's part of getting to know someone; discovering their values and beliefs.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am dating my girlfriend despite, not because of her age.

I always counsel being together for at least two years before committing. It takes as least that long for the lust and excitement phase to die down.
How long have you been together? What are the practicalities? Where would you live? Does she have a visa/Britsh citizenship? What about the father of her child?
It’s a big age gap which can cause issues when you get to about 60. I also think you are pretty old to be thinking of a new baby. Plus it can be very upsetting for existing children.
What is causing you to worry about the future now? Are there practical decisions that need to be made?

There is an inherent power imbalance in age gap relationship due to one partner having more life experience. There is also always a power imbalance between men and women. And then on top of that, you are a white man dating a black woman.

Over the age of 30, the difference in life experience is less of a concern but I do actually think it is a good thing you are aware of it.

You can keep an eye on yourself. In arguments does she become quiet. Do you always get the last word? Do you notice she defers to you too often?

I am sadly ignorant to her culture, but is it a broadly patriarchal one? Has she been raised in a misogynistic environment and would that shape her ability to stand up to you?

I am in an age gap relationship and for about 8 years of our relationship he did have more power and he abused that. Not consciously, but his life was easier because I had little relationship experience and he could run rings around me. He wasn't motivated to push me to have a voice.

When I found my voice, he had to adjust. We now have an amazing relationship, because we did some seriously hard work. But he had to make a lot of changes.

Does she or is she likely to want to spend much time in South Africa eg. Visiting family and friends? My concern would be pressure to ever move back there, especially once she has children and might want family around her. How would you cope with 2 children from 2 mothers living in 2 different continents? Would you want your two children to grow up close ideally? After having a child everything changes and she won’t be able to predict how. What about if family there get ill etc. Her mother is seriously unwell and she has a toddler with you while your son is doing his GCSEs - All kinds of potential for mess. You’ll start aching and enjoying a quiet boring life while she’s still full of energy and wants to go out. You’ll be mid 60s with a teenager who might spend half his time in SA while your mid 20 year old is struggling to find a job. Etc etc. Could you afford to support someone needing frequent long haul flights with a child?

Kids of all ages need hands on support and guidance - for me the age gap and different nationality is a bigger risk, although the different race might exacerbate any problems- kid could legitimately claim you don’t understand what it’s like, could harbour resentment against your son etc etc.

Sorry - not what you wanted to hear!! You’re right to question it though- life is complicated and difficult enough without those 4 additional factors (age, race, nationality, your child).