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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

anyone been through a trial separation and come out stronger?

18 replies

smallparcel · 22/05/2008 13:40

this is a long story, but basically dh had a nervous breakdown, had a brief emotional affair with a woman 10 yrs younger, and we split up. He called me up in a dire situation, and I came back to help him, and I thought to work on 'us' again. I forgave him everything. And he said he still loves me etc etc.
But he is still talking about having a trial separation. He says he needs his space, and is unsure about 'us'.
But after having gone through so much heartache recently, I cant go on in limbo, wondering whether to get on with my own life or whether he will come back.
And I really want us to stay together - we used to be very strong and w ehave been together a very long time, but things went pear shaped after we had our first child (now 18 months old). I want to work on our marriage, but cant deal with letting him go and wondering whether he will come back. I want to fight for this.

Any experiences?

OP posts:

stirlingmum · 22/05/2008 13:45

Sorry, have no advice but will be watching as this may be something we have to do because my h is also saying he doesn't know what he wants.
The way I feel at the moment I may demand that we separate for a bit to see how we feel because he is really messing me about

Original poster

smallparcel · 22/05/2008 13:51

you sound very strong stirlingmum
the thing is that I KNOW I want to work on it - we were separated a week and I came out of that knowing I still wanted to be with him, despite everything he has put me through.
Its all well and good saying let him work out his head, but I am also thinking of ME here and being stuck in a limbo of wanting to be with him, but unsure of whether to (and not wanting to) start building a new life for myself.

OP posts:

bubblagirl · 22/05/2008 13:53

sorry you are going through this it would appear his depression is making him feel inadequate and not knowing what he wants

i would say for your own sanity have the break and make sure he seeks all help for his depression

but it will bring you down and you may even start to resent him

the space for him to work on himself and also for you to work on yourself could do you both the world of good

living with somone who doesnt know if they want to be there can make you feel awful so tell him to get some space and remember you havent done anything wrong but to truly work on yourself you have to be away from the ones you are hurting

good luck xx

stirlingmum · 22/05/2008 15:05

smallparcel - Sometimes I feel strong and others not.
Not sure how long ago your problems started but my h's affair was uncovered 6 months ago and since then I have gone to hell and back.

I have felt that I really want this to work but all I can get out of h is "i'm not sure what I want".

The trouble is you get to the point that bubblagirl said where it will bring you down and you start to resent him - I think that is where I am now.

I believe that he wants ME to make the decision and kick him out. Maybe that would stop him feeling so guilty especially about the dc.

HappyWoman · 22/05/2008 15:37

That is so unfair - but stirling mum i think you are right that he wants you to make the decision for him - my h did this. I never did throw him out, left of his own accord (but giving the excuse that it was unfair on me and he didnt really know what he wanted). It is hard but i think you have to 'push' them to make a commitment to either have a break (and accept that you may have moved on before he comes back) or to commit 100% to the relationship and accept that it will not be easy.

That is the only way that you can get peace - because if it carries on like this you will always be wondering if this is really what he wants.

Stirlingmum I do think your H is following a similar pattern to others i have seen and wonder if the ow is really completly off the scene?

stirlingmum · 22/05/2008 15:53

Hi HW, hope you are well!

I think you are right HW, the ow may still be on the scene.

What is so hurtful is that, previously we had promised that no matter what, we would be honest with each other throughout this mess, but when I ask if he is in contact he says NO when I KNOW the answer is yes.

I think making a decision either way would just be a relief for me as living like this does you no good at all.

HappyWoman · 22/05/2008 15:59

You must - if you know he has been dishonest you must carry through the threat otherwise he will know he can get away with it.

You will be in a strong place - i know and my h now know that if there is any contact however innocent that he does not tell me about it will be it, that is not what i want but that is now the rules and so if he cant repect me then there is no hope.

Good luck SM - if you want to cat me please do, but please do not allow yourself to feel so unworthy that you will accept his lies - you are better than that (however fantastic he is).

stirlingmum · 22/05/2008 16:08

Thanks HW x

You are making me blub now!

stirlingmum · 22/05/2008 16:09

Sorry smallparcel - Hopefully someone will have more advice this evening

MyHeadIsSpinning · 22/05/2008 16:49

smallparcel no advice but I have been going through hell with my DH under similar circumstances (birth of first child, him not knowing what he wants etc) and just wanted to offer you my sympathies - it is soooo difficult being in limbo - wanted to move out cos not sure he loved me etc. Just found out this weekend that he has been having (at least) an emotional affiar with a woman he works with.

We are going to counselling but it is so raw at the moment and I do want to make it work - RL friends that know have said that there must have been sex involved. I really want that not to be the case and think I believe him but have believed that there was no one else and there was. He has lied and lied and I really do not know what I believe any more.

We talked about a trial seperation and he even looked at accomodation but we decided not to go down that route. That was before I found out about the OW and now feel that had he gone this may have been the green light to it becoming sexual if it hasn't already.

Original poster

smallparcel · 22/05/2008 18:11

myheadisspinning - a very similar situation to me then.

so we are now sorting out the finances. transferring his debts into his name, cancelling the household payments from my account, setting up maintenance.

It is heartbreaking. I really dont want this, but cant see what I can do. tbh I am beginning to really dislike him, as someone who can have so little respect for their partner that they cant be arsed to work on their marital problems.

I still love him, and dont want this, I just cannot see my future as a single mum.

OP posts:

advice · 22/05/2008 21:36

I have no long term experience as my husband moved out only a month ago (against my wishes) but I did read a really good book which suggested only thinking two weeks in advance. Wheever I start thinking about my long term future (eg don't want to be a single parent, how will I cope when he gets re-married etc etc) I get panicked and overwhelmed. By breaking things down to the next two weeks I feel more in control. Hope it helps. Big hug.

stirlingmum · 22/05/2008 23:07

I know what you mean, smallparcel, you do start to dislike them for putting your and the dc through something just because they dont know what they want!!

I do believe they do know what they want but dont have the balls to say it.

Out of interest, is your dh an only child or a youngest?? It is just that I have a theory on this...

Original poster

smallparcel · 23/05/2008 14:02

well he has gone. He left me, the dog and our son, and f*ed off. Arsehole.
Funny thing is, is I lost it and wanted to get away for a few days myself. I packed my bag and got ready to go, but, NO, he couldnt cope with everything himself. So its ok for him to do it, but not for me.
He wants to be in a band again, he wants time to be creative, he wants to feel how he used to feel (at 19?). He totally doesnt realise that actually, dont we ALL want that? But having a job and a family means you have to make sacrifices.
What a knob.

OP posts:

stirlingmum · 23/05/2008 16:05

That's so sad

I know sometimes the mum leaves but it still amazes me that dads can just up and leave. Some people just can't take the responsibility.

I know it isn't the outcome that you wanted but maybe now you can start to rebuild you life without the knob your h.

You are right, we all would love to be 19 again but know that we have responsibilities and have to face up to them.

I truly hope that you and your ds are ok. Take care x

anothermum92 · 23/05/2008 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stirlingmum · 23/05/2008 22:00

Hi AM92 - you sound like you are in a much better place now. Isn't it amazing, all these ups and downs!!
Take Care

Original poster

smallparcel · 24/05/2008 14:11

I feel a lot better today. I went out with friends last night and had a good time, with mum babysitting.
I am currently feeling like it is his loss. Tbh I always felt I was doing everything anyway, so apart from being lonely in the evenings and money being tighter I dont suppose it will really have much impact. (I say that now ). And I wont have to fight for him to help me, I will just havto accept that I have to do things on my own.
I am also rethinking moving, and thinking of pulling out of our house sale and staying here.

So a more positive day today...

OP posts:

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