Feel like a fool

[Northerngirl38]

No judgement please and I know the answer and what to do, I just need to get this off my chest as I don't really have any one I can talk to. I started an affair with a married man about a year and a half ago, yes I know i should know better. I fell for the usual bullshit of they are just together for the kids and sleeping in separate rooms and I did take what he was saying with a pinch of salt. But then he started saying he loved me and he wanted to be with me properly and again I took it with a pinch of salt but he was consist with tell me how he felt, making an effort for us to have a real time together, I had a family situation and he supported me through it when he could have just walked away if he didn't genuinely feel anything for me so I let my guard down and started allowing myself to get feelings for him too. Then he said something that made me question what he had told me about not having sex with his wife anymore and I questioned him about it. He then admitted to me last night that they have had sex just once according to him, I don't believe that and she's now pregnant and baby is due in August. He said she only told him a few months ago probably out of spite because their relationship was bad but she couldn't hide it anymore. I'm not believing anything that he is saying, for me if your marriage was a bad as he was saying it was then you would be making sure you weren't bringing any more babies into it. I ended things as soon as he told me and blocked him and deleted his number. But I'm just heartbroken and not looking for sympathy because I know I got involved with a married man, I just don't have any friends or family I can talk to and I just needed to offload in a safe space thank you.

Mumsnet relationship board probably not a "safe space" for this.

Sorry you're feeling so low. He was a big old liar. At least you're out of it. His poor wife still stuck with him, eh? You've got the better end of the deal, tbh.

Thoughts and prayers 🙏

What a horrible, lying shit. You dodged a bullet longer term OP. Just be nice to yourself whilst you heal but please reflect on your boundaries. It will help you not put up with mediocre men that cheat on their wives.

I can't condone what you did, you knew that he was married. But sorry that you are so hurt darling. 😘

He was married.

It doesn’t matter at all about his ‘love less/sexless marriage’ he was married. You talk about taking it with a pinch of salt, so you KNEW it was most likely bs but you CHOSE to continue. You were party to him deceiving and lying to his wife and probably sleeping with him while she was pregnant or trying for a baby that’s awful, my heart goes out to her. A woman who clearly has a family and who you seem to be devoid of care for.

Do better next time seriously, leave married men alone, frame this as a serious lack of judgement and move onto a brighter future, not being dealt crumbs by a married man.

You were willing to do a bad thing to someone else to get what you wanted and it backfired 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you're ever tempted to go back to him, read over some of these threads from women who have been cheated on. They would break your heart, some of them live rent free in my head.
I struggle to have sympathy for you but do better next time and pray it never happens to you. He's a lying shit.

He's an asshole to you AND to his wife. I would let her know because I'm married and I would like to know if my DH cheated on me. This is the only thing you can give his wife: thé truth about what a scumbag she's living with.

All you can do is feel it for a while (and it will gradually feel less horrible) and take the lesson. Your spidey senses told you not to listen to him but you did and his persistence wore you down. Don’t be worn down by liars. They don’t have your interests at heart. You eventually did the right thing by blocking him. Now switch your bullshit detector back on and always pay attention to it in future.

It could be worse, you could be the one who is pregnant with him not want anything to do with you now. That would've been the result you know. A lot of marriages involves sex when the man is having an affair because the affair boosts his ego and he is happier and so more likely to have sex with his wife.

Lesson learnt I suppose? When you get together with a married man and believe him when he says he's a special case (not really married, we don't even have sex anymore blah blah blah), you will end up feeling "like a fool" won't you?

Anyway, I've never been cheated on or anything and I've never been the OW either, so no skin in this game, but don't do it again if you have any sense

Ps. Agree with others you have dodged a bullet there. Thank god you’re not the one who’s pregnant with his child and tied to him forever. You’re free to make better man choices and go on with your life and that is actually something to feel great about.

Did you never once think about his wife in all this OP? I despair at the amount of women who don't have other women's backs 🙄

Looking for a safe space on a public Internet forum?

At least you're not the one pregnant by a cheater. Small blessings and all that.

He’s clearly been shagging his wife the entire time and he would have knew about the pregnancy from day one. Why would his wife have hid it from her husband? She wouldn’t have.

Lesson learned OP.

And be thankful that you're not pregnant and married to a lying cheat.

She’s due in August and you only found out there was going to be a baby last night? Say that again to yourself and make it make sense. This is not because he “only found out himself a few months ago” it’s because that fact shows irrefutable evidence he’s been lying to you.

There’s a mantra about married men who cheat that you need to start living by…The one and only thing you know about them for sure is that they are proven liars…

Don’t look back with this one. When the baby comes along it won’t be long before he starts looking for attention from you again. You deserve so much more (so does the wife but it’s not her on here hurting and asking for support at this time) and you need to try to work out what you were getting, and more importantly what you weren’t getting from him. Once you know that for sure you’ll know what to look for in a partner.

Well done for blocking him. It's a fact that these people who are willing to lie to their spouse so readily will also happily lie to their affair partner. They have found that lying is the easiest way to get whatever they want without uncomfortable consequences so they continue to do it. Not someone you'd want to be in a relationship with so while I'm sorry you're hurting, you'll soon enough realise you're better off without him.

Sorry OP but I don't think you get to ask for no judgment when you've spent the past year and a half fucking someone else's lying cheat of a husband.

He turned out to be a liar? Well who on earth would have imagined that? 😳🙄

Block and please work of your self esteem and whatever drove you to want so little for yourself because you deserve to be loved for yourself and not by the sort of lying skank who would cheat on his wife.

PS Just read you'd blocked him since. Good for you!

I have a question. You said you had an affair. Does this mean you are also in a relationship or are you only referring to the fact that your ex-"partner" (for a lack of a better word) is married?

I don't think I can offer any words that will make you feel better in the short term. I guess all you can do is use this as a learning experience and perhaps get some therapy if it is available where you live.

His poor poor wife.

You need to accept that you were wildly naive.

Why would you think he was capable of lying to his wife every single day but would draw the line with you?

Men like him want a family and the thrill of an affair. You were perfect prey because you had stuff going on in your life and he positioned himself as your hero. He wasn’t going to walk away because it played right into his hands. He compartmentalised his life. No doubt he was a complete arse to his wife to justify it to himself and then reinforced that view with you.

What good man is cheating on his wife, gets her pregnant and then tells his lover she probably did it out of spite.

Be thankful you saw his true colours before you spent anymore of your life on this waste of space. Because even if his wife found out and dumped him, and he started an official relationship with you he would have done exactly the same thing to you. It’s not about how worthy you or his wife are, it’s about who he is at his core.

Now get some therapy so you can work out why you were willing to be given so little for so long.

Hiya so sorry to hear this. I've sent you a PM

It’s hardly surprising you have no one to talk to! There’s a lot of single men out there maybe try one that’s not attached next time or did you get ego boost out of thinking you are so sexy you could lure a man away from his wife and kids? I hope he does leave his wife for you, you both should be kept away from hurting any other people.

@Northerngirl38 I was cheated on by my husband of 23 years, his affair partner, while not ultimately responsible, was complicit in the deceit and emotional abuse inflicted on me which has led me to being diagnosed with severe depression and has fucked up my son’s childhood. Infidelity absolutely destroys people so yeh you are a fool and one that is dangerous to the well being of others.