Hi everyone and thanks for reading 😊
I've been seeing a single dad for nearly a year and I'm feeling like it can't go anywhere, but I know I can be avoidant and an overthinker, so I'm asking for your views.
He lives about 20 miles from me, a 40 min journey and works one weekend, has his 9 year old son the other weekend. I work Mon to Fri so time together is tricky, the only way we get a day off together is when he books a day's holiday or has toil to use. This was fine at the beginning as he was getting lots of toil but this has now stopped, so we're only getting one full day together a month, plus one night in the week.
I've been ok with this as I have a really busy schedule with my sons, but over the next year I'll start getting my time back as most demanding son timewise is learning to drive. It feels really disappointing when I stay at his and then he leaves at 7 to go to work or vice versa.
He is reluctant to call me when his son is there and so we can go three or four days without speaking to each other. I find this really difficult to keep the connection, he will text but there isn't really any conversation. He used to call me occasionally when he was on a long drive from work but this has stopped. I have asked him to increase the calls, just a 5-minute call makes a real difference, but this has not happened.
Realistically we couldn't live together until his son leaves home as he can't move from his area and I can't move to his. He has been separated for nearly two years, his wife cheated on him. He says has no feelings for her and would never go back to her, but he still hasn't started the divorce process, despite her asking him to and agreeing to pay half the fee. This bothers me as it feels that he's not really free and I'm worried about the emotional upheaval during the divorce. I know mine took emotional toll on me but he says that he doesn't think he'll have any emotional reaction, in his head it's all done bar the paperwork.
He has 50/50 contact and his son is still sleeping in his bed, he has tried to move him back but he gets really upset. His son seems to be displaying some signs of anxiety in addition to that and I have met him a couple of times but I'm cautious about being around as I don't want to cause his son anymore distress. I'm often in his area for my son's club but I wouldn't feel that I could call in for a cup of tea when his son is there and he's never suggested it.
He's a very lovely guy and we've had some great weekends together when he's booked time off, he's very kind and generous and has told me he loves me and does not want the relationship to end. I've been divorced for 5 years and in all honestly I would like to live with somebody when my older two children move out, I just think my time scale is different to his and I would have to be incredibly patient and wait a very long time before he catches up.
Oh wise people is this me being avoidant because this relationship has some legs and to make more time I would have to involve him more with my kids, or am I just being realistic that our situations are just two different and I'm making life hard by pursuing something that has no future?
A glass of wine or beer to anyone who's got this far 😂