Hi,
I have a bit of a difficult relationship with my parents, and I'm not really sure where to go from here in terms of their relationship with my son.
Growing up, I always had a good relationship with them, but I've always been quite independent and moved away at the age of 19. Since then, I've lived and worked in various countries, and I suppose we grew apart a little and we wouldn't see each for a few months at a time.
Last year in May, I had my first baby, who was born prematurely at 29+2 and was in intensive care. He stayed in NICU for 7 weeks. Prior to his birth, I was in hospital for a week and a half and was told I wouldn't be leaving until my son was born (I had severe pre-eclampsia). My parents didn't visit me or offer to visit after I was admitted. They had been due to visit in July, which would have originally been before the baby was born as he was due in August. They live around a 4 hour drive away, so I understand it's quite far, but they are both retired. My mum is 62 and my dad is 68, so still have life in them and they both drive/have their own car.
I was a little disappointed they didnt want to come and see me when I was admitted as I was very ill, but at the time I had bigger things to worry about, like trying to keep the baby in as long as possible! However, when my son was delivered by emergency c-section and was in NICU, I would have expected them to come. He was born at the end of May, and when I mentioned about them visiting, they said they probably wouldn't be able to come any sooner than July (the original trip they had planned). Only when I asked a second time a couple of weeks later, did they say they supposed they could change their trip and move it forward, which they did. Long story short (or we could be here a while!), they have done stuff like this a couple of times where they haven't seemed too interested in coming and then when I bring it up, there is always an excuse. For example, they said they couldn't come when my son was born as they were on holiday in Yorkshire and couldn't just leave, despite them actually being back home when I first asked them if they would want to visit. They did make the effort at Christmas and got an Airbnb, but more recently, they came to stay for two weeks, staying around 50 mins away from us so they could see my son for his first birthday but only saw him the once the whole time they were here. I only have access to a car on certain days due to one vehicle in our house which is also used for work by my partner and there were no direct trains to them. They can't come to our house as they have two very naughty dogs who aren't trained and chased our cats around the one time they did visit. It was chaos so I've said in the future we need to meet elsewhere. We had planned to go to them on a day when I had the car, but they decided to leave early as one dog wasn't well and they wanted to take them to their normal vet back home. When I mentioned to them that I was disappointed they were here almost two weeks and only saw my son once, they said "same here, you said we can't come over anymore with the dogs so we weren't invited by you". I had no offer of help with the baby or offers of a visit (despite us staying nearby them for a few days in March and actively making plans with them every single day of our holiday). What really got me was when they were on holiday in Yorkshire, they couldn't leave early to come and meet their grandchild who was in NICU on oxygen and born a tiny 2lb, but when their dog is ill, they're quite happy to end their holiday to get home ASAP to see their vet.
Now I don't know where to go from here. My sister has said about us going to hers and inviting them as it's closer for them. But I feel like I really am done with making any effort now as it doesn't feel like it's returned (other than the one time at Christmas). I obviously love my parents and want them to have a relationship with my son, but I'm so infuriated with them and it's causing me so much stress and upset. When I post photos on social media of him, they comment about how they love him and can't wait to see him again, but their actions say otherwise.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do I just bite my tongue moving forward and try to still see them as much as possible or do I take a step back and see if they initiate anything for once? I hate this situation! Whenever I try to bring it up, they are full of excuses or try to swing it onto me, and don't seem to take onboard anything I'm saying : (