Help me unpack this date

[pinkcatsnapping]

I’m trying online dating but I find it really confusing and not sure I really read people or situations very well. I’ve only met with two people in the last six months as I’m quite cautious about getting involved with someone. I went on about five dates with one guy and I got to like him over this time. On date one he was talking about going on holiday abroad together which i was surprised at, is this what people do? I tend to move much more slowly and cautiously. On the next couple of dates he spoke about going away overnight somewhere which I would have been ok with. Date 5 we slept together and I stayed the night and we spent the next day together. He had a problem staying erect and was obviously disappointed with this but i made it clear it wasn’t an issue for me and we still had fun. Anyway, when i got home, over the next few days I barely heard from him, prior to this we were messaging frequently throughout the day. I asked if everything was ok, he mentioned he was struggling that he hadn’t been able to perform and was feeling pretty bad about it. I again tried to be reassuring, did he want to talk, did he need space, just let me know etc but after more silence and limited messaging i said that i was getting the impression he didn’t want to continue this, and he pretty much said sorry but yes, but let’s stay in touch. I think it’s a shame as we seemed to get on, but maybe for him he didn’t really feel that way. I’m not really sure what I’m asking, part of me is wondering if it was just sex and then I was ghosted or is he being genuine about feeling bad, I find it so difficult to read people and although we are not seeing each other any more I would like to feel I understood his intentions so that I can trust my insisting a bit more in future.

Maybe he just didn’t fancy you enough. I really wouldn’t bother picking it apart too much - tbh he sounds a bit insecure if he’s felt bad about not being able to perform and gone silent etc, so maybe he’s not the best catch anyway.

Sounds like he feels bad about what happened and just wants to run anyway from you/the situation.

He was embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk about it. Sounds like love bombing as well. No one plans a holiday on a first date. You’re better off out of there.

Men often don’t like confronting difficult emotions. If he feels embarrassed then maybe the contact with you just reminds him of the embarrassment and it’s too much to handle. Sounds like you did nothing wrong and dealt with it really well.

Thank you for replying, it is much appreciated. Yes I don’t want to spend too much time on it. although it’s difficult getting used to feelings of rejection again after all this time and when I thought this might have had potential, but wanted to check I had understood the situation properly. I know I can be quite naive at times! :)

I don’t believe erection issues in men tend to have anything to do with not fancying someone enough… It’s generally anxiety, stress or an underlying health issue.

The fact he’s taken his “performance” issue so badly despite your reassurance isn’t a good sign. He’s in a vicious loop of anxiety and stress that he needs to resolve.

Correct. This one definitely had issues though - best off with him gone.
If you want to avoid feelings of rejection - you need to get more picky, notice the red flags, don’t jump into bed until you know them.

@OneLemonGuide I think there was definitely attraction and he did say he was nervous and then got inside his head. I was surprised it was such a big deal as to not see each other anymore, although I don’t mean to be dismissive either but I just felt it could be a one off or we could work it out, think that’s why i was starting to think maybe i had misread it all and he had just gone off me. But yes he said in a message he needs to work on things in himself so you may be right.

This is one of the times I'd really hate to be a man. I can absolutely understand why he wouldn't want to talk to you again afterwards through sheer embarrassment. I'm not saying he's right to feel embarrassed but I can understand him feeling that way

The talk about going on holiday together on date one would make me think he’s a faker just to make you he wants more than sex. I wouldn’t take someone seriously about holiday chats so early. Perhaps his performance also embarrassed him also but I’m leaning towards him just wanting one thing and he made his performance the reason.