I don't know what to do

[dazedandblue]

Changed named for this as it's the first time I'm actually speaking about this and don't want it connected to any of my other posts.

DH and I have been together 13 years, married almost 7 and have one young DC.

We are very good when it comes to splitting childcare and ensuring DC has a stable home and good routines. However, we also have very different ways of parenting in some instances that are not compatible and he doesn't want to address it.

We also are good when it comes to watching a show together in the evening or a chat about our day, but it feels like we've become more like roommates, friends, or siblings. He will still pick me up things from the store without asking so I can tell he still cares.

But it's like we've just drifted apart. We want different things and there seems to be no compromise. He likes life the way it is and thinks it is great and I think something has to give. We haven't had sex in about 5 years (I had asked over the years but he didn't want to, so over time I stopped initiating). I know this isn't due to ED or low testosterone, he still masturbates. However, as the years have progressed it's also become so clear to me on how little sexual compatibility and intimacy we have, which is important to me in a relationship.

Most importantly, over the years I think I've sort of grown to resent him. For example, he gets so angry quickly (nothing abusive or physical) but for example someone cuts in a queue and his automatic reaction is to say he's going to go punch the guy.

I've tried to speak to him about how I feel we've become like roommates, about sex, about anger issues, but he doesn't want to talk about it and brushes it off. He doesn't want to go to couples counselling, Or tells me I'm nagging him or I don't support his opinion on the matter (like wanting to punch someone who cut the line).

We've just ended up with disagreements and arguments and I've found myself slowly resenting him, starting to drink more alcohol and comfort eat to cope and numb myself. I always thought this was due to the stress of my job but I'm starting to think differently.

I'm in my 30s, this cannot be my life for the next 50+ years!
I'm at such a loss of what to do. On paper it's not that bad as he isn't abusive, he is a good dad, we still get along, we can have a laugh, and I think he generally thinks we have an amazing life.

The thought of leaving has started to cross my mind, but it's a huge step into the unknown while we have so much to sort through, like mortgage, house I love, DC, dog, it would deplete my savings and god knows what else.

I am the higher earner and work full time - for context.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I was intending to keep it brief.
And I don't really know what I expect for putting this post out into the open.
But it feels so good to finally get it off my chest as I haven't told anyone about it.

I'm not from the UK (but have lived here for years) and most of my friends have moved away to other cities or countries and my 'home friends' of course live in my native country. So I feel very alone with no one to talk to.

It sounds to me like you are starting to realise that you are unhappy with the relationship. This doesn’t seem to be a snap decision as you have made moves towards improving it, which would be your preference. But sadly he won’t join you in this.

You are also starting to realise that life is long and you have other options. It will probably take a bit more time of sitting with these realisations until you work out your next moves. You don’t need to rush. You just need to know that you are not a bad person for wanting in more in life. And you don’t have to have a physically abusive partner in order to want more. All the best.

5 years no sex? I wonder if he’s cheating tbh

You can't have a relationship by yourself, you need someone who can communicate but he's shut down. He's not interested in meeting your needs.

You've barely had sex in your marriage which is completely unacceptable without a conversation. He's happy as a pig in muck while you're miserable.

I would get therapy for yourself in order to build your self esteem and assertiveness.

Not helpful. No reason to think it’s accurate.

What do you mean no reason? The reason is going that long without sex and without any issue with it, it would be likely that he is getting sex within the last 5 years.

Well unfortunately the relationship has reached it's natural lifespan it seems.

Most don't last forever and 13 years was a good run. Don't see it as failing. You got some good years from it and a child.

It's just, time to go.
Once resentment has entered and passion has left, there's not really any fixing it. One person can't fix things if the other person won't try. Especially if they don't even care that you are drowning.

Save yourself.

This is really helping - thank you all!
also finally being able to speak about it!

I just don’t know where to go next with this.
I guess I’ll try to talk to him about it

I feel like a terrible person!

Save yourselves and plan your exit from this sham of a marriage. Present this as a done deal to him. Talking to him otherwise is a waste of time and effort because he is not bothered.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?

How on earth can you write he is a good dad?. Denial is a powerful force . Women in poor relationships write that or similar when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man?. He is volatile both towards you people as outsiders; this is not a nice man at all. Read Dr Joe Carvers article called The Loser; that is your man.

I went to read the article but Joe Carvers, but the traits really don't sound like him.

But I do resonate with the fact that maybe the relationship reached its' natural lifespan (for me). I don't think he feels the same, but I guess it's because he is happy with his life as it is. I am not.

I guess I will try talk to him next weekend or the one after that (when we both don't have work the next day) about my feelings and see how it goes and hopefully he engages.

A hopeful bump

Check your messages

It sounds like you want to salvage the relationship - but you are unlikely to be able to do that on your own.
Set aside some time to have a talk together without interruptions and see if he will engage. I would also have a read up on effective communications first as it is easy to get emotional and make it sound like a 'blame game'.

Men do find it hard to talk about their emotions (in my limited experience) so don't give him too much to think about and give him time to process what you say - no threats or ultimatums - just try and have an honest discussion about where you both see yourselves, what could be improved upon and hopefully get a plan together to do something about it.
Its always worth trying and then trying again before calling it quits.

Good luck!

I'll check my messages today, thank you @NCtoavoidsniggering !

DH is working this weekend (while I work weekdays) so we haven't talked yet. It will likely be next weekend when we're both off.

I have definitely changed, as in, I'm not willing to put up with crap anymore and I am focussing on fertilising my own grass. And I think he has noticed. The atmosphere has shifted somehow in our house. It's not a positive shift, but neither a negative one. It's just this weirdness that is growing.

Which I take full responsibility for- it's the change in me that is causing it.
It's all making me feel a bit on edge now,

One of the things that a pp said above also has made me think a lot, and this isn't a type of relationship I'd want my DC to aspire or settle for.

It does feel like this is either the beginning of the end or then the kick up the arse we needed. However, at this moment in time, I care for him deeply but I don't think I feel attracted to him any more.

A random update:

Nothing has really changed.
We are just plodding along.
We spoke and had all these plans and they maybe lasted 3-4 weeks.

We haven’t been intimate and to some extent I just don’t see him like that anymore.
I have a friend who has just started divorce proceedings and DH told me it makes him sad, he doesn’t believe in it and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He told me he’d never go to a second marriage wedding (where I had to remind him we have already been to one for one of his best friends).

I don’t really know what to do. He hadn’t done anything drastically wrong and he supports in his own way, but I’m so exhausted. Exhausted about everything and being everyone’s god damn mother.

I think you do know what to do, OP. You might be seeking advice about how to go about it but you definitely know what you need to do.

You've described exactly what you are - roommates. And if one of you wants more and the other doesn't, you're incompatible. You could potentially remain friends if you wanted to but the writing is on the wall. Anger is SO, SO off-putting in a partner.

I have a friend who has just started divorce proceedings and DH told me it makes him sad, he doesn’t believe in it

Because he believes in long term male partners making no effort and in female partners doing everything? Nobody's told him it's not 1952?

To be brutally honest, I'd make plans to leave him. You are too young & life is too short for this misery.

I wouldn’t even know where to start.
My son adores him, divorce is so expensive and he’ll rinse me as I’m the main earner and I genuinely love our house.

and he’s in total denial

it feels like such a big mountain to climb

By the sounds of it, if you dont do it now you will be doing it somewhere along the line. Maybe in 5 years or in 25 years but you will do it. if he is not willing to meet you halfway and discuss this or even agree to some counselling together I'm not sure what you can do other than to prioritise your own life and happiness.

It is a big step. It's scary and people get hurt. But nothing worth doing is ever easy. Maybe go and have a chat with a solicitor and see where you would stand financially? Think about how you want to live, make a few plans for what your future would look like/how you would want it to look.

Could you perhaps have a separation first - a break away from each other and allow things to settle. You say your friends and family are not in this country. Could you take a couple of weeks holiday and visit them, talk to people you trust and then see how you feel.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do.

I think you're right. I think it's incoming eventually, I just don't know when!

I just don't know where to start. In a weird sense I feel we need each other during DS's primary years and schedule at the moment. Also he seems so adamant he doesn't believe in divorce and doesn't even want to talk about it.

But also I wonder if being alone will be any better.
It just feels like a lot.

It is a lot to take on board and think about. I probably had similar thoughts for about two years before I eventually walked away for good.
I think I read somewhere that the average victim of domestic abuse attempts to leave ten times before they actually do it. That's because there is so much to consider and it is scarier leaping into the unknown than staying with the familiar, even though we know it isn't good for us. I think that applies to non abusive relationships also - we have to consider all the implications and the consequences of our actions before we actually act.

Maybe if you are staying put for a while, it may help you to have someone to talk to face to face that can help you to navigate your feelings and try to keep you mentally healthy through it all? I started seeing a therapist three months before I eventually walked away and she was very helpful - in practical and psychological ways. I was a bit of a 'Billy No Mates' as my friends were all miles away.

Whatever you decide to do and whenever you decide to do it is just fine - it has to be right for you. Sometimes that moment comes when you least expect it and have no plans for it - you just know that this is it.

Good luck with it all and sending lots of positive vibes your way.