Never 'the one' - give me hope?

[starr1234]

I am 35 years old and recently another relationship where I had strong feelings for someone who didn't feel the same came to an end. This makes it the third relationship where it has gone this way, that i've been more invested than they have in the end.

Its so hard not to take it personally and feel like I need either a makeover 'glow up' or personality transplant!! To make it to this age and for no one to have fallen for me in the way I do them.

Has anyone been in my position? Always rejected and then finally, someone dedicated and who loves you back comes along? Feel like not bothering with dating ever again at this point but would like the chance to have kids. 😞

Sorry to hear but you don't have to change anything about you, you just haven't found "the one" don't worry about it thats how relationships work sometimes. We always end up blaming ourselves but other people remind you that you are terrific. What can I say that worked for me doesn't always work for everyone else. What I finally did after dating men that were not emotionally available I spoke to the universe or God if you are a believer, and took a break on dating deleted all the dating apps. And when I was ready I reconnected with someone from my past that I wasn't sure of but he turned out to be awesome. Just give yourself the chance to get to know the person you are dating especially their intentions or just go with the flow and to remember to trust your gut (watch out for the red flags), because not everyone is looking for the same. Also men and women are built/think differently. I wish you a lot of luck and don't be hard on yourself.

I know when you meet someone that you think is the one, and it ends, it’s heartbreaking. Even if you’re the one leaving.
Don’t change anything about yourself, you’ll find someone who loves you just for you.
But you could probably get better at noticing the signs that you’re not in the same place a little earlier, and leaving before you’re too heartbroken.
Take pressure off yourself, don’t get too invested too soon, that’ll likely send you down a rabbit hole if you’re consciously on a time limit to have kids.
Do things you enjoy, you might meet someone great when you’re least expecting it. You have time.

Thank you, was hoping to hear stories from people who have been in this situation, it really helps. I guess it's just me then?

I’ve definitely been in your situation, but if you’re holding out hope of a happy ending yourself by hearing other people’s stories, how helpful is it? That’s not your story.
Keep your standards high or you’ll be back here in a few years posting like many women about how awful their partners are. A bad relationship is far worse than where you are now.

Can I guess, OP, that you’re attractive, independent, intelligent, have friends and a social life, and don’t let them all go when a man comes along?

I'm not too sure but what I do know is that friends are important to me, so no, I never let them go when a man comes along. And I continue to do my own thing and having a partner is a 'bonus'. But as I say, they never want to commit.

They don’t want to commit because they don’t like that you have your own life and your own stuff going on. Do you find they love bomb you at first and then withdraw?

@starr1234 can you honestly say these men were the ones for you, or do you just want them to see you as 'the one'? If this is the third one, id ask myself what am I seeing in these men that's so appealing to me. Are you a good fit truly? Are you picking emotionally unavailable men?

I always had low self esteem and wanted to be adored/put on a pedestal yet a therapist told me i go for broken men who naturally do this rather than find my self esteem within. The relationships didn't end up working out because actually fundamentally we weren't suited. Several really loved me but still it didn't work out.

Personally if I wanted children, I'd follow my best friend's route, went hard core dating for 5 years, but was very focused on the type of man she wanted.

It might be time to reflect on this pattern you've found yourself in. Usually it's clear when someone isn't as invested for example, they don't initiate contact or dates, they don't pull their weight, they don't prioritise you.

It's rare that someone is 100% committed then dumps you with no warning. Are you refusing to recognise red flags? You'll regret settling.

I think this is an incredibly universal feeling

I have sat and cried and asked " why will no nobody love me? / why aren't I enough? / why am I unlovable?"
I have also watched a few of my funny kind smart high earning good looking friends sit opposite me and do the same.

It's so hard to meet someone.

I was online dating aggressively (as its basically a numbers game) for 3 years
Before I met dh at 34.5.im talking a part time job... i spent 16-24 hours per week, every week, finding and going on dates.

I rarely did more than 2 dates unless I really felt a connection or saw a future... and even then there were 6 or 7 guys who either messed me around or it didn't pan out with. There were red flags a plenty for a couple which I ignored 🙈
I got very particular about the type of husband/father i was looking for

Might be irrelevant but, when I've had friends who've felt like this, it turned out they were developing 'strong feelings' for the wrong man essentially.

By that, I mean that rather than taking time to really get to know someone and really considering whether the man was right for them, they fell in love with the newness of it all, the idea of being in love and with the potential that this might be 'the one' - all the fluff.

Then they'd turn the man's flaws back on themselves. Eg if he cheated, or didn't want to commit, or just weren't feeling it, they asked, "What is wrong with me?"

When the answer was there was nothing wrong with them beyond trying to make it work with a man who ticked some of their basic boxes - had a decent job, was clean and well presented (what ever that looked like to them), had friends who loved them, were close to their family etc but completely ignored basic incompatibilities like opposing values, attitudes towards women in general, incompatible interests, lifestyle, life goals, just whether they clicked on a deeper level.or not etc.

Women who reject men for those things are often labelled 'too picky' but many women invest more time, and have more criteria for, buying a house or choosing a career than they put into choosing a life partner to share all those things with.

Rather than hoping a man will decide you are the one for him, really consider whether he is 'the one'for you. Because its very unlikely that all.three of these men were absolutely right for you.